I Ain't Leaving Here Without You

I was awoken by the sound of a baby crying. Getting up, I walked over into the room next to mine and Zack’s. Standing in the crib that lay against the wall that separated the two rooms was a cute little baby boy that looked so much like the amazing man I married who was still asleep in the bed that I had just left. I walked over to the little baby boy who was named James and scooped him up into my arms.

“What are you doing up little man?” I questioned the little ten month old miracle whom I held so close to me.

He looked up at me with big, green, watery eyes that often held so much expression. Right now, they were telling me that he was scared and a little hungry. I smiled at baby James as I lightly rocked him while walking out of his room and to the kitchen to make him a bottle. I placed his baby blanket that was loosely wrapped around him over his face so I could turn the light on to see what I was doing and not blind the little infant. With the skill that I had acquired, I made a bottle one handedly, still cradling little James in my other arm.

When I was done making his bottle, I walked us back upstairs and placed the two of us in his rocking chair. While he nursed the bottle I gently rocked us back and forth. I heard subtle movement at the baby’s bedroom door and I looked up to see the wonderful man that I married that had given so many features to the baby in my arms. I gave him a smile as he started walking over towards his son and me.

“What are you doing up?” I asked Zack.

“I woke up when I realized you weren’t next to me anymore. Is the little man okay?” He responded, concerned about his baby boy.

“Yeah, James is okay. I think he just had a bad dream and was a bit hungry.” I said of the infant that was held in my arms.

“Oh,” he said coming over and resting his forehead against mine.
I could see the sleepiness and fatigue written all over his features. “Go back to bed; I’ll be there as soon as James finishes his bottle.”

As if on cue, James had stopped drinking his bottle, deciding that he would be content enough to go back to sleep. I gave a light laugh as I stood up with him, getting ready to burp him when Zacky held out his arms. I handed James to his father and let him do the honors. Within minutes, James burped and we went to place him back in his bed. Zacky and I both gave our son a kiss before Zacky lowered him into his crib and tucked him in. Zack grabbed my hand and pulled me into our room so we could lay back down and go back to sleep, as it was about two am. As we lay in bed Zacky put his hand on my stomach, under one of his shirts that I wore to bed. He traced the scar that was a constant reminder of the complications that we had had.

~~~

I woke up with a start, not knowing what to think about the dream that I had just had. It felt so real. I ran my hand over my stomach to see if I could feel anything out of the ordinary, and I found nothing. I got up and walked over into the room next to mine and Zack’s and found it full of musical equipment that Z used when he was trying to come up with new ideas for the band. There was no baby. I jumped when I felt arms wrap around me, but immediately relaxed when I felt the cool of pierced lips press against my cheek.

“Are you okay, babe? What are you doing up?” Zacky questioned, his concern over my well being never failed to make me feel better.

“Yeah, I’m alright. I just had a really weird dream that felt way too real. So I just had to check to reassure myself that everything was the way that it should be.” I told him honestly.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed and you can tell me all about it.” He said soothingly, pulling me back towards our room.

Once we lay down, Zack told me to tell him all about it, so I did. Part of me didn’t want to tell him and freak him out, but I couldn’t keep things from him. It was a rule that we had always had with each other; just be honest and open minded and we can work through anything.

“Wow.” That was all he could say after I told him about the vivid dream, I just nodded in response.

“Do you want to have kids after we get married?” He asked me with genuine curiosity.
I nodded, “Of course I do.”

“Then why’d you freak out so bad?” He questioned and it made me begin to wonder if he thought I didn’t want children.

“Because I just don’t feel like I’m ready now, I don’t know if I could handle being a mother yet. When I woke up, it just felt so real that I thought I might have missed part of my life and I didn’t get a chance to be ready for things yet.” I told him, I wasn’t only reassuring him as much as I was reassuring myself.

I had never had doubts about being with Zacky, not one. And I would never doubt bearing his children. If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, even though I don’t feel ready or prepared, I would do anything that I could to be as ready as I needed to be.

“Okay,” he told me, and I could tell that he understood what I meant.

By this time neither of us was tired anymore. We both just lay awake in bed, cuddled up together, sometimes in silence and sometimes in soft conversation.

“So you still want little vengeance babies running around this place?”

I laughed at Zacky’s question, “Of course I want little vengeance babies running around here! They would take after you and be so damn cute and chaos causing.”

Zacky laughed at my response before placing his pierced lips against my neck. “How soon do you want to try for one?”

I heard the seriousness in his voice; I knew he wanted kids, hell we both wanted kids. I just didn’t feel ready and didn’t know if being ready to be a mom happened once you knew you were pregnant.

“I don’t know. When do you think we should?” I asked, the thought of motherhood was starting to scare me a little bit.

“I think that we should just let it happen when it happens.” He told me honestly.

I smiled at him, thankful that he wouldn’t pressure it on me. To be quite honest, I wanted to have a kid while he was home. I didn’t really want him to be on tour and miss anything, I know that sounds selfish but I didn’t want any experiences to be taken away from Zacky. If we did get pregnant I wanted us to be in it together, be together through the experience.
“You okay babe?” He asked, sensing that something was wrong.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that, I want you to be able to be there for everything. I want you to be home and not on tour. I know I sound selfish and all but I don’t want you to miss anything, and I know I’d be scared and I’d want you to be there to hold me and tell me things will be okay.” I told him, being honest with my fears and wants.

He pulled me close to him and kissed my cheek with his pierced lips. “If that’s what you want then I’ll make sure that’s how you have it okay. And remember you would have all the girls here to support you and be there if you needed them.”

“I know, I just worry sometimes, you know that.” I told him.

“Yeah, I know Bail.” He said, kissing my cheek again.

From there, we just lay in silence and I eventually dozed back off to sleep.