Those Who Fall

My eyes were still closed as I smelled laundry detergent. I opened my eyes and I had on one of Matt's long sleeved shirts and his sweatpants. The last thing I could remember was falling asleep to the loud bass thumping at Vic's party. Going from that, to wearing Matt's clothes was weird. I knew they were his because they smelled like him, I wasn't sure if they were clean but they didn't smell bad. It was quiet in his house so I sat up slowly, my head was throbbing. I put my hand on my forehead hoping that applying pressure would make something go away. My sight was blurry and watery. I blinked over and over trying to see better but only the water went away. I rubbed the gross crusties out of my eyes and started getting out of bed when I heard a creak on the floor outside of the door. I was sure that I was in another one of Vic's traps. I tried hiding under the bed but their wasn't any room so I hid under a blanket furthest from the door. I clenched the edges of the blanket in my hands and tried to slow my frightened breathing down. The door opened and I held my breath. I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. Someone was trying to pull the blanket off of me but I held on. I held onto the blanket for dear life until I heard his voice.

"Jane...let go."
I slowly let go of the blanket and showed my face. Matt sat down next to me and tried hugging me. At first I completely welcomed it. I hugged his neck as hard as I could but something in me just wanted to push him as far from myself as possible. I balled up my fist and placed it in the middle of his chest and pushed against him as hard as I could.

"don't..." I shook my head.
He didn't stop pulling me into his chest until my head was resting safely on his shoulder and his arms were linked at my side.
He didn't speak as every tear that I ever shed in Vic's presence showed themselves again. I wanted to let everything out but I wasn't sure if I could. All I had to say was,
"it's about time you saved me from that bastard."

He smiled, not his bright smile but a smile that lightened the mood. "It took me a while to fashion all those silver and wooden bullets to get rid of his henchmen."

"I dont care...I need to go home." There was nothing waiting for me at home but I was sure if I didn't get out of there fast Vic would pop out of somewhere like the couch or the toaster or something and kill us both. I pushed him away and stood up. Feeling woozy, I almost fell but he caught me. I shook him off and I grabbed the dress on the couch and headed for the door when a thought occured.

"did you...touch me?"

"what do you mean?"

"you took off my dress and then what? Had yourself a little fun?"

"I showed you my ring, I would never do that...Trust me." All of the sun was gone from his face, he looked especially exhausted but in that moment I didn't care. The bags under his eyes didn't matter. The fact that his hair wasn't purposefully messy, it was dull and looked like he hadn't washed it in a few days. I couple other thoughts occurred in that moment but I was accusing Matt of rape. I needed to reign it in because I was not in my right mind.

"stay away from me."

"Jane, don't let that asshole alter your view of me. You know how I feel, I would never take advantage of you." His eyes were glossy and his pupils looked like they were shaking. He probably hadn't got a good night's rest in a couple of months...maybe more.

"I...was hanging there-"

"And I got you out so we could be together. Not so I could hurt you. Please trust me."

I relaxed my face and asked, "when was the last time you've slept?" A tear rolled onto my lip and I licked it away.

"I got a couple hours sleep when I had you here, safe."

"A real night's sleep though."

"Probably....When we were sophomores."

"After Vic took me away?"

"Yea, probably. Why?"

"That was pretty close to a year ago. You're falling apart and so am I. It's best we..."

"Don't." His eye started to twitch so he closed them and placed his fingers on both of his eyelids.

"What?"

"I've been without you for this long."

"If I did this to you-"

"He did it. I've never had this reaction before. Not being with you has driven me crazy with anger and sadness."

I stood there for a few minutes, staggering backward to lean against the wall, ready to cry again.
"I'm sorry...all that has happened over the last 5 months...has scarred me...beyond recognition...I just want to go home... and sleep some more." I didn't know whether I should tell him that I had had three abortions over the last five months (he was a Christian and I had forgotten how they felt about that kind of thing) so I left that bit of information out. I looked over at the oven clock and it said 11:00 AM, it was a Saturday, my mother would probably be coming home from her Friday night partying. "Please take me home."

He grabbed his dad's car keys off the table. I wasn't sure if he'd gotten his license since we weren't together but the last time we were together he only had his permit. His dad was most likely sleeping from a late shift.
He helped me into the car and kissed my forehead before closing my door. On the drive home I couldn't help my eyes from looking at everyone we passed, hoping that Vic wasn't out looking for me.

"I killed him...no one will bother you anymore."

I didn't completely believe that I could live in peace, but it sounded good. I relaxed in the car and shut my eyes. Calmed by the vibration of the car whenever it stopped. I timed my breathing with his even though my breathing was faster. At red lights I'd open my eyes to see where we were and I'd catch him staring at me.

I hadn't noticed that I'd fallen asleep until I woke up slightly, without opening my eyes. He'd picked me up. I wrapped my arms around his neck I wanted him to carry me across the Earth but that wasn't going to happen. t kissed his neck and rested my head against his chest. I wanted to rebuild our relationship first. Starting with trust and honesty, I wanted to tell him everything that had happened but as he opened the unlocked door I heard the toilet in the bathroom flush, but the sink didn't turn on, I knew that it was my mother before she opened the door. And I knew that when my mother came back from partying on Saturdays she was almost always still high from that morning.

"put me down, put me down!" I kicked myself out of his arms. I wanted to shove him out of the door because I wasn't sure what was going to happen. She opened the bathroom door and headed straight for the knives. She pulled out the biggest knife. She held the knife like a machete, upright, like she was ready to swipe through some overgrown foliage. He dropped me on the couch and turned around. I hurried off the couch hitting my foot on the stupid coffee table where I saw a few lines of cocaine.

"you're the kid who thinks he can get away with raping my daughter! I'm sorry I didn't believe you Janie."

"Mom, no. It's not like that." I tried getting between them but she pushed me to the side. I had absolutely no strength, it wasn't like I normally had strength but I usually had a little more of it. I was trying so hard to get between them because I didn't want anyone else taking Matt away from me.

"Mrs. Richards, don't do this. I would never hurt your daughter." Matt said this as he was slowly trying to backup with my mom moving toward him. I tried grabbing the knife but she elbowed me away. I was nervous with her waving the knife around but I knew I had to get more confidence so I could get between them, I had been close to collapsing or close to getting hurt so badly that I made another attempt, not worrying about being impaled. After a last, quick attempt at getting between them she stabbed him in the torso. I wanted her to have stabbed me. I wished she would have stabbed me so much I stepped in front of her with my eyes closed waiting for the pain but it never came. She had gone around me to stab him. She ran back to get another knife when I grabbed the house phone and dialed 911. I crouched over Matt's body. The phone sounded in my ear as I held Matt's head. His eyes were open and his breathing was relatively normal but his blood was coming out like nobody's business.

"911 what's your emergency?"

"Someone has been stabbed in my house by my mother. I live at 224 Corey street in Arlindale- Matt, look at me, I'm getting help." I wanted to keep him from looking at the knife sticking out of him.

"An ambulance will arrive shortly."

I turned my head and saw my mom standing there with the second biggest knife in her hand.
Matt saw her too. He tried getting up using his hands first, moving them back to give him some leverage, the knife moved with him and when he bent his torso more blood came spilling out. I wasn't sure exactly what to do. I wished that I knew what to do because maybe I could have helped in someway other than being the panicked ex-girlfriend. He grabbed my wrist and I winced. I still had a bruise there. "Jane." he struggled to say my name as he was leaning back onto the ground slowly. I still had a grip on his head. He swallowed and tried again. "mov-" he started closing his eyes as he laid back down.

"Jane...step away." My mother demanded. I stood up ready to fight for him against anyone and anything.

"no! Mom, what're you doing? Put the knife down."

"how can you be like this? I'm doing this for you." She sounded just like Vic.

"I don't want this mom. This is Matt. Matt is nice, and sweet. He's a good guy. He would never hurt me." I turned around and saw that his eyes were closed. I bent down and softly hit his cheek. He opened his eyes slowly. "don't scare me like that-keep those eyes open." I tried smiling but my lips got partially stuck to my teeth so it was an awkward half smile.

"he's making you say this isn't he?"

"no! Just put the knife down." She slowly laid the knife on the counter. "thank you." I gave her a hug.
"now, get me a towel please." She hesitated but walked away. I put the knife in the sink and went back to sit beside Matt.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know where that ambulance is- but I'm sure it's going as fast-" While I was looking at him he was looking square at me too. I could tell he was in a lot of pain and I could only feel it in my chest. I didn't hear my mother go back to the kitchen and grab the knife from the sink but she jabbed it into his right side and I saw his chest rise and fall and his eyes look down to see what had happened. I wanted him to cry but he wouldn't. He had a high tolerance of pain and I'm sure he didn't want me to see him cry. All he could do was open his mouth and try closing his eyes. I leaped over Matt and wrestled her to the ground.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"he won't be able to hurt you anymore."

"what don't you understand? The part where I said that's not him? Or the part where I said THAT IS NOT HIM!"

Someone knocked on the door. "who is it?" I called.

"police!"

"it's unlocked, hurry up!" they brought in one of those rolling cots that carried bodies to the ambulance. I didn't hear what they were saying to each other but I was trying hard to hold my mother's arms down as I sat on her. They lifted his body and wheeled him away. I wanted to run after him and stay in the ambulance. After the police lifted me off of my mom, I ran after Matt. He was already in the truck. I asked one of the men what his condition was.

"it's highly unlikely he'll make it to surgery." Not even duct tape could hold me together when I heard those words.

The man went back to the truck and it drove off with the sirens blaring. I walked to the front door where I saw my mom being interrogated.

"- if I hadn't he was going to rape her again."

"you bitch!" I ran at her pushing her down to the ground. About to try and beat her up (which I had never done to anyone before. An abusive uncle had beaten me up before though. Terrifying experience.) Two cops pulled me off of her.

"what exactly happened-?"
"-Jane." I answered.
"what happened Jane?" one of the cops, the woman, took me aside, away from my mother. I processed that Matt was going to die. "Matt, the guy my mother just killed, was bringing me home. We entered the house and she came out of the bathroom and got a knife. Matt did nothing-" I broke out into sobs. That day was a perfect example of how gentle Matt was. "she stabbed him. I told her to put the next knife down and get a towel. She left, then came back and stabbed him again." I was basically holding back tears.

I followed behind as they handcuffed my mom and put her into their car. I sat beside her. I didn't speak a word to her. I knew I needed to be with my mom but the just-reunited-with-a-best-friend part of me wanted to be with Matt.
The next Saturday came around and we were all in court. I hadn't checked on Matt's condition since he'd left my house. But I wanted to.

Getting a lawyer and explaining all of my story (that was safe to tell) was a grueling process. It took a couple of weeks and then we had a hearing. I was prepped on what to answer and how to answer by my lawyer and my mom spent her time in a holding cell. My house was eerily quiet and I noticed how they'd taken the cocaine from the coffee table as evidence.

My mom pleaded not guilty but I knew that rehab would be good for her. My lawyer asked me why I am going against my mother in court.
I responded, "Because rehab will be good for her."

"and why is that?"

"because almost every time I see her she is drunk or under the influence of drugs."

"what is 'almost every time?"

"every couple of days."

"what is it that your mother was saying to you when all of this happened?"

"she said she was doing it for me and that he..." I didn't want to say it. Vic made me promise I would never tell anyone about...what he did to me. "that he would never rape me again."

"Did he rape you, ever?"

"no..."

"no further questions." she went to sit down but I stayed where I was. The other lawyer stood up and walked toward me. Because of the blurriness she looked the same as my lawyer but her voice was significantly higher.

"would you mind telling the jury who raped you?"

"yes I would."

"objection! Her question is irrelevant to the subject on trial."

"overruled." the judge said. "Ms. Richards, answer the question."

"no one..." I was under oath but I would rather be put in jail than be mercilessly killed.

"would you mind repeating that?" the obnoxious lawyer asked.

"no one."

"lying to your mother drove her over the edge. You lied to her, making her hurt that innocent boy."

"it was not my fault. Do not pin this on me, if my mom wasn't high she would NOT have killed him."

"Mrs. Richards in fact did not kill Matthew his condition is still under surveillance. Tell me, why then, was he in your house at the time?"

I sat there, quiet, hoping she would get bored and move along.

"answer the question" the lawyer asked.

"I passed out, so he took me home."

"no further questions."

She was a terrible lawyer if you ask me. She made it seem like I was just as coked up as my mother was. My mom had a few days before she had to go to jail for attempted murder, possession of drugs, and child endangerment and neglect, resulting in me being shipped across the country to my one and only family still alive that wasn't incarcerated. My aunt.