Left Out To Die

My fingers lightly trace over the braid of the rope. I can’t believe it’s this easy. Wait for a day both my parents are gone. That wasn’t hard. They were both so work addicted that they had no time for me. The daughter they didn’t want. The trouble child that got bad grades and hung out with all the wrong people. Well, not all the wrong people. No not Annie. The daughter they wished they had.

My fingers pick up the rope and I pull it through my hands. The little hairs on the twine burn my palm as it scrapes through my closed fist. Annie. I think she’s the only thing I’ll miss in this world. Sweet little Annie. Always running to my rescue. Well not this time Annie. You can’t do anything to stop it this time.

Pain and guilt course through my veins as I think about Annie. I walk to my desk and pick up a pen and paper. I need to leave her something. She needs to understand. I walked over to the rope and started to write.

Dear Annie,

I need you to understand that this has nothing to do with you. I love you. You are probably the only thing that kept me alive this long. You are my best friend and I will never forget you. I hope you forget me. I know I’ve only brought you pain and misery. But I guess if I don’t want you to blame yourself, I should give you an explanation. So here it goes.

I guess I should start with Alex. I know, the perfect guy. Cute. Sweet. My boyfriend really couldn’t get better, right? Wrong. Oh, I wish it were true. He was so sweet to me that first month. Perfect gentleman. But all good things must come to an end. It started that night we went drinking. You didn’t drink remember? And I only had a little bit that particular night. But Alex had so many he couldn’t walk. So, living only two blocks away from him, I offered to walk him home. That was a big mistake. Have you ever been alone with Alex when he’s really drunk? Probably not. Well you shouldn’t. I mean, the first hit didn’t hurt too bad but the ten following hurt like hell. I thought I could handle it though. That is, until he started touching me. In places I really didn’t want him to touch. I told him to stop. I told him I didn’t want to do this. Especially when he was acting the way he was. He slapped me again and told me to shut up. That night I lost something I can never get back. I stayed with him, as you well know, but it was never the same. And then he would get drunk again and you guys would assume I was taking him home. So I did. And it was always a repeat of that first night. But I got used to it. The pain eventually died down and I could easily hide the bruises. But Alex is just one of the reasons. I guess I should move on to the next one.

Hailey. Hailey, Hailey, Hailey. She’s probably the most obvious reason. She has tortured me in school since second grade. It started out innocent enough. Hair pulling and name calling. But when we hit that ninth grade mark, oh the things she did. Let me tell you something, what that girl lacked in smarts she made up for in creativity. But I won’t go through her many torture methods here because that would take too long. But Hailey isn’t on this list because of the obvious reasons. No. She’s on this list because she made me see that no matter how much I hated her, she was better than me. You see, two months ago, she came up to me and apologized. She just apologized. Said “I’m sorry,” as though it was the most natural thing in the world. So this got me thinking. Would I apologize for beating up on someone for nine years? And that’s when I realized that I wouldn’t. If I suddenly became sorry, I wouldn’t be able to face that person, let alone apologize. So if Hailey, Horrible Hailey, was better than me, then I must be a real piece of crap. It may seem small and insignificant to you, but to me, it meant something.

So this brings us to our last reason. My family. Good ol’ mom and pop. Too bad I can barely remember what their faces look like. But that’s ok because they can’t even remember my birthday. Do you remember what they did on my birthday? They took a plane to Paris. Without me. To work. And they didn’t send a postcard, let alone a present. You remember that don’t you Annie? You stayed with me while I cried and you gave me my only birthday present, other than my beating and raping from Alex, of course. But I actually liked your present. In fact, I’d like to be buried in that bracelet. I hope you can take care of that for me.

So anyways, this is my suicide note I guess. Just letting you know that it’s not your fault and that I love you. Well I guess I’ll see you in heaven then.

Your best friend,
Amber

I fold the piece of paper and place it on my bed and pick up the rope again. I still can’t believe it’s this easy. I tie the rope into a slip knot. I get the chair from my desk and use it to hang the rope from the chain holding my light up in my room. I slip the noose around my neck and feel the hairs of the rope scrape the skin on my neck. And then I do the one thing I have the courage to do. I kick the chair out from under me.