Let Me In

Long fingers drumming on the steering wheel, Brian sat in his car knowing that he was going to have to make his move eventually. He hadn't been home in five days, and during that time, he had found himself constantly mulling over the situation he had got himself into when it came to his relationship with Clayre. She had left a string of messages on his phone, telling him that he need not bother coming back until he was ready to apologize for walking out on her. Unfortunately for Clayre, Brian had reached a decision that the next time he walked through his front door, "I'm sorry" were not going to be the words she would hear. If he was completely honest, he had known that the moment he had walked out the door last week, he had been merely putting off the inevitable. 

Running a hand through his black hair, Brian got out of the car, and still dressed in the navy short sleeved shirt and pants that were his work uniform, strode up the path that led to the front door. Turning the handle, Brian stepped inside, the low murmur of the television in the living room greeting his ears. Folding his arms over his chest, Brian leaned against the door frame, watching Clayre where she lay on the couch watching television. Eyeing the comforter, tissues strewn over the floor and empty candy wrappers that were scattered on the coffee table, Brian figured it would be fair to assume that Clayre had milked their argument for all it was worth and had not even attempted to return to work.

Clearing his throat to attract her attention, Brian stood a little straighter, preparing himself for the onslaught.Turning her tear stained face in his direction, blond hair matted to the side of her head, Clayre's blue eyes met his brown, a small weak smile slowly starting to appear. Sitting up slowly, Clayre stood up from the couch, almost tripping over her feet in her haste to reach him. Brian steadied himself as she threw herself at him, causing him to lose his balance somewhat. 

"I knew you'd see sense," she sobbed into his chest.

Afraid of giving off the wrong impression if he embraced her, Brian took hold of Clayre's arms and slowly eased her away from him. 

"Clayre, I'm not here to...."

"I told mom yesterday on the phone that all you needed was a few days to think about things, gain a little perspective and that eventually you would come home and apologize," Clayre gushed, completely ignoring the fact that Brian was trying to speak. 

"I know that we can sort this out sweetie, it's simply a case of you learning to give and take a little that's all," she continued, taking his hands in hers.

Brian shook his head with a deep sigh.

"Clayre, all I ever do is give, whilst you take," he stated firmly. "I work my ass off, putting in overtime when I can so that I can keep a roof over our heads, food on our table and let you have whatever your heart desires, whilst you spend a few hours a week behind a desk filing your nails and booking appointments. I get no thanks, no appreciation, all I get is fucking earache about how I'm not doing things right."

Taking a step back from him, Clayre eyed Brian suspiciously, as though she wasn't quite grasping where he was going with this conversation.

"If that's your way of saying sorry, I think you need some lessons in how to apologize!" Clayre snapped, dropping his hands.

"That's just it Clayre, I'm not here to apologize," Brian told her softly, placing his hands in his pockets. "I can't do this..."

"Oh! Here we go! The 'I can't do this anymore' speech!" Clayre cried. "And just how many damn times have we heard this Brian?"

Brian looked down at her, an overwhelming sense of guilt washing over him, knowing that she was right. This wasn't the first time, it was something both of them had said in the past, Brian more so than Clayre. And each time, Brian knew that the words lost any kind of depth, because each time, both of them knew that whoever had said them would be eating those words at some point in the not to distant future. However, there was one thing he was very certain of this time round, it was going to be the last time he ever uttered those words to her.

"There's no going back this time," he murmured.

"Oh please Brian! I give you two weeks and you'll be knocking on that front door, begging to come back!"

Brian shook his head once more as he continued to look down at her.

"No Clayre, I really won't. I came to realize when we were in Mexico that everything's changed. How I see you, how I feel about you, how you fit into the scheme of things when it comes to what I want out of life," he explained. "And the bottom line is, I don't love you anymore, and as wrong as it was, the only reason I caved and came back last time was because I knew that it would be easier than starting out all over again. It's not something I'm proud of, but I have to be honest with you, to make you see that this is over, and there's nothing left to salvage or hold on to."

Watching as Clayre's face contorted with a mixture of anger and disbelief, Brian realized that he didn't feel it tugging away at his heart as it had done in the past. He had made the right decision.

"I'm going to go pack some more of my stuff. You can stay here til you can find somewhere else to live, but seeings as my name is the one on the lease and I have a few more months left on it, I will want to come back," Brian told her firmly. "I'm going to see if I can stay at dad's for a bit," he added turning to make for the stairs.

"You'll regret this Brian!" Clayre yelled after him.

Not wanting to get into it any deeper, Brian continued on his way, letting her words fall on deaf ears.

**********

Balancing carefully, Beth stood on the stepladder, trying her best to get the poster to hang right. Mr. Haner had agreed to advertise shows for local bands, and whilst he was in the office making some calls, Beth had offered to get the posters up on the walls around the store. The store was quiet, and she was finding that she needed something to do to try and keep her thoughts on something other than the situation at home. Ever since Colby had called on Saturday evening, Nate had been having problems sleeping, and his behavior had slipped a few notches. Beth was exhausted, but she knew that she had to endeavor to keep their everyday life as normal as possible and not give into him.

Adjusting her position slightly, Beth leaned forward a little, taking the pin that she held between her teeth to attach it to the poster.

"Dad around?"

"Shit!" Beth cried, losing her footing on the rung and slipping, only to find herself cradled in a pair of well built, color adorned arms. Looking up, a pair of warm brown eyes that swam with concern met hers.

"Fuck! I'm sorry....are you okay?" Brian asked. "I thought you may have heard me come in."

"No, I was wrapped up in what I was doing," Beth replied softly, trying to steady her breathing. 

Brian just nodded, still cradling her in his arms as he gazed down at her. 

"Always the hero huh?" Beth managed to joke, her fingers lightly running down the sleeve of his shirt.

His face shaded with a slight hue of pink, Brian gave a nervous chuckle, eventually helping Beth back onto her feet. An awkward silence fell between them, neither quite sure of what to say after the brief closeness they had experienced. Beth sensed that there was something weighing on Brian's mind, and even though she hadn't spoken to or seen him since Saturday, she felt compelled to discover what was troubling him.

"Brian? Everything okay?" she inquired, her voice calm and soothing.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Brian seemed to be contemplating just what to say. Raising his eyes from where they had been concentrating on an unidentified spot on the floor, Brian gave an undecided shrug.

"I broke up with Clayre today," he admitted quietly.

"Oh Brian, I'm so sorry."

Beth instinctively reached out, laying her had on his arm, rubbing it slowly in an effort to console him.

"No! Believe me, it was necessary, it's a good thing. I just feel...fuck, I don't even know how I'm feeling. Relieved, unburdened...guilty....it's just weird."

"Guilty?" Beth questioned.

"Yeah, I should never have gotten back together with her after the last time we split. It's what we do, keep going back and forth between each other, and whilst I knew it wasn't healthy, I ignored it and went against my better judgement. It was as though I was on a piece of elastic, and just kept bouncing back to her," Brian explained, feeling like the world's biggest asshole right then as he listened to his own words. 

"Has the elastic finally snapped?"

Brian's mouth finally curved into a half smile.

"Yeah, and I've actually told her that this time."

"Well, then you should let go of that guilt, because at least now she's not living under any false hope that you'll be going back," Beth told him sincerely. 

Looking at her watch, Beth cursed lightly. She had to leave and collect Nate. She wanted to talk to him more, because standing in front of her was a man that appeared to have a great deal he wanted to get off his chest. Beth wasn't entirely sure why she felt the need to be Brian's shoulder. She barely knew him, but she had found he had been on her mind more than once since they had spoken on Saturday. Not that she minded, it had been a welcome relief from everything else that she had been turning over in her head.

"I have to go, but if you ever feel the need to talk, get a female's perspective rather than the'dude, just go get laid' male aspect of things, well...you know where to find me," Beth offered with a smile, indicating to the store.

With a hearty chuckle, Brian smirked.

"I'll remember that," he answered.

"I'll let your dad know you're here," Beth added, walking away, unaware that Brian watched her every move.

Twenty minutes later, Beth arrived in Orange, pretty certain that she had broken a traffic violation or two along the way to ensure that she wasn't late. Striding quickly into the building in front of her, Beth went to head down a corridor, only to hear her name being called. Turning round, she smiled warmly at the older woman who approached her.

"Hey Meredith," she greeted, her tone somewhat resigned. "I'm going to gather today hasn't been a good day," she stated.

A sympathetic smile formed on Meredith's lips.

"He's been somewhat of a handful, mainly after lunch. We wanted to get some art done, which as you know is usually something he is more than willing to participate in, but today he decided that wasn't happening and had the mother of all tantrums."

Beth exhaled deeply, feeling a swell of anger begin to rise up within her. She knew that she should never try and make excuses or lay the blame with someone else for Nate's tantrums, but the reality of the situation was that ever since Colby had called and acted like an ass, demanding that his son speak to him, Nate had been acting out more than he ever had. It wasn't an easy task to try and coax from her son just what was eating away inside of him, what fears he was suppressing, which is why Beth had always encouraged his love of art. More than once she had been able to figure out just what was going on inside his mind when he was going through a stage of clamming up and not expressing himself with words. 

"Oh god," she murmured. "I'm so sorry."

"Beth, forget the apologies, situations like that are what we're trained for. It's just a shame that his father calling has caused this setback, because Nate's really started to settle in and make great progress," Meredith assured her. "C'mon, we left him the lunch room with Tim, rearranging the chairs in his usual perfect manner." 

Following Meredith to the lunch room, Beth grinned when she saw her son lining all the chairs neatly in rows. With a brief wave to Tim, Beth walked over to where Nate stood, and ruffled his hair. 

"Hey buddy, that's some pretty neat rows you got going on there," she complimented. "However, you can finish them off tomorrow, because we need to get your cute butt outta here, it's Wednesday, and we're having dinner with Grammy and Grumpy."

"No," Nate replied firmly.

"Yes mister. I know you've had a tough few days, but you've known about this all week, it's something we do every Wednesday," Beth told him sternly.

"No no no no no!" 

Knowing that she was going to have to take him, even if it meant he was kicking and screaming, Beth took hold of Nate's hand and began to lead him out of the room. Ignoring his repetitive cries of 'no', Beth walked with purpose, her son trailing behind, his feet lashing out at the backs of her legs. Once outside, Beth tried her best to keep a hold of him until she could get the car door open, all the while trying to not react to the blows he was delivering to her body.

"Hey lady, you might wanna keep your brat under a bit more control there."

Beth's head whipped round to face the person who felt it wise to comment on her slight predicament. Eyeing the older gentleman angrily, Beth felt her usual good nature snap.

"He's not a brat, he's autistic dumbass!"