Playing God

I remember the first time I saw Teddy. I was just released after a brutal two-week stay in the hospital in Arizona. My Aunt Susan had come to take me back to Connecticut with her where our family was originally from. My condition was bad back then. I was seeing all sorts of things, most of which were horrific to say the least. Dead animals hanging on the walls, Faceless people walking among the living, monsters of all shape and sizes, and well lets just say I wasn’t handling things very well. I was in the habit of destroying anything that tried to kill me, like the evil umbrella that tried to slit my wrists. Once I almost burned down the house because I thought I was trapped in a giant demons stomach.

Three weeks had passed and Aunt Susan wasn’t coping very well with having a mentally ill niece. Not that I blame her. One particularly bad night she woke up with me hovering over her with a knife in my hand. To my defense I thought she was a evil home intruder.

“ Max I just can’t do this. I’m so sorry. Its hard for me to, you know. She was my little sister and I was never meant to be a parent. I’ll still pay the bills so you wont have to worry about that. You still have you inheritance right. You’ll be well taken care of.” Susan said to me the morning she packed. New York was only a few hours away and she would call ever week to see how I was but for the most part I was completely alone.

That night I decided that the house was the last place I ever wanted to be. So I grabbed my jacket and headed to the small movie theatre in the middle of town. I was sick of the horror movie my life was turning out to be so I opt for the romance. To my utter surprise I was the only one present. It didn’t bother me though. I was used to being alone.

“ I wouldn’t have pegged you as the romantic type” Someone said to me. I gasped slightly and turned to see a teenage boy sitting next to me. His curly blond hair fell in his face but the smile was plain to see. He was sitting very close to me with one arm draped over the back of my seat and the other resting on the armrest closest to me. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and dark wash jeans. The exact outfit I was wearing.

“ What do you want?” I asked in a cold voice. Getting hit on was the last thing in the world I needed at that moment.

“ I’m Teddy just in case you wanted to know and don’t worry I’m not trying to hook up with you. Why don’t we go somewhere so we can talk?” He smiled even brighter and I had to admit to myself that he was sort of cute in a lost puppy sort of way.

“ No, sorry I was taught not to talk to strangers.” I locked my jaw with resolve and kept my eyes glued to the screen determined to forget that there was a guys sitting so close to me. I felt a cold tingle move up and down my arm that, as time passed, became harder for me to ignore. I signed heavily in defeat and glanced down at my arm to see what was causing the sensation. I almost screamed when it saw that it was Teddy’s hand and that it went almost completely through my arm.

“ Come on Max we both know that you never were very good following rules.” Teddy said in a joking tone. Noticing my reaction Teddy moved his hand to my face and struck his entire first through my skull. Before I had a chance to scream or run Teddy silenced me with a friendly smile. “ Whoa Max, calm down. I’m not a ghost or whatever it is that you think I am. I’m not real, that’s all. You can think of me as your personal imaginary tutor. I’m here to help you with that over active imagination of yours. I can’t hurt you nor would I want to because after all. I am you.”
“ What,” was all I was able to reply. This guy has to be completely nuts. Or maybe I am the one who is totally losing it. O God I need to be put away.

“ You’re not crazy okay? And I’m here to prove it” With a resolve I’ve only seen in the movies Teddy stands up and demands with his strange silver eyes for me to follow. I do and for the next 8 months my subconscious A.K.A. Teddy has helped me deal with my crazy days. Even though they, the doctors, tell me that it isn’t permanent, I don’t believe them. I will ever get better. Teddy is the only thing that gets me through the day.

* * * *

As I climb the flight of stares that lead to my bedroom I am sorely reminded how alone I am. I pass room after empty room before I get to my own. Why did I have to send him away? I’m such an idiot! I slam the door behind me and jump straight in to bed. I can feel a sob building in my throat but I refuse to let it out. Crying won’t bring anyone back.

“ Do you forgive me yet?” A quite voice whispers in my ears. I sit up quickly and throw my arms around Teddy. It isn’t satisfying that way a real hug is but it’s the best I got.
“ I hate you for making me need you so much” I say in his chest that I can’t actually feel. “ But I’m glad you came back anyway”

“ You know Max that I’m only here because you want me to be. One day you wont need me anymore and I’ll be gone” for the first time his tone is serious. I don’t like it. What happened to my happy Teddy that I have grown to love? “ Who knows maybe you’ll even bag yourself a boy friend” Ah there he is! I sigh in contentment but Teddy misinterprets “Yeah your right. You’ll never get a boy looking like this.”

“ And how exactly do I look” I push away from him with false defensiveness.

“ Well the best way I can put it is Crap.” He moves is hands up and down indicating my outfit. “A baggy old T-shirt and even older and baggier Jeans, I mean come on you used to be hot.”

“ I happen to like the way I dress. Its comfortable.” I say as a matter of fact. Nothing he says will get me to dress like a slut.

“ And that hair! All that beautiful red hair gone!” He pretends to faint and I stifle a laugh. “ You destroyed it the moment you dyed it black. Why O’ Why!” He was right of course. I was one of the lucky one. My hair was to die for and the amount of effort I put into keeping it protected was unheard of. But that all changed the day I received a certain phone call.

“ You can’t blame me for that one Teddy. There were outside forces that I couldn’t have predicted” I ran my fingers through my now short hair and tried to remember the way things used to be. Something I didn’t let myself do very often.

“ I guess I’ll give you that one. At least it has grown out a bit. But must you with the baggy and the no make up? Listen to me. I’m a guy and I know what I’m talking about. Guys don’t like girls who look like guys.” Teddy placed both hands together and shakes them at me as if he were begging.

“ Ha! That a lode of Bull, your not a guy you’re my subconscious. And this is me telling myself to shut up!” I go to push Teddy off the bed that of course does nothing but go straight threw his chest. I was getting used to the tingly sensation.