The Tragic Truth
Love
I know a lot of people who, given the topic of love, will discuss it for five minutes and be done. To them, it’s just so simple. And that doesn’t make any sense to me. In my opinion, love is a really complex thing. It involves your body, mind, soul...and time. These days, people don’t really think of loving someone as that much of a deal. It should mean a lot more than it does. But it’s lost its meaning over time, what with some people proclaiming their love to the first person they see on the street. Whenever I used to say ‘I love you’ to Drake, I always felt like there was something more I needed to say, but I never knew what.
I was thirteen years old, and Drake said ‘I love you’ first. I thought that was really bold, and it was a big deal for me. I said it back, naturally. But a while later I realized I didn’t mean it, I don’t think. I was thirteen years old, plenty of life ahead of me, and I didn’t know what the concept of love meant. Later on, I thought about it, and realized that at that point in time, I didn’t really believe in love. I had seen my parents get screwed up over love, and plenty of my friends’ parents got screwed up, too. I read books on girls that jumped from boy to boy, saying ‘I love you’ to every single one of them, without hardly even thinking about it. I watched movies that had the same deal going on. Love didn’t mean much to me, because obviously [in my mind], it didn’t mean much to anyone else, either.
When Drake moved, I totally gave up on love. I couldn’t handle the long-distance. I broke up with him. I don’t remember when I stopped crying that night. When he asked me out again, I told him no, because I knew he would want to say ‘I love you’ and I just couldn’t say it back. I told him I loved him like a brother, because that kind of love had a different meaning. I know for a fact that that broke his heart. I still feel horrible about that. Truthfully, the thing that got me to start believing in love again was the movie Moulin Rouge. That sounds totally tacky, and I know it, but that’s what really did it for me. I sat up all night after watching that movie and basically contemplated everything and anything doing with love. I came to only one conclusion: love sucks, period.
What I don’t get is that people can randomly say ‘I love you’ to who ever they think they’ve been with long enough. When I think about how much I loved Drake, I don’t see how anyone could have matched that. And people say ‘I love you’ so freely. It seems to me like no one puts any feeling into it. People will go off and marry who ever they want, later getting a divorce and then starting on the next marriage a week later. Now, I don’t necessarily believe in the whole ‘one-love’ thing. I think it is completely possible to love more than one person. But there is only one person that you’re truly supposed to be with.
So Zoe moved into Danni’s old room. Drake was sleeping on the couch...although part of me wanted to draw him closer to my room. But there was the other part of me that just kept saying NO! Zoe’s parents didn’t even call her, which meant A) they were really pissed at her or B)...they were really pissed at her. There really was no second option. I went to the doctor with Zoe, and they said that she was about a month and a half along...which meant it happened some time in January. She finally called Derek and told him right after she got some of her shit unpacked into the apartment. Derek was really understanding, and he said he was going to be there for her one-hundred and ten percent. Personally, I was a bit surprised. Not many guys that I probably knew were that upstanding. Seeing as his family was filthy stinking rich, he offered to buy baby stuff now, so they wouldn’t have to worry about it later. They planned on going the next day to get a baby crib, diapers, etc., plus a bunch of unisex clothes [they didn’t know the baby’s sex...only a month along].
Meanwhile, I was still wondering what to do with Drake. The night after Zoe moved in, him and I talked. Zoe went to bed early, and Drake and I were sitting on the couch, watching TV. I pulled my legs up onto the couch and leaned my head on his shoulder. I still stared at the TV, but I could tell he glanced down at my face to see what I was doing. What was I doing? I partially didn’t even know. I was getting a little tired, I guess. But I didn’t want to go to bed. Drake turned the TV off and re-adjusted so he could talk to me.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“About what?” I asked. Like I didn’t already know.
“What are we doing?” he asked, “you never really answered my question.”
“Drake...I don’t know. Truthfully...I don’t know how I feel about you. I don’t know what I want to do.” I sighed. I was getting really tired. I hadn’t gotten enough sleep lately.
“Babe, come here,” he said. I yawned and laid next to him. “I know that you’re trying to get over Kae. I really get that. And I know that technically, you’re just on a ‘break’. But I really missed you, hun. I really did. And I just want to know where we’re going.” I closed my eyes for a minute, falling into the halfway land between awake and dreaming. I quickly opened my eyes before totally falling asleep.
“I just don’t want to get hurt again,” I said quietly.
“From the moment I said I love you, I promised myself I would never hurt you. I promised you that. And I’m planning on keeping my promise until the day I die.” I half-smiled, not saying anything in return. I was tired beyond all reason. I nestled up to Drake’s chest and fell asleep in a total of three seconds.
I was thirteen years old, and Drake said ‘I love you’ first. I thought that was really bold, and it was a big deal for me. I said it back, naturally. But a while later I realized I didn’t mean it, I don’t think. I was thirteen years old, plenty of life ahead of me, and I didn’t know what the concept of love meant. Later on, I thought about it, and realized that at that point in time, I didn’t really believe in love. I had seen my parents get screwed up over love, and plenty of my friends’ parents got screwed up, too. I read books on girls that jumped from boy to boy, saying ‘I love you’ to every single one of them, without hardly even thinking about it. I watched movies that had the same deal going on. Love didn’t mean much to me, because obviously [in my mind], it didn’t mean much to anyone else, either.
When Drake moved, I totally gave up on love. I couldn’t handle the long-distance. I broke up with him. I don’t remember when I stopped crying that night. When he asked me out again, I told him no, because I knew he would want to say ‘I love you’ and I just couldn’t say it back. I told him I loved him like a brother, because that kind of love had a different meaning. I know for a fact that that broke his heart. I still feel horrible about that. Truthfully, the thing that got me to start believing in love again was the movie Moulin Rouge. That sounds totally tacky, and I know it, but that’s what really did it for me. I sat up all night after watching that movie and basically contemplated everything and anything doing with love. I came to only one conclusion: love sucks, period.
What I don’t get is that people can randomly say ‘I love you’ to who ever they think they’ve been with long enough. When I think about how much I loved Drake, I don’t see how anyone could have matched that. And people say ‘I love you’ so freely. It seems to me like no one puts any feeling into it. People will go off and marry who ever they want, later getting a divorce and then starting on the next marriage a week later. Now, I don’t necessarily believe in the whole ‘one-love’ thing. I think it is completely possible to love more than one person. But there is only one person that you’re truly supposed to be with.
So Zoe moved into Danni’s old room. Drake was sleeping on the couch...although part of me wanted to draw him closer to my room. But there was the other part of me that just kept saying NO! Zoe’s parents didn’t even call her, which meant A) they were really pissed at her or B)...they were really pissed at her. There really was no second option. I went to the doctor with Zoe, and they said that she was about a month and a half along...which meant it happened some time in January. She finally called Derek and told him right after she got some of her shit unpacked into the apartment. Derek was really understanding, and he said he was going to be there for her one-hundred and ten percent. Personally, I was a bit surprised. Not many guys that I probably knew were that upstanding. Seeing as his family was filthy stinking rich, he offered to buy baby stuff now, so they wouldn’t have to worry about it later. They planned on going the next day to get a baby crib, diapers, etc., plus a bunch of unisex clothes [they didn’t know the baby’s sex...only a month along].
Meanwhile, I was still wondering what to do with Drake. The night after Zoe moved in, him and I talked. Zoe went to bed early, and Drake and I were sitting on the couch, watching TV. I pulled my legs up onto the couch and leaned my head on his shoulder. I still stared at the TV, but I could tell he glanced down at my face to see what I was doing. What was I doing? I partially didn’t even know. I was getting a little tired, I guess. But I didn’t want to go to bed. Drake turned the TV off and re-adjusted so he could talk to me.
“We need to talk,” he said.
“About what?” I asked. Like I didn’t already know.
“What are we doing?” he asked, “you never really answered my question.”
“Drake...I don’t know. Truthfully...I don’t know how I feel about you. I don’t know what I want to do.” I sighed. I was getting really tired. I hadn’t gotten enough sleep lately.
“Babe, come here,” he said. I yawned and laid next to him. “I know that you’re trying to get over Kae. I really get that. And I know that technically, you’re just on a ‘break’. But I really missed you, hun. I really did. And I just want to know where we’re going.” I closed my eyes for a minute, falling into the halfway land between awake and dreaming. I quickly opened my eyes before totally falling asleep.
“I just don’t want to get hurt again,” I said quietly.
“From the moment I said I love you, I promised myself I would never hurt you. I promised you that. And I’m planning on keeping my promise until the day I die.” I half-smiled, not saying anything in return. I was tired beyond all reason. I nestled up to Drake’s chest and fell asleep in a total of three seconds.