Take This To Heart

Regret. A word used much too often by some, and misunderstood by most. Regret, by definition is a sense of loss, disappointment, and/or dissatisfaction.

It was the feeling people had when they reflected upon certain aspects of their lives.

Regret was the feeling everyone told you to ignore when you were a kid. Charles Dickens once said, “Regrets are the natural property of gray hairs,” and if there’s one thing that scares little girls most, it’s gray hair.

Regret was an excuse for things you were to afraid to do, or say.

Regret was the feeling locked in the pit of my stomach while I watched the scene before me unfold.

Have you ever wondered how one person’s life can change because of one answer to one very, simple question? I have, too.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Hunter?” he asked as he hovered above me. I felt none of his weight as he rested all of it comfortably on his arms placed casually on either side of me.

I traced my fingers along his bare chest, making no particular pattern. I stared at the invisible marks, hoping they would somehow spell out the correct answer to his question.

“Baby?” he said, kissing the corner of my mouth.

I took one last, long look at his skin before meeting his eyes. I lifted my head from the red pillowcase and attached my lips to his. His weight crashed on top of me as he gave in but he pulled away quickly.

“So that’s a yes, then?” he asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“I love you,” I said, knowing that when he said it back any doubt would disappear.

He smiled once more and brought his lips to my neck, not saying those three words back that entire night.

It was three years ago on this very same night that my life stopped going the direction I had hoped it would go. I remembered only because it was my seventeenth birthday. Tonight, it was my twentieth birthday and everything was so different.

When I turned seventeen I was completely head over heels for a boy with charming words and a cute face.

When I turned seventeen I was at the top of my class and I loved going to school.

When I turned seventeen I had the best friend in the entire world, and he supported every decision I made.

When I turned seventeen I gave everything I had for free to a boy I wasn’t even sure would take it. But he did.

I didn’t know that giving my virginity to him would permanently sign my life in his name. He warned me though, at least he did that much.

My biggest mistake was saying yes each time he asked me if I was certain anything was right.

At first I was sure that giving up going to my dream college and settling for one in Arizona would be worth it. We would stay together, because long distance was impossible for two kids so in love.

But the doubt start seeping through the tight sealant his love had provided when he would cancel plans with me to go to a party with his friends.

When he told me he was going to follow his best friends on their tour across America, my mind finally registered the knot that had been in my stomach for the last three years. The feeling of anxiousness, met with resistance and denial, had finally come to a head. Doubt was something I had been living with since I bonded myself to him so many years ago, and now that I recognized it, it was the only track my mind would run along. It was an unsteady and virtually never ending track, by my calculations, anyway.

“What if we can’t do this?” I asked him as we stood on the grass of his front lawn. The band was loading their gear into the old, beaten van as we said our goodbyes.

“Hunter, I am one hundred percent positive we can do this,” he said, placing his hands on my hips.

I let out a quiet laugh, “How are you always so sure of everything?”

“I went with my gut when I figured out that I loved you, so I’ve never doubted it since.”

His daunting, cocky smile that had once helped me float higher than any doubt now made me sink helplessly to the ground. The sincerity of his words made my fists clench. The way he touched me made me shiver. But the truth that I believed every word he said made me hate myself.

Why me? It was an overrated question with an underrated answer. Most people would tell me that life just wasn’t fair. I refused to accept this. Life was fair if you were fair in turn. What had I done to make life so pissed off at me? This was what I wanted an answer to.

I studied the bed sheets from the door that was only open enough for me to peek through. They were a navy blue, with a white comforter lying over the top of two bodies.

“Hunter, what are you doing?” I heard the words from behind me and jumped in surprise. I quickly pulled the boy by his shirt into the room across the hall. I closed the door and put a hand over his mouth. He mumbled under my hand and soon became annoyed, deciding to lick my hand.

I pulled away and wiped my hand on his shirt, “Be quiet, Kennedy,” I whispered.

“Who were you spying on?” he asked, hushing his voice.

“None of your business,” I told him.

He looked at me, incredulous, “Are you kidding me?”

“It’s not a big deal,” I lied.

“He’s cheating on you, again. It’s a big deal, Hunt,” he fumed.

I looked him in the eye, “Again?”

His eyes went wide and I could tell he was trying to figure out a way to backtrack, “Hunter,” he said soothingly, “I thought you knew.”

I sunk down onto the bed, “I am such an idiot.”

“Yeah, you are,” he said casually.

“Thanks, Kenny.”

He gently placed his hand on my back, “Listen, Hunt, I know we’re not as close as we used to be, but-”

“And it’s entirely my fault. Yeah, I know, Kennedy. You don’t need to start this again,” I snapped.

“I was just going to say that I know you can do a lot better than Connor. I love the kid, but not for you,” he said.

“Tell that to the last three years of my life I wasted.”

“Well, that is your fault, definitely,” he told me.

I shrugged away from his touch, “You can go, Kennedy.”

“Not when my best friend is crying,” he slung his arm over my shoulder.

“I thought we weren’t best friends anymore. Hell, I didn’t even think we were friends.”

“You’ll always rank highest to me, Hunt. Maybe this breaking up with Connor thing will get you back to normal.”

I stood up and put my hands on my hips, “I like who I am, Kennedy. Just because you got the opportunity to live out your childhood dreams doesn’t mean everyone else wants to.”

“Dammit, Hunter,” Kennedy said, standing now too. “You were the biggest dreamer I’d ever met, that’s what I loved about you. You let him take that away! What happened to Julliard, huh? Do you even dance anymore?” he spat angrily.

“I chose to do what I did, Kennedy! You don’t get a say, anymore.”

He stayed silent as we stared fiercely into each other’s eyes, it was reminiscent of our fights we had had all our life. We bickered like brother and sister but forgave each other as quick as five year olds. It wasn’t constructive or even necessary, but it had worked so well up until three years ago.

We stared into each other’s eyes longer as I waited for him to break the tension with his always infectious grin. His face soon broke into a smile as I won the staring contest. I took a deep breath, still too angry to smile, “You always win,” he said.

“I kind of have more of a reason to be upset, here, Kenny,” I said as I turned my back to him and crossed my arms over my chest.

“I don’t think you ever wanted to become this person, Hunter. It’s not like I completely blame you,” he said in a sweet voice.

“And what kind of person have I become, Kennedy?” I asked angrily, his affectionate tone only fueling the fire burning hatefully in my heart.

“Well, right now you’re the kind of girl who yells at people, for one. You used to be the sweetest girl I had ever met. I don’t understand how that changed,” he said. He stayed silent and I could feel his presence only a few inches behind me. He was waiting for me to respond, but I didn’t have a legitimate way to justify myself to his accusation.

He stepped in front of me and posed his hands on his hips, “You used to be the girl that would give anything to study dance at Julliard. You used to love watching me play guitar. You used to fall asleep while I sang to you,” Kennedy was looking into my eyes, seeing right through me like he always had been able to. The conviction in his globes made me look away. A tear fell swiftly down my cheek and he placed his hands on my face while tenderly wiping that tear away.

“Your knees used to go weak when I smiled at you,” he said as a smile danced on his pink lips. I let out a quiet laugh and placed my hand over his.

“I didn’t know you knew that,” I said, embarrassed.

“I’ve always known, Hunter. I know everything about you. I know your favorite color, your favorite animal, your favorite food,” I looked at him, wanting more of an explanation. He let out a light laugh, “Purple, turtles, and enchiladas. I even know your favorite medicine, for God’s sake. Your favorite music to dance to is jazz, even though you can shake your hips like no one I’ve seen before.”

“How are you so sure that those are my favorite things anymore?” I asked, hating the fact that he was exactly right.

“Am I wrong?”

I shook my head as another tear fell down my cheek, Kennedy once again rubbing his rough thumb over my skin, “I’ve always been sure about you, Hunter.”

“How can you be so sure while I have every doubt?” I questioned.

“That’s what makes it easiest. You were always the smart girl that thought twice before she made any important decision. You doubting my feelings for you made it easy to know that you loved me back,” he said without hesitation.

I sat down on the bed, my mind in shock. I remembered back to my seventeenth birthday.

“Hunter, I swear, if you sleep with that guy I will personally hit you over the head with a chair.”

“Your wrestle mania obsession is getting a little tired, Kennedy,” I told him.

He put his hands on my shoulders, “Please, Hunt, I’m begging you.”

I shrugged out of his clutch, “You can’t always protect me, Kennedy. We’re not seven years old anymore. I’m going to do what I want to do.”

He sighed loudly, clearly frustrated. I watched as he paced in front of me, trying to come up with one last guilt trip to make me change my mind. I waited for a while, every second passing telling me it was going to get me. He looked at me and I got goose bumps on my skin, “I’ll never love you the same.”

My heart sank to the linoleum of the kitchen floor beneath me, “Don’t turn this into the dramatic story of the friends that have always been in love. You don’t love me, Kennedy Brock,” I told him, angrily. How dare he try to control my emotions. He had always had me in the palm of his hand, but this time he was using it against me.

I looked at the boy in front of me. His green eyes were contemplative and his lips pursed. He was considering, and I knew every thought going through his pretty little head.

“I’m one step out the door already, Kennedy. If you love me, tell me. Tell me right now, and I’ll stay right here with you,” I told him.

He stayed silent and finally met my eyes. I heard the click of heels on the floor behind me and turned to face the girl entering. She smiled at me and then turned to Kennedy, “Hey baby,” she said as she walked to him and placed a kiss on his lips.

I sighed, letting out a laugh, knowing it was all too good to be true. “Goodnight, Kennedy.”

“How come you waited so long to tell me?”

“I never knew the doubt would make you settle for a guy that never loved you as much as I did.”

I looked up from my seated position. I studied his face; only slightly different from the boy I had forced myself to fall out of love with three years ago tonight. His hair was shorter and he had a small amount of stubble on his chin. He had been on tour for the past three months and you could tell by his tired eyes and small body.

I stood up slowly and placed my hands on his shoulders hesitantly. I took a step towards him as he rested his hands on my hips. As his lips brushed mine he put a hand around the nape of my neck, “Are you sure about this?” I asked for the first time.

He smiled as I melted into those dimples. The only feeling in my stomach was excitement and my mind was wired, every touch sending a shock of electricity through my awakened senses. The man named doubt that I had come to know all too well wasn’t looking over my shoulder any longer. And even if he was, Kennedy’s certainty would have blinded him by now, “I always have been.”