I'm Missing You Again

[Day 1]
"Oh my fucking God! No, no, you're not fucking serious! You can't be serious! Oh God! No, it's not possible, no…"

[Week 1]
"I'm sorry, I don't feel like I can do anything right now. I went out and bought my clothing the other night, so I think I'll just stay here with everyone else. Please don't worry about me mom, it's just this past week has been terrible. I don't think I could go out today anyway, because we have to get ready for tomorrow…"

[Week 1, day 1]
"He was the best son, brother, and friend anyone could ever ask for. Trust me, I've known Jimmy forever and I couldn't have asked for a better friend-or brother, really. Everyone loved him, and he loved everyone. Friends, family, fans, no matter who they were or where they came from. We'll miss him, a lot, but we know that he'll always be with us…"

[Week 3, day 5]
"No, I'll be ok, I've been doing fine. I just want to stay home today. No, tell dad that I'm fine, and staying over you guys' house isn't necessary. If you really want to you can stop by for a bit tonight…"

[Month 1]
"Wow…well things have been so different. But we know he wants us to keep rocking out, and the only way he wouldn't be smiling or laughing from wherever he is, is if we lost ourselves. As much as it hurts sometimes, we know we can't let it stop us at all. Gotta make him proud, y'know?"

[Month 3, week 2, day 4]
"You're getting out of bed later and later each day, practically doing anything, and you don't think anybody's going to worry? You know that we all will. Everyone's tried their hardest to continue living, and that means you have to try to. I know it's not easy for you, and I know it'll take you a while, but it's been a couple months. Please Kay, if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask. There are plenty of people who love you and are able to help you no matter what you need…"

[Month 4, week 1, day 1]
"C'mon Kaela, you said you'd come with me out around today. You can't back out now. The guys were also going to drop by my house later, and you need to get out of bed eventually. Don't you want to buy something nice and new for yourself? I can't remember the last time you bought yourself something. You haven't been out much…" Valary, or "Val" as everyone called her, walked into my room and crossed her arms, waiting for a response of some sort. I opened one eye, but closed it quickly.

"Val, I'm too tired. The guys should still go over, and I'll be there later tonight. And make sure Matt knows I'm sorry for stealing you away for random nights. You know I feel like shit when I do that. I just need to stay with someone sometimes. But really, if they're all planning on partying at your place tonight, let me rest up." I was mentally preparing myself for her reaction.

"No, you've been using that excuse for way too long. Kay," she sat on the edge of the bed, and I pushed my face further into my pillow in an attempt to hide my face, "you need to do something with your life again. I'm scared, and so is everyone else. We can all tell something is wrong, and, well, it's understandable. We all know that Jimmy-" his name made me close my eyes tighter in an attempt to block out the pain, "-was really important to you. We know you two had a different type of love shared between you two than the rest of us hard with him, but you and I both know that he would not be happy to see you like this at all. He doesn’t want to see you like this, because you know it's probably hurting him just as much." She rubbed my back in an attempt to be comforting, but I couldn't help but let a few tears soak into my pillow.

I bit my lip and kept my eyes closed tight. My heart started to beat faster with anxiety as memories flooded through my mind. I tried to ignore them as well as I could, but the mental photographs were so crystal clear that I could not avoid in the slightest. She continued to rub my back, but I stayed silent for a bit, trying to calm myself down and stop my thoughts.

"Val," I choked out, "I don't know what to do. I've tried, I swear, but I've never been this down before in my whole life. It's like a whole new level of hurt that I've been stuck at for the past few months. Give me a few days, and I'd usually be ok with certain things. But this…this is…I don't know. I've tried, honest, I've tried anything and everything to help me get past this, but I just can't let go and I don't know why I can't. He was so much, and I can't-" I couldn't finish. It was impossible for me not to break out into a crying fit, but I tried so hard not to. Val quickly took me into her arms and held me tightly in her arms.

It seems like I sat there forever, crying uncontrollably with tears coming fast and soaking her shoulder. Eventually I was able to control myself, and pulled away. Even though a bit of time had passed, I still couldn't believe Jimmy was gone. He was a huge part of my life; a part that was snatched away from me before I had the time to blink.

She got up, and spoke quietly, "I'd really feel better if you spent the day out with me at this point. Otherwise, I'm just going to stay here, I'm not going to leave you alone." I sighed heavily.

"Alright. Just give me a few minutes to get ready and stuff. It'd make him happy…wouldn't it?" My smile was full and fake, but also slightly confused. On the inside I was still raw and torn apart. Val smiled in response however, "Ok, hurry up!"

I hated getting up out of the comfort of the bed. It felt so much better to be bundled up underneath those big covers because then I could at least try to lose myself in them. Half of me hated her for making me get up, but the other half was thankful. After he died, I had debated moving back in with my parents. It was too lonely for my own good, but then again I figured that moving in with my parents was a terrible idea. They would end up worrying too much over me, and I wouldn't put them through that. So I asked Val if she would be ok with coming over random days when I needed someone in this house with me. She even offered for me to stay with her for a bit, but I didn't do that so often if Matt was there, just because it was their time that they got to spend together and I already felt like I was intruding on it. She never minded, of course, she was a sweetheart, and others thought it was in my best interest as well. I knew my parents were somewhat keeping tabs on me, but I didn't want them to know how I really was. It was too much for them.

But as I walked over to my closet, I passed my mirror, and stopped to study my face. Puffy red eyes from crying so hard, along with a bright red nose did not make me feel any better. My hair was a matted mess of chocolate brown strands, but I didn't feel like fixing it right now. I looked like hell, and I sure felt like it as well.

I shook my head and walked away, not wanting to get anymore upset. I pulled a random shirt and pair of jeans from the closet, but even as I was getting ready, I couldn't shake the thoughts from my head. I jammed my legs into my jeans, frustrated. I could not cry again. I would not cry again. I can't think again. Not about him.

It seemed the more I tried not to think about him, the more I did end up thinking about him. I couldn't help but think of all the fun times we had, all the interesting times we had, and how much I missed all that. I missed being able to wake up and see him next to me on the lazy mornings after some "interesting" nights. I missed actually making breakfast, and making him do the dishes after. I even missed just sitting on the couch, trying hard to figure out what it was we could do, even though we would barely ever figure it out and end up wasting our day away just watching TV. Most importantly, I missed having someone always there for me no matter what, and I missed everything about him.

"Fuck…" I mumbled before letting the tears stream down my face once again. However this time, I cried into one of my hoodies to muffle the sound, and let myself fall to pieces on the floor.