Those Who Fall

School that day wasn't fun. Matt and Vic met me at my locker at the same time and I felt really guilty because I was only allowed to speak to Victor. I saw the jealousy stamped across Vic's face out of the corner of my eye as I stared at Matt. We had a telepathic conversation. A mini conversation where I broke his heart a little more. Victor held my hand and had one of his henchmen carry my books as we walked to homeroom and as Matt crutched ahead of us with the cast around his foot.

"So here is how this is going to work," Victor began to explain. "Friday was fun, and I think we should do it again tonight-"

"I can't-" he looked at me and raised his eyebrows astonished. "I have a doctor's appointment." The day before I'd been feeling weird and bloated so I went out on a limb and took a pregnancy test. Woop Dee Doo, I was pregnant, how fortunate. I got to almost bring the spawn of an evil manipulative jerk into the world. I knew that was absolutely not going to happen so I called a clinic and I set the appointment.

"My workers will tell me later whether that's a lie."

"what do you mean?"

"that's good. You haven't noticed how I have people watching. Just want to make sure you don't get into any trouble." I knew that was a lie. "I have a couple rules though. And I'm only doing this because I love you- you must obey me. I only want what's best for you." that's all he said. He didn't say I couldn't see Matt so maybe he assumed I knew what he was talking about. I didn't really want to stop though. Matt was the only reason I hadn't killed myself. How could anything get better with this overbearing kid breathing down my neck every five seconds. I had no control so why not demonstrate the only control over my life I did have?

We got to homeroom on time and he had me sit next to him, opposite the side of the room Matt was sitting on. Matt wouldn't look in our direction but I could tell he wanted to because there was absolutely nothing interesting about the wall at the back of the room. I was getting aggravated so I pulled a piece of paper out of my notebook and wrote 'meet you tomorrow at your house.' when we left homeroom I placed it on his desk by his crutches inconspicuously. That night I had to go to the doctor's to see if I was absolutely pregnant (just to make sure) then I went to the abortion clinic and did whatever they told me to. I hated my life. I didn't need a baby added to the suicidal feelings I had when I was with Victor. I was happy that Victor had no desire to ask me how I was feeling. First, he would just ignore me. Second, he couldn't beat me up for wanting to hurt him, still loving Matt, or wanting to kill myself. I was ecstatic when Tuesday rolled around because that meant I could sneak around and go to Matt's house.

When I snuck out to Matt's house I was trying to contain my mix of intense emotions. I was depressed, angry, and incredibly excited. I wore a navy blue sweater, a grey scarf, black stretchy skinny jeans and a red striped t-shirt. I rang his bell impatiently and his dad answered. I noticed he was leaving so I stepped out of the way and let him walk to his car. His father was murmuring something to himself. Something angry like "ungrateful bastard" and "medical" and "break." I hurried into the living room, closing the door behind me, where I saw Matt sitting on the couch with his foot resting on the coffee table. His crutches were in the kitchen, out of the way. I made a beeline for his lap. I threw one of my legs over his leg and sat on his lap. He turned the volume down on the tv and I kissed him. His mouth tasted like a peppermint candy cane. It tasted better than anything I could think of at that moment. He moved his head back even though I could tell he didn't really want to. He tried asking what I was doing but I ignored him. Passion or lust had overcome my body and all I wanted to do was kiss him. I was craving him. Whether it be his voice, his smile, his body, or his eyes, I wanted him. I wasn't exactly 100% aware of all of my emotions, I had never felt...that way before in my life and now all of a sudden everything was ready to come spilling out.

"what are you doing?"

"I need you. I haven't kissed you in three days. I miss you." We stared at each other for about twenty seconds. Every couple of seconds I would look at his lips but when I would look back at him our eyes would lock.

He kissed me this time. It felt like I could read his mind. Right then he was thinking "I missed you too." He unzipped my sweater and put it on the couch next to him. My hands were moving up and down his abs that I had never felt as intensely as I was in that moment before. His back muscles flexed as I touched him. His thick calloused fingers grazed my biceps then they squeezed my deltoids. I arched my back a tad and crashed onto him again. His hands felt so large on my back. He brought them to my sides his thumbs pressing against the bottom of my rib cage, squeezing the excess skin I had (baby fat that never went away, I was a fat kid.) They slid up my torso until they came into contact with the wiring of my bra. He seemed like he had been going to the gym more often lately. I tried sliding his shirt off and he let me. When I went to put my hands back on his stomach he stopped me and grabbed my arm. He took off my scarf and I tried getting it back but he grabbed my elbow and held my arm up between us.

"what's this?" he answered his own question in his mind. "I'm gonna kill him." he rubbed his thumb against the hickeys on my neck. His thumbs were prickly from him picking at his cuticles and the dried blister on his thumb. I closed my eyes. Not worrying about flashbacks but they ended up coming back. I couldn't even close my eyes while he stroked my neck without feeling useless and dirty. I gently put his hand down and opened my eyes.

"can I please have my scarf back?" he gave me my scarf and looked away. I wondered, in a split second, if he had heard the message I had left on his phone. I was also wondering if he was ashamed of me. The way he looked across the room made it seem like he was embarrassed to look at me. I grabbed his chin and made him look at me. I was still on his lap as I looked into his eyes. I didn't want to look at myself but I wanted to look at him. I was disappointed in myself. I didn't know why, but I was disappointed.

I fell to his side on the couch and my left leg remained on his lap. He rubbed his face over and over again. When finally he looked at me. "Can I tell you a story?"

"of course." I grabbed his hand and put my fingers between his.

"before I met you. I went to a school called LA Prep. When I went to school there I was a beast, literally. I was captain of every sport I played. Steroids...so I was extremely muscular. It was ridiculous. I picked fights with anyone weaker than me, which was everyone. One day I got into a huge fight with my dad and he ended up in the hospital. That made me quit the steroids and quit having to dominate everything, and I found God. I became abstinent and everything was great. We moved here when he got out of the hospital. I read lots of books and watched shows on how to be a gentleman. They taught me how to be a real man unlike my father, but when that thing happened, in the bathroom, I went into a blind rage. I couldn't really tell if I liked it or not. I can't lose everything I've worked for all these years because it's easy to beat him up or because I want to get into your pants...because it's easy."

"I don't get it..."

"I asked you to take it easy on me in this situation. You're-"

"I was raped, Matt....Do you know what it feels like to go to everyone, poor your heart out and then no one believe you? Do you know what it feels like to be taken advantage of? Do you know what it feels like to fight your heart out and that not count for anything? To have such a definitive part of you ripped out of your very soul and dangled in front of your face, over, and over, and over again? To be constantly violated and made to feel like you're a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything better than some kid who smells like he just walked out of a sardine canister? As much as I want it to, nothing about me will ever be the same."

"i'm sorry..." He looked at me. Studying my face. My eyes started watering so I hit myself in the forehead, trying to get my brain to reset itself. To ignore all of the pain and emotion. A tear rolled out of my eye as I kept smacking myself on the sides of my head. He grabbed hands and pressed them against his chest.

"my first time," I started drawing random pictures on his chest while his hands were still holding my bruised wrists gently. "with him. It was disgusting. Everytime I go to bed I have nightmares about it. I just wanted to know what it feels like to do it with someone I love." I rested my head on his shoulder And I felt him take a huge breath and let it out slowly from his nose.

"let me show you something."

He picked up his shirt and hopped over to his bedroom. Their house was only 1 floor so his tv didn't shake when he hopped. In his bedroom he brought me to his dresser. "this," he picked up his purity ring and held it in between us. "this is a purity ring. I made a commitment not to have sex before marriage. And as much as your situation sucks ass right now, I can't undo my promise." He put his ring back on the bureau and hugged me. His skin was warm like the rest of his body. He pulled me in for a hug when the doorbell rang and I got kind of scared. There was a huge chance that it was Victor at the door and I didn't want him to see me here, especially since Matt didn't have a shirt on and both of our faces probably looked so flushed, so I sank further back into his bedroom and he looked at me confused.
He went to open the door and I called for him. "Matt!" I heard him open the door and there was a loud thud. I crept out of the room to see Victor on the ground and the same guys that restrained him at the dance were holding him back. They put a needle into his back and Matt slowly dropped to the ground. They stood Victor up and shook him to wake him up. He took me into his car leaving Matt on the ground. His henchmen drove us back to my house. Once again I cried like a wimpy little girl. I wanted to pick Matt up and place him on the couch, turn up the volume to the cartoons he was watching and watch them with him in peace but I couldn't go back.

"You can't see Matt anymore. I will not allow it. Tomorrow you're going to get your stuff from his locker. I'm doing this for you." how the fuck did he think that this was for me. I was sick of him saying that. Only I knew what was best for me. He forced my head toward him using my neck and he proceeded to try and make out with me. It was so gross that I couldn't help scrunching my face in disgust.

I had the grossest taste in my mouth when I got inside my house. I washed my mouth out with listerine extra strength seven times. I started a letter to Matt that basically said everything that I had told him tonight and how I respect his space. Then I wrote what Victor had just told me. I was too sad to eat so I went to bed after putting the letter in my mailbox to be sent out the next day. I wasn't even sure if the mail would get picked up or if Matt would read it. Victor would probably intercept it and burn it but it was worth a shot.

I cried myself to sleep that night because I couldn't fall asleep otherwise. My nightmares were too vivid. I didn't want Vic in my thoughts but he was all there was. No dreams of Matt. No peace. I had to become comfortable with constantly being in fear.