And If You're Listening, I Miss You.

Alex Gaskarth flashes back.
He remembers everything. 
Every word, every thought, every hug, every kiss, every touch that occurred between them. 
He flips through the memories like pages in a scrapbook, lingering on the ones that stand out the most.
 
They were 6. 
Their mothers got together and taught them how to ride their bicycles. Alex did really well, but Jack fell off within the first five minutes and scraped his knee. He didn't cry. Jack never cried. 
Instead, he got right back on and pedaled down the street with a determined face, wearing his Ninja Turtles band-aid like a badge of honor, bragging to Alex about his awesome skills.
Alex had stuck his tongue out at him playfully and rode quickly down the street, daring Jack to beat him in a race. Even after all of Alex's big talk, Jack came in first place and Alex, being the extremely sensitive child that he was, burst into tears, whining that he should have won. Jack pulled him into a warm hug and told him he'd win next time, making Alex's tears stop abruptly. "Really?" Alex asked hopefully, a huge smile adorning his small face. "Promise." Jack whispered. Alex sniffled and Jack wiped his wet face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. They went inside and ate popsicles, watching Home Alone over and over until Alex had to leave, his mother almost literally dragging him out of Jack's house.

They were 10. 
Zack, the elementary school bully, had cornered Jack in the fifth grade coat room and demanded he give him his lunch money. Jack, stubborn as always, had blatantly refused, and Zack had his fist pulled back, ready to strike Jack in his rather large nose, when Alex walked in, going to get his silent reading book out of his backpack for inside recess. 
Alex immediately stopped what he was doing and stomped over to where Zack had Jack held up by his shirt against the dingy wall.
Even though Alex was scrawny and Zack was rather large,he was able to pull Zack away from Jack's small figure and push him towards the opposite side of the coat room, away from them. Jack was grinning hugely and thanked Alex profusely before kissing him softly on the cheek and skipping out of the small room. 
Alex lingered for a second, resting his fingers on the spot Jack kissed, which he distinctly remembered had felt warm and tingly, before grabbing the book he had been looking for and slowly walking out, back into the bustle of the noisy classroom.

They were 14. 
It was freshman year and they had just gotten back from school, grabbed a bag of chips and the remote, and collapsed on Jack's worn basement couch. They were flipping through the channels, not watching anything in particular, when Jack cleared his throat suddenly. Alex jerked his head in Jack's direction.
 
"What is it, Jack?"
He had asked, shoving a handful of barbeque chips into his open mouth. 

"Um..Uh..I.."
 
Jack stuttered and said 'um' a lot when he was nervous, so Alex wondered what could possibly be making him like this. 

"What? Spit it out...whatever you're nervous about, just say it. It's not like I'm gonna judge you or some shit." 

Jack had taken a deep breath then, and didn't stutter a bit as he proclaimed:
"Alex..I think I might be gay." 

Alex was shocked. Jack loved tits. Or...did he? He always made jokes about them, but when there were girls around, he never really seemed very interested in them, the girls or their boobs. 
Alex shrugged. 

"Well, I really don't care too much, to be honest. Its not like I'm not gonna talk to you anymore or whatever. You're still the same Jack, you just happen to like dick. You're still my best friend and no matter what you do, that'll never change, ok? You had no reason to be scared."

 Jack looked relieved for a fraction of a second, but then his lips curled into a frown. 

"Alex.. thanks for that, but you didn't let me finish. I don't think you'll still want to hang out with me after this.." 

Alex smiled at him.
 "Whatever it is, it's not gonna change a thing. You know me. I'm not the kind to run away, especially from my best friend."

 A small smile played across Jack's lips, but a look of apprehension cut across his face. 

"I know, but...Alex, I... I... Aw, fuck it! I love you, ok?I have since we were 10 fucking years old! You can leave now, if you want. I know you probably think I'm some sort of freak, I mean seriously, I'm in love with my best friend! Who the fuck falls in love with their best friend? Especially one that's a guy? Of course I would, damn me to hell! You probably never want to see me again and-"

 Alex cut off Jack's rambles then, tackling Jack into the couch and pressing his lips to Jack's still open mouth. Their sweet embrace lasted a few minutes, until both of them were gasping for air. 

"Alex.. Did you really just...?"

 Alex was blushing profusely as he nodded. 

"Jack, haven't you wondered why I've never had an actual, legit, longer than a week, girlfriend? I guess I'm gay too, but only for you. I've been in love with you for so long, but I always thought you were straight as a fucking ruler! You should've told me sooner!" 

Jack smiled shyly and reached for Alex's hand, intertwining their fingers before laying back and spending the rest of the day cuddling, eventually falling asleep beside each other.

They were 16.
Alex walked into Jack's bedroom and sat on the bed, waiting for Jack to get back from Rian's house. He notices his computer is unlocked and, the curious motherfucker that he is, he opened his AIM account and looked at his recent conversations. 
He notices one in particular, a guy by the name of Brendon, which Jack has entered in his buddy list with a smiley face next to it. He opened the conversation, and what he saw devastated him. 
The last 3 messages went as follows:

Brendon(: 6:45 pm: soo..wen r u comin ova tonite? :DD

JackAttack! 6:46 pm: be there round 730.bout to get ready! Gtg, luv u!

Brendon(: 6:48 pm: c u then.cnt w8! luv ya 2!

Alex felt his heart stop for a second, before continuing on at a faster pace then before. 
Was Jack...was Jack cheating on him? He remembered thinking to himself, searching for an answer that wasn't that. Searching for something,anything that wasn't what it looked like. Something harmless. 
A cousin, maybe? An old friend? 
Alex scratches both those ideas. He knows all of Jack's cousins, and he knows every one of Jack's friends. After all, he and Jack had been best friends for 10 years. 
They knew everything about one another. 
At least, Jack knew everything about Alex. 
Alex was questioning if Jack ever really told him anything.
 
Now that he thought about it, it wouldn't be that hard to lie to him. Especially since he trusts Jack so completely. He would never have thought that anything he said had lies woven in. 
At that moment, it seemed like he didn't know anything. 

He felt tears cascading down his cheeks as he sat on Jack's squeaky desk chair, chin resting on his knees, shaggy hair covering most of his face.

Jack walked in then, freezing when he saw the open chat window and Alex's pouring tears falling onto his jean-clad legs.

"Alex... it's.. it's not what it looks like..." 

Alex looked up, anger and sorrow evident on his tearstained face. 

"Jack... Are you... cheating on me?"

"No! I swear! I would never-"

"Then what the fuck is this?! You told him you loved him! What the hell am I supposed to think?!"

Alex wiped his face with his sleeve, rage the only emotion that was displayed at that point.

"He's my.. my.. he's my brother, Alex."

Alex's eyes widened momentarily and then narrowed. 

"Bull-fucking-shit, Jack! How fucking stupid do you think I am! You're an only child!" 

Alex stood up, and stomped towards the open door. Jack frantically grabbed his arm, a look of shock etched clearly onto his face. 

"Why would I lie to you, Alex?I love you far too much to do that. You're right though.. I am an only child-my mom's only child. Brendon is my dad's second kid. I just found out about him like a month ago... I swear, my dad is just so great, like seriously? How do you keep that a secret for so long? But anyway. He's 2 years younger than us, and he's about to transfer to Towson, so he'll be a freshman here. I had to go over there and make sure he had all his shit for school, so I just went there from Rian's. Explain everything?"

Alex was truly and utterly speechless. 

"Wha.. but.. he.. you.. I don't believe you." 

Jack rolled his eyes and sighed, clearly in disbelief that even after that perfectly reasonable explanation, Alex didn't believe him. 
The next day, Jack took Alex to see Brendon, and it was possibly the best idea ever. 

Brendon was hyper, always singing and dancing and jumping around, so he and Alex were fast friends, seeing as Alex was the exact same way. 
Jack basically had to pry them apart when they had to leave, both of them whining beyond belief, telling Jack over and over that it was too early, that they just wanted five more minutes, that they weren't done playing with the lightsabers, anything to avoid leaving each other.
Jack chuckled and slung Alex over his left shoulder, said goodbye to Brendon, laughed at Alex's failed attempt to kick him in the balls, and refused to put him down until they were in the car. 
Alex smiled and apologized to Jack, Jack apologized for not telling him sooner, and all was right again. Their fights never ever lasted very long.

They were 19.
They had just graduated high school, and were looking at apartments, trying to find the perfect one for both of them. It was proving more difficult than they originally thought. Alex wanted the perfect apartment with every single thing exactly the way he likes it, but with his taste, that's pretty much impossible to find, so Jack had said enough is enough and chose it by himself. 
Alex knew nothing about this and continued to search, Jack going along with him, never mentioning the one he had already bought. 
Meanwhile, as Alex was getting more and more frustrated with every apartment, Jack had rounded up the troops.Vinny, Matt, Brendon, Ryan, Rian, Pete, Patrick, and Gabe all stood in the kitchen of the moderately sized appartment as Jack explained the situation. A month later, Alex having practically given up on the search, Jack clued Alex in on what had been going down and led him into their new apartment. Alex was completely breathless. Each room was a different one of Alex's favorite colors, quotes from his favorite songs neatly painted at random intervals on the wide walls, black and white furniture and appliances dotting the various rooms. 
"Jack! How did you..? It's beautiful!"
Alex squealed, throwing himself into Jack's arms and squeezing him tightly.

"Not as beautiful as you!"
 
Jack smiled, laughing at the glare Alex threw at him for that one.
Alex cracked up a minute after.
"You are so fucking corny it's actually cute!" 
Alex said between fits of giggles.
"Its one of the things I love about you."
Jack blushed. 
"Yeah, well, I love... everything about you!" 
Alex leapt into his arms, covering his entire face with soft kisses before winding his fingers into his hair and kissing him deeply, smiling the whole time.

They were 21. 
Jack was drunk out of his mind, stumbling and giggling, bumping into everything and everyone he happened to pass. 
Alex trailed him, still completely sober, apologizing to everyone that Jack had ran into. Jack finally stopped, falling onto the sofa and taking another swig from his bottle.

 "Alllllleeeeeeexxxxxxxx!"
Jack whined, making a pouty face.
Alex rolled his eyes. 

"What do you want, Jack?" 

"Can you get me some pickles?"

"Seriousl-"

"I WANT PICKLES!" 

Alex sighed and got up. 

"Fine. Stay here. If you're gone when I get back, no sex for a week. Understand?"
 
Jack frowned. 

"For a WEEK?" 

"Yeah, Jack, a week. So stay." 

Jack nodded quickly, eyes wide. He understood perfectly.

Alex smiled a bit. Jack was basically the same drunk as he was sober, except for the fact that he didn't remember anything about when he was drunk. He could get his arm chopped off  and he would be completely surprised to find out about it the next day. This worked to everyone's advantage, seeing as it was really fucking fun to pull pranks on Jack.
  
Alex walked down the short hallway to their small kitchen, praying to god they had some pickles left. He opened the fridge and shoved some things around, knowing that if they had any, they'd probably be way in the back. It took a few minutes, what with all the crap they had in there, but he eventually located the pickles and made his way back to Jack.
He was talking to his bottle in a Vinny-esque fashion, though Alex couldn't quite make out what he was saying. When he saw Alex, his face lit up.

"YAY! You brought them! I love you so much! SO MUCH!"

Alex chuckled and opened the jar before handing it to Jack. Jack couldn't have opened it even if he wasn't drunk off his ass, and Alex knows that if Jack had to even attempt to open it now, the jar would be thrown and smashed against the wall in no time.

Jack pulled out the largest pickle in the jar and started to suck on it, giggling mischieviously. 

"LOOK ALEX! It looks like blowjobs!"

Alex burst into laughter. Even though he should have been expecting that, he wasn't, and it was really funny at the time.

"Oh my god, Jack!" Alex said between fits of hysterical laughter. 
Jack grinned at him sleepily, and rested his head on Alex's shoulder.

"I really really love you, Lexiiiiiiiii!" Jack said in a singsong voice.

"Well I really love you too, my little Jacky-kins."

He looked down at Jack, only to find that he had fallen asleep, drooling on his shoulder.
He smiled at him, not even caring that drool was practially soaking his favorite shirt. 
This boy meant everything to Alex.

They were 23.
Jack was trying to eat some cinnamon toast crunch. 'Trying' being the operative word. The cereal was in his bowl, but there was no milk. He frowned dramatically at the cereal, as if willing it to magically make milk appear. Alex was laughing at him, saying that he should've checked first, and that that's what he gets for eating unhealthy sugary shit anyway. Jack told him that he wasn't helping and asked where the car keys were. 

Alex grabbed the keys off the coffee table and handed them to Jack, gave him a quick kiss, and told him to 'drive safe and don't kill anyone with your road rage' and to 'only buy milk and not the chocolate kind, and don't buy six of every single candy they have, like you did the last time'.

Jack scoffed at his instructions and strolls out the door, mumbling a quick 'Love you' and shutting the door with a quiet slam.

He didn't know that that was the last time he'd ever say those words, the last time they'd ever kiss, the last time  for anything and everything.

Jack had died on his way to buy milk. He didn't even make it to the store. 
He was halfway over the train tracks when the barricades suddenly went up on both sides, closing him in with no way out. It sounded like something out of a bad horror film, but everything has to be based of true life, right? Why something so horrible had to happen to someone so good? That was a complete mystery.
Jack, thinking of Alex even in the very end, had spent his final minutes sending him a text message.
"Alex, I'm so sorry. I love you more than anything and I wish that I could be there with you for the rest of your life. But mine's ending. Right now. I'm just glad I can say that I was with you for my whole life. It's the best thing I could have done with it, trust me. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and this is the worst. Try to move on, but please don't forget me. I love you. More than I can ever say or even describe. You've had my heart forever, and as far as I know, it'll always be with you, and that's alright with me."

He pressed send, and that's when the train hit. He died on impact. It was practically painless. At least that's what the doctors had told Alex.

Alex read and reread the message, knowing from the first time around that this was the end. That Jack must've known it was the end. It was 'practically painless' physically, but mentally and emotionally? If it was ripping Alex apart like this, he couldn't imagine what Jack must have gone through. He wonders if Jack regretted anything. If he regretted Alex. But if he did, why would he say how much he loves him in that text message? Why would he lie in his final moments? He wouldn't. Alex sobbed, wishing they still had all the time in the world, wishing that he would have said more to him before he left, wishing that he was dreaming and that he would wake up and Jack would be there next to him, waiting to give him his good morning kiss. But It was useless. He knew the truth. 
Jack wasn't coming back. 
He'd never walk through the front door again. He'd never say good night, or good morning, or i love you, or anything ever again.
Alex couldn't take it. He had to do something. He couldn't just sit there and read it over and over again. He must've read it at least a hundred times already. He wandered aimlessly around the house, picking up Jack's favorite things, crying some more, then setting them back in the exact places Jack left them. He walks to their closet and takes out Jack's hoodie, puts it on, and curls up on the bed, staring at the empty space beside him, just breathing in Jack's scent, soaking the hoodie with tears. Why did this have to happen to him? Jack was his entire life, everything he every wanted. Now he had nothing, only memories and pictures to remind him of everything they'd been through together, everything they'd shared.
Jack was so much more than all of that. He was something special, someone that only comes around once in a lifetime and can never be replaced, no matter how hard you try. Not that Alex would be trying. Jack wanted him to move on, but he could never do that. He knows he'll remember, mourn, and love Jack for the rest of his life. He'll never be happy again, and he's ok with that. He wouldn't want to be happy without Jack. 

They were still 23.
Jack would always be 23.
Alex sat in the church pew, wringing his hands and listening to the preist, who was apparently speaking about Jack. The words he said had absolutely nothing to do with Jack, and Alex knew that the same generic words were spoken at every funeral, their only purpose to satisfy the family. Alex couldn't take it. Couldn't take the priest's meaningless words, couldn't take the stuffy suit he was forced to wear, couldn't take the feeling that the walls were closing in. This isn't what Jack would want. Jack wouldn't want everyone to wear black, he wouldn't want everyone to cry and think about his death. He would want everyone to dress as colorful as possible and treat it like a party, to celebrate the fact that he had once been alive.

Alex got up as quietly as possible, and left. It was too much to deal with. Too much of something that no one wanted. He wouldn't even get to see Jack one last time. The casket was closed, the damage to Jack's body too terrible to display. Alex had no reason to stay, anyway. He didn't want to see the casket lowered into the hole, didn't want to see the physical evidence that Jack would spend the rest of his existance underground, slowly wasting away until everything dissolved, leaving only bones behind. 
He sat on the steps in front of the church, cradled his head in his hands, and just cried, letting all the emotions he hadn't wanted to show leak out with his streaming tears. He misses Jack with his entire being.

A few weeks later, he musters up the courage to visit the cemetary, to visit Jack.

He walks, the cold November wind whipping his hair around his face and coloring his cheeks a deep red. He could have driven, but he needed time to think, time to decide what he wanted to say.

He sits crosslegged on top of the dirt that covers Jack's mangled body, facing the headstone, reaching out,tracing the letters that are etched into the marble.

Jack Bassam Barakat
Best Friend, Boyfriend, Brother, Son
You will be missed.
1988-2011

Not even a quote, or song lyric, or something to describe the person he was. Just a name, some years, and a generic inscripstion. Nothing to tell the world who he really was. Surprisingly, Alex is fine with that. Nobody else needs to know. If they didn't know Jack, they wouldn't understand. He doesn't think words could ever do Jack justice, anyway.

Alex clears his throat and begins.
"Jack.. I really hope you can hear me right now, because if you can't, I'm going to look like a complete idiot sitting here in a graveyeard talking to myself." he laughs once, though nothing about this is funny. "I love you more than life itself, and I miss you, more and more every day. I wish you didn't have to leave me, but I guess it was your time to go. Who determines these things anyway? When I die, I'm going to find them and have a little chat with them about how they need to give some people more time..sometimes it's just not enough. But anyway, I got your message. I sent it to my email and I printed it out. I framed it.It's on our bedroom wall, and I don't go a day without reading it. I still have all of your favorite things. I wear your clothes all the time now, just to smell you and pretend for a moment that you're still here with me. I don't go a second without thinking about you. I've taught myself guitar and I've written some songs. They're all about you, and I'm the only one that will ever hear them, besides you, of course. Maybe one day I'll play some for you, if you'd like that?..Jack, I'm sorry that everything had to end this way, and that you ended up under there while I'm still up here, living and breathing. If I had my way, I'd be buried with you, and we'd be together forever, but I guess that just wasn't meant to be. I thought about killing myself, but I know you wouldn't want that. I know you'd want me to live my life and move on, but I just can't. Move on, I mean. You're my one and only love, and I'll never even begin to forget you. I'll replay every memory, every day for the rest of my life. I really wish it didn't have to be this way. I love you. So,so much."   

With that, Alex kisses the stone he's been talking to for the past hour and slowly pulls himself to his feet, tears streaming freely down his face. As he looks up into the sky, the clouds part and the sun shines through, causing Alex to think that maybe, just maybe, Jack had been listening all along.

He is 80.
He lies in the hospital bed, sick with pneumonia, remembering the best and worst moments of his life. 
He's never moved out of town, never even thought about getting another boyfriend, lost contact with everyone except Brendon, become a hermit of sorts.
Surprisingly, he's still managed to be somewhat happy. 
He visits Jack's grave every week. 6 days ago was the 57th anniversary of Jack's death, and he'd spent hours at the cemetary, leaving flowers and playing songs and just talking. 
He knows that's why he's sick now, and he honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
He's dying, he can feel it. 
This is the most exciting thing that has happened to him in a long time. 
He can finally be with Jack.

The jagged lines jumping up and down on the heart monitor gradually slow to a stop, the machine emitting a long beeping noise, signalling the end to 57 years of pain.