We've Lost Control

I was mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. I felt somewhat empty, like I was folding in on myself. Who knew this was how I would react to the news. It wasn’t as if I knew before and got attached. I think I was just tired of Warped Tour and fighting with Nick and being dirty and the heat.

For Fourth of July we stayed at a hotel in Dallas. The guys knew we needed to be alone, so we had our own room. It wasn’t anything special just a normal room with tan walls and a 20 inch TV on a brown dresser with a king sized bed up against the middle of the wall.

“Come on Sawyer, you need to take a shower or something. It might make you feel better.” Nick said softly as he pushed my hair back out of my face. I was lying on the bed, clutching onto my pillow. I wasn’t blinking and wouldn’t make eye contact with him. “Babe, come on.” He said as he wrapped his hand around my arm and tugged gently.

I ripped my arm out of his grasp and glared at him, “I am not helpless.” I seethed then got up and made my way into the bathroom.

He sighed then followed me. When he got to the doorway, I had the bath running, filling up the oversized tub. I pulled my shirt and shorts off, leaving me in my bra and underwear. Before I stripped completely naked I turned and shut the door, pushing Nick out of the way without a word.

It was Nick’s fault all of this happened. He was the one that had started the fights. The worthless fights. He was the one who made me stressed out. That’s not what a supportive husband is supposed to do. A supportive husband accepts your friends and isn’t supposed to pick petty fights. Why did he have to make everything so difficult? Why couldn’t he just man up and accept the friends I had before I met him?

I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. The only thing I really remember was Nick yelling at me to “wake up.” He was fully clothed in the bathtub with me, holding my head above the water. Water flowed from my lips as I coughed, gasping for breath. My lungs burned and I felt dizzy. Had I just tried to kill myself?

I looked up at Nick with wide eyes. He was so concerned and scared. “Don’t you ever do that again, do you hear me?” He yelled with tears in his eyes. I merely nodded completely at loss of words. He pulled me up and into his chest, “I thought you were gone.”

The only thing I could think of was how much at fault he was and how I didn‘t want him to touch me.
---
Nick wouldn’t let me out of his sight, much to my dismay. According to him I wasn’t supposed to be alone because I might kill myself. It was a load of bull since I couldn’t even remember pushing myself under water.

I was so mad at him; if he didn’t cause all of those stupid fights we would be having a baby. It was his fault. I wasn’t about to yell at him, though. I just tried to ignore him which was really hard when he was trying to be with me every second of the day. He was suffocating me and I knew I would burst soon enough.

We were in Cleveland, Ohio. I’d never been there because but it wasn’t like I could go anywhere with the Rocket Squad on my case. If Nick wasn’t with me, someone from the band was. Most of the time I just told them to go on and do whatever and I’d hang out with Kyle. I knew Nick knew what was going on, but e still stuck Justin, Halvo, or Andrew on me.

“Where are you going?” Nick asked as I walked passed him playing some video game on XBOX.

I rolled my eyes, “Lights wants me to watch her set because we’re only on tour for a few more days. Is that all right with you, Sarge?” There was so much attitude in my voice, but he ignored it.

“I’ll come with you.” He said then went to get up.

I held my hand up, “No. You don’t have to watch me; I will be fine.”

He scoffed, “Maybe I actually want to watch LIGHTS.” He got up anyways and followed me off of the bus, pissing me off.

Because Nick was standing a centimeter away from me the whole set, I couldn’t enjoy it at all. When Lights announced her last song, I made my way off of the stage as I typed out a text to her saying I was sorry I couldn’t stay for the whole thing.

“What are you doing? I thought you wanted to watch her set?” Nick yelled over LIGHTS’ synthesizers.

I rolled my eyes and kept walking, completely ignoring him, but he was hot on my tail. I tried to walk faster and lose him in the crowd but he was too quick.

“Sawyer!” He yelled when we got passed security for the buses.

I quickly turned around which caused him to stop short and almost run into me, “What?!”

“Why are you so upset?!”

“Because you’re fucking everywhere!” I cried exasperatedly. “And if you’re not there, someone’s there. I can’t take a piss without someone standing outside the goddamn door!“ I yelled, “I am not a child.” I said sternly.

His eyes darkened as he got angry, “Well with the shit you pulled in Texas you need to be watched.”

Once more, I rolled my eyes, growing even more irritated with him, “Oh come off it! I didn’t even realize what I was doing!”

He narrowed his eyes at me, “You’re mad about something else, I know it. What is it?” He questioned and immediately I avoided his eyes.

“No I’m not.”

“Bullshit yes you are.”

“No. I’m not.” I said then turned and continued on walking to the bus.

I made it a few feet before Nick grabbed my bicep and stopped me, “Tell me why you’re mad at me.”

I broke.

“It’s your fault!” I yelled loudly and his eyes widened at the confession.

“My fault for what?!” He exclaimed. It didn’t bother either of us that we were in public with people walking around us, people we knew.

“It’s your fault that I had a miscarriage because you were the one that started all of those stupid fights You stressed me out to the point where I had a fucking miscarriage!”

His jaw dropped, “You don’t think I already know that? You don’t think that I already know that I’m the one causing you so much hurt and pain? It kills me inside.”

I looked at him and for once I wasn’t crying. Shaking my head, I looked him straight in the eyes and lowered my voice, “You will never know how much this killed me inside.” I turned and walked away from him. For once, he didn’t follow.

“You don’t even want kids!” He called after me to which I turned my head, but continued walking.

“Fuck you, Santino! Fuck. You.”
---
I knew Nick was watching me throw things into my bag. I knew he was watching me with a disgusted look on his face, like he couldn’t stand to see how weak I was. “So leaving is going to make it all better?”

I glanced at him, not wanting to look at him for longer than I had to, “For the time being.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t stand you right now.” I answered truthfully then pushed passed him to get to the front lounge, “I called a cab and booked my ticket.” I said as I grabbed some of my things lying around. I had done mostly everything before Nick came back to the bus. I needed out.

“This isn’t going to solve anything.” He stated.

“Maybe we shouldn’t solve anything.” I said sadly, “Maybe we just weren’t meant to be.” The idea of us not working out had been plaguing my thoughts since the beginning of tour.

He shook his head, though, “No. We are meant to be. I’ll prove it to you.” He said as he grabbed onto my arms, “Sawyer, this isn’t the end, all right? Till death do us part.” My heart was breaking at the desperation in his eyes, “I love you.” He said.

“I love you, too, but I need some time, okay? This has just been too much.” He nodded then leaned down and kissed my forehead tenderly, “I’ll see you in August.” I said then walked off the bus. I had no idea if I was making the right decision or not. Only time would tell.