We've Lost Control

I was far too hungover the next morning to function properly. I had made it back to Breathe Carolina’s bus before bus call which was a miracle in itself. But what I really wished for was my nausea to go away. On top of all of that, it was my last day at the Punk Rock Summer Camp and I had to say my goodbyes to everyone then gather the strength to make it to the airport in two mornings.

I gulped down painkillers then got ready for the day. Really, all I did was pull on my jeans and a tank top then push my bangs into a messy pomp and wrap the rest of my dark hair into a twisted bun.

“How does it feel to be back home?” I asked Kyle as he played around on his Macbook. I felt bad because I hadn’t spent much time with him since he let me crash on their bus.

Pushing the computer aside, he looked up and smiled at me, “It’s bittersweet. Bitter because Anna has to leave today and because we’re also just here temporarily. Sweet because we’re at home and all of our friends and family are coming out.”

I smiled weakly at him, “There’s going to be a shit ton of people here, huh?”

He nodded, “Bus party!” He cackled and I inwardly groaned; I’d only know about seven people out of thirty. Wonderful.
---
“Hey.” Garrett said when he opened the door to The Maine’s bus later that day.

“Hey,” I replied weakly as I crossed my arms across my chest. I had no energy and just wanted somewhere quiet, “how loud is your bus?” I questioned warily.

He looked over the edge of the couch separating the stairs from the front lounge. “Uh,” He shrugged, “not very. It’s just me and Jared up here in the front lounge playing XBOX. Everyone else is out doing other shit.”

I nodded without looking at him then raised my gaze to his blue eyes, “Do you think I could join you?” I asked quietly. For some reason, I felt as if I was going to be rejected. But he smiled and nodded anyways.

“Yeah, totally! Come on up!” He stepped up and out of my way, so I could climb on.

Their bus was nice and cold, instantly giving me goosebumps. It was also relatively quiet, which I felt like I hadn’t been around in days; Breathe Carolina’s bus was always crowded and loud.

“Hey Sawyer, what’s up?” Jared asked when I got all the way up the stairs and in his line of vision. He was sitting in the corner of the couch next to the table, leaning against the bench.

“Nothing much. I’m pretty hungover and Breathe Carolina’s bus has about twenty-five people on it right now.”

He seethed, “oow. No bueno.”

I nodded, “So I was wondering if I could hang out with you guys.” There I was feeling like I was going to get rejected again.

He nodded nonetheless, “Yeah, for sure.” He extended his controller to me, “Do you want to play?”

I quickly shook my head, “Oh, no. I’ll just watch.” I said as I sat down on the couch parallel to the one he was on.
---
I ended up falling asleep to the hum of machine guns and was woken up to the slam of their door. My head panged as I jumped up.

“Nice going, Johno, you woke up Sleeping Beauty.” Jared complained as I looked around in a haze.

John was standing by the door looking at me with an apologetic smile, all the while I clutched my head and blinked. My mind was a big cloud as if I was just then waking up from my previous night’s alcohol induced slumber. “I’m sorry, Sawyer.” He apologized, “You look like shit.”

I scoffed, “Thanks, Jackass.”

He smirked, “No problem, Bitchtits.” My jaw went slack.

“Dude, what is with you?” Garrett asked for me, not even taking his eyes off of the screen. I was either not out that long or they really had nothing to do.

Ignoring Garrett’s question, he walked by them and to the kitchen area gaining a “Hey Fucker!” from Jared and a “What the fuck, Man?” from Garret as soon as he stepped in their line of vision. “Sawyer, can I talk to you in the back lounge?” I raised a questioning eyebrow at him, but obliged anyways. What could he possibly need to talk about in private?

The back lounge was full of instruments and equipment which surprised me because not too long before, I had crashed on the couch and nothing had been occupying the room. “We’ve been writing.” He explained as he moved a guitar case so we could sit down. I didn’t understand why he was explaining anything to me. It’s not like he owed me any explanation. “Sit, we need to talk.” He said once he sat down.

Skeptically, I sat down next to him, a bit crooked so my body was facing his.

“As you may know, your husband has been calling every day mostly because I’m his only way to get any information on if you’re okay or not.” I stared at him, waiting for him to go on, “He called me last night pretty late and pretty pissed off. He told me that he called you last night because he does every night, except you didn’t answer. He got an ear-full from Alex Gaskarth and Gabe Saporta, all the while you were in the background, giggling. He said you were completely wasted again, Sawyer.” I rolled my eyes; so what If I had been wasted?

“I had never heard him so angry before. He was fucking livid. He was blaming me for you hanging out with All Time Low and Cobra Starship. He said I should have been watching you-”

My mouth opened and my eyes widened in shock, “Oh my God, I’m not a fucking child!” I exclaimed to which he nodded in agreement.

“Yes, I know and I told him that, but really Sawyer, he’s just worried about you. Whether you want to admit it or not, he cares about you.” I scoffed, “Sawyer, he loves you. He just made a stupid mistake.” I folded my arms across my chest and raised an eyebrow at him. Finally, he sighed, “What you’re doing isn’t like you, Sawyer. You don’t drink and hook up with guys you hardly know. What does that solve, really?” He was looking at me, waiting for a reply.

“It helps numb the pain. It helps me forget about everything for a bit.” I replied sadly. “John, I’ve never been as hurt as what the boy has done to me. He’s my first love and being betrayed by your first love is some of the worst pain you can experience. I can‘t sleep because I have horrible dreams of him. And when I do sleep, I wake up with a tightening in my chest and it just hurts, John. Everything hurts.” I spilled my guts to him. “I think what hurts the most, though, is that I still love him. I can’t seem to just move on from him like I vowed myself to do if I was ever cheated on.”

He stopped me, “You have to remember, though, that you can’t just walk away from him and never speak again. You’re married. You can't just call it quits. This was one mistake.”

“I know, but how am I supposed to know he won’t do it again?” I questioned.

He shook his head, “That boy is so scared of losing you that I doubt he’s ever going to get near that bitch ever again.”

“If he’s so scared of losing me, why did he do it in the first place?”

“Moment of weakness. He told me she seduced him. He didn’t deliberately go out there with the intent to sleep with her, to hurt you.”

I leaned over and held my head in my hands, “God, John, I had been pregnant when he did it. Can you imagine what would have happened if I didn’t have a miscarriage and I was pregnant right now?” The thought scared me.

“I honestly think you’d suck it up and forgive him.” Even without the fetus, I was already on the verge of doing it. “Look, he called you every night and left you a voicemail. Maybe you should check it and see what he has to say.” He reached over and squeezed my knee then got up and left me alone with my thoughts.
---
All but one voicemail was from Nick. The extra one being from Hanley, bitching me out about her not being kept in the loop.

I was nervous as Nick’s first message began playing. The automated voice told me it had come in on my first night back on Warped Tour. It started with a heavy sigh then his tired voice broke through the silence, “Sawyer, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but we really need to talk. I know you’re on Warped again, staying with Breathe Carolina. I understand you need space, but please be careful.” It was quiet and I thought the message was over, but just as I went to press the seven key he began talking again. “I love you.” “End of message.” I pressed on the seven, “Message deleted. Next message.”

“I see your phone is still off. JohnO called me today and told me you got wasted last night.” I cringed at the memory of my first night back on tour, “He said you were crying and I just can’t believe I did what I did. Babygirl, you’re good enough for me. In fact, you’re way more than enough. Never ever second guess yourself. What I did had nothing to do with you.” He paused, “I wish you would talk to me.” He sighed, “I love you.”

I sighed sadly then pressed delete, “John said he didn’t see you all day. I mean, I guess that’s normal since Warped Tour is a big place. I miss you. I really want to see you and just hold you in my arms, but I know that just isn’t possible right now. I really don’t want to keep explaining myself to your voicemail. I hope you’re getting these messages, though. I want to see your smile again.”

Delete.

“John still hasn’t seen you. I’m sure you’re fine in the sense that you haven’t died, but I can’t help but to worry. I hope you’re not blocking yourself off from everyone again… Hanley keeps bugging me, but I haven’t told her anything because I’m sure if you wanted her to know, you’d have told her. She’s worried and quite frankly, so am I. I love you, okay? I want you to know that.”

Delete.

“I’m glad to know you’re still alive and that you talked to John today. You’re still angry, he told me. I’m scared that you’re never going to talk to me again, Sawyer. I’m such a fucking idiot. God, Sawyer, I can’t even think about what I’m going to do if you never talk to me.” He was quiet for a long while before he whispered out an “I love you.”

Delete.

“God Sawyer, I wasn’t expecting you to answer my call last night. My heart broke at your cries. How could you think I never loved you? I‘ve always loved you. I’ve never stopped. You asked how I didn’t feel guilty, the truth is, I felt guilty every single day. It tore me up. I’m not trying to be the victim, I just couldn’t believe how badly I fucked up with someone as perfect as you. I wish I never did it. I wish I never went to Braintree. I wish I never met Nicole. You’ve gotta believe me when I tell you that you’re my one and only, Sawyer. I’m terrified of losing you. I know I don’t deserve you, but please, please forgive me. I love you.”

Delete.

“Sawyer… please just talk to me. I miss you. I love you.”

Delete.

“I really hope you’re listening to these messages. I feel as if we’re slow dancing in a burning room. I know I just quoted John Mayer and you don’t like him all that much, but it’s the only way I could describe our relationship right now. I love you.”

Delete.

As soon as I pressed the seven key, my phone beeped in my ear signaling an incoming call. When I pulled the phone away, I saw that it was Nick. Quickly, I pressed ignore then continued on with the next message. “John told me you haven’t been sleeping much. That’s not healthy, Babygirl. I hope you’re eating. I hope you’re not skin and bones the next time I see you. If there’s a next time. I hope there’s a next time. I want to see you. I want to hold you. I want to kiss you. We’re married, Sawyer. Doesn’t that mean anything? Right now I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and guess who has it? You do. I know this is every bit my fault, but I just want you to forgive me even though I don’t deserve it.” He paused and I listened to his breathing.

“When I do actually fall asleep at night, I usually wake up not being able to breathe because I know I fucked up so horribly. Because I might not ever get to hold you, kiss you, and love you the way I want to. I might not ever get to rest my head on your shoulder when you’re perfecting your mascara in the morning and listen to you cuss when you accidentally blink when it’s not dry yet and it gets all over your eyelids. I might not ever get to drive you around Southern California and sing obnoxiously loud to Ryan Cabrera with you anymore. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry before you start believing me? Tell me the number and I’ll do it. I’ll write it out for you and get a plane to spell it out in the clouds. Sawyer, I’m sorry. We need to make it through this, all right? I love you.”

Tears were pouring down my face as I deleted the message and started listening to the next one. “I guess you’re just plain ignoring my calls now.” It was the message he left when he had called minutes before, “I’m standing in front of the place we got married. I’m in Vegas and I wish you were here, standing with me, holding my hand. I was kind of hoping you’d show up as a surprise, but then I realized you’d never show up. I’m pathetic to think that you would show up after everything I’ve put you through this summer.” He sighed sadly, “The hope in me that you’ll forgive me is dwindling. I know I’m losing you Sawyer and that’s killing me inside. I love you, all right? I love you, Sawyer Santino and nothing will ever change that.”

“End of messages. Check erased messages.”

I clicked “end call” then wiped the tears from beneath my eyes. My heart hurt and it was hard for me to breathe. I had never been so conflicted in my life.
---
“Kyle, tell me what to do.” I said pathetically as I approached Breathe Carolina’s bus and saw him standing in front of it.

“Sawyer Girl, I can’t make the decisions for you, you have to do it yourself.”

I groaned, “But I’m so conflicted and my mind hurts. I feel as if I should leave him just because I was taught not to stay with a cheater, but I love him and I know he loves me.”

He smiled softly at me as he took me in his arms, “Just follow what you feel is right.”