I'm Missing You Again

[2 Months, 3 weeks, 5 days ago]
"Fuck! Kay, what the hell is going on, what the fuck did you do!" I spun around, my head continued to spin even after I stopped. Johnny was standing in the doorway, looking down at my bloody arms.
"Johnny, Johnny, what are you doing in here, I'm fine, go away." I slurred, attempting to push him out of the doorway. He grabbed my wrists, but then took my upper arms to get a better, tighter grip. I struggle with his grip, and started to kick out too.
"Let me fucking go, dammit! I'm ok, you weren't supposed to see this."
"The door was unlocked, I needed the bathroom! We're in Matt and Val's house, what the fuck are you thinking?" He hissed, pushing himself into the bathroom and locking the door. I shook my head and felt tears starting to fall. What was I thinking? Was I thinking at all? Did I even care? Those questions scared me the most.
I pulled away from him, "I don't know! I don't know what's going on, I can't stop thinking, I can't stop remembering, and I need to do this. I've been doing this, I need it. I need to forget, Johnny, there's no other way. When I do this, I black out, my mind stops working, and I need that now. Nothing's right, I look around, and I look for Jimmy, waiting for him to show up with a beer bottle in hand. I wake up in the mornings, and look to my side, hoping he'll be there. He's always on my mind, and it fucking hurts, and I can't take it. I couldn't take it tonight, and I couldn't wait to get home to do this, please understand I need to do this! I don't give a fuck what happens to me, I just want to feel whole again; I want to fucking feel less empty." He just stared at me as I quickly rambled on about everything. He probably didn't understand me; the combination of slurred words and sobs would have made it hard for anyone to comprehend.
"Dammit, Kay, you can't do this! It's the wrong way to deal with it, and you know it. What if you die, what if you died tonight? Would you really want to bring that on everyone? Jimmy's gone, it's fucked, but do you really want to add yourself onto that? We're all here to help, we're here to help each other, and heal together. We're a family, and nobody gets left behind in this family."
"But I just can't, I can't-"
"Stop saying that. You'll be ok. We're all here for you. We all hurt."
After a few moments of silence, I spoke again, "I wasn't going to kill myself."
"I'm glad to hear that, but I still don't approve of it at all. Nobody would." He emphasized the last statement.
"I'm sorry, I'll...I'll try to stop. I just, I'm so confused, and I don't know what to do."
"It's alright. I know. Just clean yourself up; you need to bandage that too." I nodded, wiping my eyes. I fumbled with things while searching for something to clean the shallow cuts with, until Johnny just told me to wash everything up in the sink, and he'd bandage it as well as he could.
"I'm sorry..." I didn't even know what the extent of my apology was.
"Just don't fucking do it again..." he mumbled, finishing up the wrap. I started to tear up again, and he held out his arms, waiting for a hug. I buried my face in my chest in an attempt to stifle my sobs, and he held me tightly. I couldn't promise him I'd stop completely, but I knew that it was impossible to ever rely on the razor to take away my pain again.
"Alright, let's go back out there. Don't forget to put your hoodie back on."
I nodded, wiping my eyes again, and followed him out the door back to the party, "Thanks. You helped more than you think."
"Anytime Kay, anytime."