Those Who Fall
Shake It Out
I spent the next couple days wheeling between her room and mine. I wanted to be near my room in case someone came looking for me but I didn't want to miss Jane being wheeled back into hers. I wanted to see her but I had no way of knowing if she felt the same. I didn't want to be a creep and wait inside her room but that's all I felt like doing. The secretary's words were still in my head. How would I make new memories with Jane. I'd have to start from the beginning. Maybe, recreate the same memories? No, I couldn't do that to her. A lot of our memories together were very unique. Our lives together began on the east coast. And most of our memories together consisted of Victor. And our memories here weren't exactly the greatest, except for the time we'd almost had sex...even then... This was almost an impossible task so I decided to start simple and small.
When I ran into Ms. Wanda I asked if she could do me a favor. I asked her to buy Jane another journal. One almost exactly like the old one. She agreed. It only took her 30 minutes to get it and some ribbon and a card for me to write in. She tied a bow around the journal and helped me write the card. My hand writing had gotten worse since the incident so Ms. Wanda was my scribe. I told her exactly what to write,
"Your aunt and I wanted to get you a gift. This is your journal and you can write about whatever you want. No one will ever read it unless you want them to. Let me know if you ever want to read your old journal because I still have it. Matt."
"This is really sweet of you, Matthew." Ms. Wanda slid the card into its envelope and placed it between the bow and the journal.
"Just subtly trying to show her how much I care without being creepy."
"That's probably the best way to do it."
"I wish I could've done something more."
"Well, what happened exactly? No one has told me anything. And its not like we have anywhere to be."
"I wouldn't know where to start. I don't think Jane...or old Jane, would want me to tell you."
"Why?"
"It's her secret to tell."
"She can't remember what her secrets are or if there even are any."
"You can respect that though? I don't want to tell you something you may not be able to handle, or something that may come back and bite me in the ass, excuse my language. Sorry."
"I can respect that...I'm her guardian though. If there's a threat to her life, I, and the police, should know."
"I can't. I'm really sorry. Just know, that...I could've done more. I could've fought harder. I could've waited a little longer. And I didn't. And this is pretty much all my fault..." She gave me a terrifying look, "indirectly of course. I didn't physically harm her, but I could've helped her."
She nodded her head and sat down in the corner of the room next to Jane's new bed with new linens and pillows. The journal and card with a nicely tied bow had been placed on her fluffed pillow. Everything seemed perfect. Her aunt was there, a smart and capable guardian. Jane was out of her coma with no memory of Victor. Her emotional scars seemed to vanish, and soon her actual scars and bruises would disappear too. Except for the giant gash on her abdomen. She had no memory of the pain Victor and I had caused. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Was she as strong as the Jane from a month ago? Was she now open to a love that wouldn't hurt her like I had? My heart sank into my stomach and my nose started to sting. My love for Jane couldn't be questioned. But her love for me didn't exist anymore. It wouldn't be hard for her to forget an acquaintance like me. I wouldn't want her to read her old journal just to see if there is a chance that she'll remember everything. Did I even want her to remember everything? This is a chance for her to start over. I would be a monster if I didn't give that to her.
"Can you just make sure she gets that?"
"Sure...where are you going?"
"I don't think I'll be back for-" I wheeled myself around and pulled open the door. "I won't be back."
"Don't you want to see her when she comes back?"
"Tell her that I went into surgery or something."
"You want me to lie?"
"I need you to do me a favor. It'll be better for me. And her."
"If she asks for you what should I tell her?"
"She won't." I started rolled myself out of her room and as the door was closing I heard her call after me.
"What if she does? Matt? Matt!"
When I ran into Ms. Wanda I asked if she could do me a favor. I asked her to buy Jane another journal. One almost exactly like the old one. She agreed. It only took her 30 minutes to get it and some ribbon and a card for me to write in. She tied a bow around the journal and helped me write the card. My hand writing had gotten worse since the incident so Ms. Wanda was my scribe. I told her exactly what to write,
"Your aunt and I wanted to get you a gift. This is your journal and you can write about whatever you want. No one will ever read it unless you want them to. Let me know if you ever want to read your old journal because I still have it. Matt."
"This is really sweet of you, Matthew." Ms. Wanda slid the card into its envelope and placed it between the bow and the journal.
"Just subtly trying to show her how much I care without being creepy."
"That's probably the best way to do it."
"I wish I could've done something more."
"Well, what happened exactly? No one has told me anything. And its not like we have anywhere to be."
"I wouldn't know where to start. I don't think Jane...or old Jane, would want me to tell you."
"Why?"
"It's her secret to tell."
"She can't remember what her secrets are or if there even are any."
"You can respect that though? I don't want to tell you something you may not be able to handle, or something that may come back and bite me in the ass, excuse my language. Sorry."
"I can respect that...I'm her guardian though. If there's a threat to her life, I, and the police, should know."
"I can't. I'm really sorry. Just know, that...I could've done more. I could've fought harder. I could've waited a little longer. And I didn't. And this is pretty much all my fault..." She gave me a terrifying look, "indirectly of course. I didn't physically harm her, but I could've helped her."
She nodded her head and sat down in the corner of the room next to Jane's new bed with new linens and pillows. The journal and card with a nicely tied bow had been placed on her fluffed pillow. Everything seemed perfect. Her aunt was there, a smart and capable guardian. Jane was out of her coma with no memory of Victor. Her emotional scars seemed to vanish, and soon her actual scars and bruises would disappear too. Except for the giant gash on her abdomen. She had no memory of the pain Victor and I had caused. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Was she as strong as the Jane from a month ago? Was she now open to a love that wouldn't hurt her like I had? My heart sank into my stomach and my nose started to sting. My love for Jane couldn't be questioned. But her love for me didn't exist anymore. It wouldn't be hard for her to forget an acquaintance like me. I wouldn't want her to read her old journal just to see if there is a chance that she'll remember everything. Did I even want her to remember everything? This is a chance for her to start over. I would be a monster if I didn't give that to her.
"Can you just make sure she gets that?"
"Sure...where are you going?"
"I don't think I'll be back for-" I wheeled myself around and pulled open the door. "I won't be back."
"Don't you want to see her when she comes back?"
"Tell her that I went into surgery or something."
"You want me to lie?"
"I need you to do me a favor. It'll be better for me. And her."
"If she asks for you what should I tell her?"
"She won't." I started rolled myself out of her room and as the door was closing I heard her call after me.
"What if she does? Matt? Matt!"