We've Lost Control

It didn’t take much begging from the BC boys to get me to the party that night; I really felt the need for a drink or six. Sauce was already, well, sauced when we got there and David was close behind. Eric was close to being passed out somewhere, but that was normal. Kyle had said he wasn’t going to drink much which everyone kind of gave him shit for, but he didn’t seem to care.

Almost immediately after we got there, I spotted most of The Maine. When I say most I mean everyone was there except for Pat. I had done a relatively good job at avoiding them all day, but felt like that was going to come to an end before the night was over.

As I sipped on the drink David had got for me, I felt the feeling of being watched. I scanned the crowd three times before I realized the eyes belonged to John O’Callaghan. He was staring at me over his red plastic cup, judging me, I knew it. We just stared at each other before my attention was taken by a presence next to me.

“Hi,” I turned and saw Jack smiling down at me.

Not expecting it to be him, I choked on my drink, “Uh, hey.” I said once I had stopped coughing.

“I wasn’t expecting to find you here.”

I glanced over at Kyle, who was preoccupied with his iPhone then looked back at Jack, “Uh, yeah. I didn’t expect to see you here either.”

His brow furrowed for a second before a smile graced his lips again, “So what are you drinking?”

I looked down into my cup at the dark color of its contents, “I’m not really sure.” I really wasn’t.

Jack let out a laugh, “Here, let me see.” He said then gently took the plastic from my hand. Before I could warn him about the strongness, he had taken a drink. He didn’t even flinch as he swallowed. “Whiskey?” He looked at me kind of astonished as I took it back and sipped up a good amount. I was glad to figure out what it was, but felt extremely inexperienced because I didn’t know before. “I was half expecting you to have vodka and redbull.”

I smiled devilishly over the rim of my cup at this guy I knew nothing about, “Well, I’m full of surprises.”

He smirked but before anyone could say anything else, I felt someone roughly grab a hold of my arm and pull me away. “What the fuck?” I exclaimed as the whiskey in my cup sloshed out and rolled down my hand. When I turned and looked at the culprit, I wasn’t shocked but I had never seen John O’Callaghan so angry ever in the some odd months I had known him.

“What the fuck are you doing, Sawyer?” He yelled as he practically threw my arm from his grasp.

“Well I was enjoying myself for once before you pulled me away.” I turned and looked over at where I had been standing with Jack. He was standing there still, watching us curiously. Kyle had engaged himself in a conversation with what looked like on of the Millionaires a few yards away.

“You should be glad I care enough to pull you away from Jack Barakat. Why did you show up here at Warped Tour when your husband, who turned twenty-one today might I add, is no where near here? Kenny said you had bags with you this morning. Why aren’t you with Nick? You guys possibly can’t be fighting still.”

I was fuming. I was so angry at John for being angry. “I’ll tell you why I’m here in Atlanta instead of Washington fucking D.C. with my beloved husband.” I spit out in disgust. “I went to D.C. I made sure I was there before my husband got back from buying his first drink. Except he was pissed off at me because fucking Colin Baylen had to go run his mouth to him and tell him I had a hickey on my fucking neck, which I admit, I did. But it was from some fucking model guy who all but stuck his hands down my pants at some club!” I stopped to catch my breath as John’s eyes widened, “So my dear husband accused me of cheating yet again when all along it was him who was the cheater, so fucking excuse me when I want to be anywhere but with him or home and am trying to drown my sorrows in whiskey instead of crying my fucking eyes out!” My chest was heaving as I tried to catch my breath once I finished.

All John could do was stare at me with his mouth hanging open in shock, “w-w-he-he-he cheated on you?” He finally stammered out and I rolled my eyes.

“Please, keep reminding me; I love the way the knife keeps twisting in my heart.” I said sarcastically and his eyes turned sympathetic. “No! Don’t do that! I don’t want your sympathy, I just want a bottle of Jack Daniels to help me forget.” I said then turned to walk back to where I was guaranteed alcohol.

“You know it’ll only hurt worse in the morning!” He called after me.

“I couldn’t give two shits right now!” I replied over my shoulder.
---
John O’Callaghan was right when he said it would only hurt worse in the morning. The hangover I was experiencing was the worst out of the three I had ever had. I groaned as I realized what had happened the night before: I had gotten completely trashed with Jack before a sober John and Jared came over and told me it was time to leave.

I looked all over for Kyle but couldn’t find him, or anyone in Breathe Carolina for that matter. I began to cry because I felt abandoned then I just felt sick to my stomach. I felt embarrassed at the memory of me throwing up against the pavement while Jared held my hair away from my face and John rubbed my back soothingly. I started sobbing after that. Sobbing about Nick. When did my life get so pathetic?

It was much more hazy after that. All I knew was that I was still in yesterday’s clothes and wherever I was had lots of guitars. Definitely not Breathe Carolina’s bus; It was much too clean. My head was killing me and my stomach turned, but it wasn’t as bad as the condition my heart was in.

Slowly, I made my way from the back lounge of what I presumed was The Maine’s bus and to the front lounge. We were stopped, so that was a good thing. The only one on the bus, though, was Pat. It was the first time I had seen him since before I left Warped the first time and I couldn’t help but smile at the small boy. He sat there at the table behind his Macbook all messy haired and tired looking. We both probably looked like that.

He looked up at me sadly with his big eyes, “We’re in Cincinnati today.” He said and just like that a pang shot through my heart; it reminded me that the week before Nick played a show there on his tour.

“Where is everyone?” I croaked out then grimaced at the groggy, dry sound that came out of my throat.

Pat looked out of the window next to him, “John is outside on his cell phone, pacing.” I leaned down to look under the curtain that had only been lifted half way and sure enough there was John, talking on his phone, kicking up dust from his pacing. I was almost hypnotized by the way he kept going back and forth, but Pat began to speak again, “Jared and Garrett are walking the line, Kennedy is helping out Max and Vito with the merch booth.”

I nodded like I genuinely cared, “How hot is it out there?” I asked, kind of dreading his answer.

“It’s pretty humid. Pretty gross.”

I grimaced once more, “Thanks Pat.” I smiled weakly.

“No problem.” He said with a smile. I walked toward the door where I found my pair of Toms I had been wearing the night before. “Oh, and Sawyer?” He said as he turned to look at me.

“Yeah Pat?” I questioned as I slipped the blue Toms on.

“I’m really sorry about what happened.”

I smiled weakly at him again, “Yeah, me too.” He returned the weak smile and was on with what he had been doing before.

Pat wasn’t lying when he said it was gross outside. I could already feel my skin melting off as I stood there watching John pace. I wondered who he was talking to and why he seemed so heated.

“Nick, you’re one of my best friends,” My breathing hitched. Maybe it was a different Nick, “and I haven’t known Sawyer for that long,” There goes that thought. I knew I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, “but what you did was completely fucked up-” He stopped talking as, I guessed, Nick started, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt her, but what did you expect?! You didn’t see her last night, Bro. She was so drunk and just bawling her eyes out.” I flinched as the memory came back with his words, “I have never wanted to hurt someone as much as I did when I heard her crying about how much she wished she was good enough for you.” I cringed.

“You are such a fucking asshole, Nick. After everything she’s gone through the past couple of months, what with being attacked and having a miscarriage.” My tear ducts were acting up as I listened to this guy defend me to someone he’s known a lot longer than I. “Yes, she told me about the attack at the tattoo shop, but that doesn’t matt- I don’t know maybe because she trusts me!?” He sighed in frustration, “Look, Nick, you’ve brought nothing but pain to this girl with everything that’s happened this summer. I will be so incredibly shocked if she forgives you.” So would I.

I slipped away without John noticing me and found my way to Breathe Carolina’s bus. I sniffed and wiped the tears away from my cheeks before entering the code to unlock the door. Once granted entrance, I climbed onto a mess of noise. All stopped, though, when they heard the door clamber closed.

The first thing I noticed was the small girl with bright purple hair sitting next to Kyle at the table. Then I noticed everyone was staring. “Thanks, Fuckers, for leaving me at the party last night.” I growled through oncoming tears.

“JohnOh said he had everything covered!” Kyle defended and I rolled my eyes.

Next thing I know, Anna was up from the bench and pulling me into a hug, “Sweetie, everything will be okay.” She said softly and I nodded.

When I had calmed down, I pulled away from Kyle’s girlfriend and turned to Sauce, “Happy birthday, Sauce.” I said as I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

“Thank you.” He said softly then outstretched his arms and made his way into my waiting ones.
---
I hung out with Anna most of the day doing nothing but lounging around the bus. My eyes were red and puffy from crying and I couldn’t stop thinking about Nick. I just wanted to stop, shut my brain off and sleep for months until everything was over. I never really got what I wanted, though.

I didn’t understand why he had to sleep with Nicole. Wasn’t I enough? What had I done wrong?

“You know what upsets me the most about all of this?” I said to Anna as we lied in the back lounge watching sappy love stories on HBO.

“Hmm?” She replied.

“Nick had left for Braintree the day after my graduation and was there for three days before he drove his car back to LA.” I wiped a tear that had silently slipped out then continued, “He got there relatively late on the thirteenth because he had a late flight then left early on the fifteenth because he called me when he was on the road.” I sniffed, “So really, the only time something could have happened was on the fourteenth, so he obviously didn’t care.”

Anna didn’t say anything, just looked at me sadly.

“I thought we were happy.” I hated the feeling in my chest. I felt empty. “Way to make me feel like shit.” My voice cracked on the last words as my emotions ran free, “I was happy. I was so happy before that. We had our reception with my family and we were finally settling his stuff into the apartment. We had gone on dates. We were having sex. God, do you know how much sex we started having when he got home? Why wasn’t I enough for him?” I cried.

Anna wrapped her arms around my shoulders and rubbed my back as I sobbed, “You are enough for him, Sweetie. In fact, you’re too good for him. He’s an asshole.” That was one thing we both agreed on.