We've Lost Control

Surprisingly enough, Hanley was at home when I walked through the door. She was sitting on the couch cross-legged reading some magazine when she looked up at me. I hadn’t called to tell her I was coming home or what was going on, so she was a bit shocked to say the least. Her mouth was a bit agape as she looked at me with confusion “Wha-what?” She managed to get out.

I didn’t reply, instead I dropped my bags and made my way over to her, lip quivering and eyes watering. I collapsed next to her and she pulled me into her side, “What happened, Sawyer? You’re not supposed to be home for another month.”

That’s what I broke down. “I don’t know if I have a husband anymore.” I cried.

“What? What do you mean? What did Nick do? Did he send you home?” She spit out quickly and I shook my head.

“It was my idea to come home. We’ve been fighting so much lately. Then a week ago I started having really bad stomach pains to the point that I passed out. I guess an ambulance came because I woke up in the hospital.” I paused as I mentally prepared myself for the next part of the story, “The doctor told me I had had a miscarriage. A miscarriage, Hanley. I was pregnant.”

She didn’t say anything for a bit, so I pulled away and looked at her, “It was his fault. He had been starting fights with me over the stupidest things. Most of it involved Breathe Carolina. He was jealous of nothing.” I shook my head and wiped underneath my eyes with the back of my hand, “I was so mad at him. Everything caught up with me and I just had to get away from him.” I finished.

She stared at me in shock, “Babe, you were pregnant?” She asked and I nodded weakly, “Did you know?” I shook my head, “Oh Sweetie.” She said then pulled me into another hug, cradling my head to her neck, “I know it’s tough, but don’t you think it was for the best? I mean, you’re only eighteen and you guys haven’t been together that long and you’re starting school in the fall.”

I nodded weakly then sniffed, “I know, but it still hurts.”

She pushed my hair out of my face and leaned her cheek against my head, “I know Sweetie, I know. That still doesn’t mean you have to push Nick away.” She said, “You know that was his kid, too, so he’s suffering just like you are.” I cleared my throat of the phlegm that collected from my cries, but didn’t say anything. She was right, but I couldn’t help but feel some resentment toward him still.

I pushed myself away from her and got up, sniffing again, “I’m going to take a shower then pass out.” I said as I grabbed my bags.

“Okay,” Hanley softly said. She was looking at me funny. Pity. I hated when people did that. “Do you want to go get something to eat when you wake up?” She asked and I shrugged.

“I’ll see when I wake up.” She nodded without saying anything else and I walked out of the room.
---
My nap was short lived because I couldn’t sleep. That was happening more and more as time went on. At first I blamed it on the tour bus, but now that I was home I didn’t know what I could blame it on. It was just pure stress.

I was a little hungry, so I decided to take Hanley up on her offer of getting food. It was almost eleven, so most things should’ve been open. As I walked down the hallway I could hear Hanley talking to someone.

“She’s asleep right now, Nick.” My heart panged in my chest, “She’s really tore up about what happened, like really tore up.” She paused as he talked on the other end, “I know you didn’t, Nick. You just have to remember that she’s only eighteen. You guys weren’t ready for a baby.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. “You just have to give her a little bit of time. Being on tour just isn’t what she needs right now.” She was quiet as Nick spoke. I really wished I could hear what he was saying. “I know Nick, I know. I promise.” Sighing quietly, I turned and walked back to my room having lost my appetite.

I didn’t really look around when I first got in, but now that Nick plagued all of my thoughts, I looked around our room. It was still so weird to call it that after how long I’d lived in it on my own. It was just how Nick and I left it, though. Our dirty clothes were lying around along with some of his things we hadn’t found room for. His guitars were leaned up in a row against the wall opposite the door, under the window. It made me miss him.

I walked over to my bag sitting on the floor with my arms wrapped around my stomach as If I would fall apart if I let go. It truly felt as if I was. Would the feeling ever go away? It honestly felt like I’d be stuck in that rut forever. Forever is such a long, long time.

My phone had been turned off since I walked off the bus which really shouldn’t have happened since I left without telling anyone but Nick. I knew some people would be upset with me, but it was for the best. Right? My inbox was blown up when it powered on. A few people from Warped wondering what the fuck was up with me. Some had heard about Nick and I’d blow out in the bus area which wasn’t that great. It seemed as if everyone knew about the miscarriage.

From Garrett Nicko:
Girl, I miss you already! I hope you feel better soon!

From Halvo:
Sawyer, your husband is a douche for driving you away. I’m gonna miss our late night movie marathons. Feel better!

From JayBo:
The bus already seems empty without you. Please feel better soon!

From DrewCook:
Who am I supposed to pick on Justin and Halvo with now, Sawyer? I miss you already, girl!

From Lights:
I heard what happened and I’m truly sorry that it had to happen as wonderful as you. I hope you and Nick are all right. If you need anything just call me, okay? It’s gonna be weird not seeing you on the side of the stage or in the media pit at my set now. Feel better :(

From Sauce:
WHAT THE FUCK SAWYER?! WHY YOU GOTTA LEAVE LIKE THAT?! All right, I guess I understand with the circumstances and all but you coulda at least said bye!

From David:
Sawyer, I don’t even know what to say except that I hope you feel better soon and if there’s someone I need to beat up just let me know.

From Johno:
:(

From Kyle:
Sawyergirl, I really wish you could have stuck around for the duration of Rocket’s time here, but I understand why you needed to go home. I know he was suffocating you and I don’t blame you for wanting to go home. Remember that I’m here for you and if you ever need me I’m just a phone call away. I better see you at Carson!

And then there was Nick. Simple and straight to the point: “I’m sorry. I love you. Don’t give up on us.”

There were so many emotions going through me, but mostly all there was was heartache. I clicked reply and typed out a message.

“I’m sorry for how broken I am. I didn’t mean to get like this. I hope you realize that I didn’t mean to almost drown myself., I just couldn’t control my actions. I blame it on being depressed. I never thought this was how I would react to something I never wanted in the first place. I guess I wanted it more than I thought. Especially with you. I love you, okay? Don’t forget it. Don’t give up on me.”

As I reread it, my thumb clicked on the erase button and I typed a new message.

“I love you. I hope that’s enough.” Then it was sent. I felt the need to keep my feelings bottled up inside of me for some reason.

Not even twenty seconds later I got a new text.

“It’s all I ask.<3”