I Am

Someone wise once told me, ‘We have all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the power we choose to action. That’s who we really are.’ I lived on his words, as a motto and a guide to life. They were helpful on many occasions, especially when I was doubted by everyone else, denied by all. I had nothing to hold on but the words given.

Against all odds, as an outcast and a sinner just because my parents were criminals, I was able to fight my way through the tournament, and was an opponent away from rejoining the society, as a part of the member. After all this time, my wish was heard and my dreams achieved. Well, almost.

Sometimes I wondered was it a blessing to enter the tournament, or was it a curse? It had provided a chance for me to become normal, something that seemed impossible to me, yet if there wasn’t prejustice against children like me, the tournament wouldn’t be needed. I supposed my wish was probably the most mundane among all the contestants. Some hoped for riches, nobility, to marry the prince or princess, or sheer fame and glory. No one ever suspected a street rat like me could reach the last stage, or make it into the competition to begin with. I would be the first, and hopefully set an example and message to those who, like me, disregarded and abandoned people who only wanted to be treated as an equal.

Tomorrow was the last day of battle, and I would have gained my freedom by then. I stood alone in the middle of the meadow, overlooking the evergreen field. The wind brushed the land softly, as if it was afraid it would break upon the slightest pressure. Fresh air hit my face gently, cooing like a mother to her child. It soothed my body, but not my mind, entangled with thoughts and doubts about tomorrow.

Who was I kidding? How could I even hope to defeat her?

Her name was Jane, and she was a legend. She was never defeated, not once, not ever. Call it a miracle if you would, she was really astounding. I had never seen her fight before, but from what I had heard from the rumors, (her status had proved it was more than just rumors,) she was invincible in the battlefield, no challenger survived. Normally, the battle was not to the death. That was an option, though it was rare, except for Jane. She managed to kill every single opponent in her unbreakable record.

‘You would never guess a girl like her---small and petite with big round eyes and straight brown hair---could ever lift a weapon, let alone being the champion of the tournament.’ I was jealous when they commented on her. People never looked at me in this way. Why? Was it because I was criminals’ daughter, and Jane was in a noble’s family? What made her different from me? I was a girl too. Heck, I was no older than Jane by, what, one or two years only. Or was it the difference between her straight hair and my curly dirty blond hair? Why couldn’t I be the delicate flower? Why was she so special? Why?...

I approached the bridge, hoping to find some peace by being alone. It was a rare day with nice weather; I shouldn’t waste it by staying inside. However, fate seemed to disagree with me today. The first thing I noticed upon reaching my destination was that it was already occupied by someone else.

A girl was sitting on the edge of the bridge, leaning over. Her long hair covered her face, so I couldn’t see her clearly. By looking at her figure, I’d estimate she was around the same age as I was, perhaps a little younger. Her body was lean, soft and petite, different from my rather muscular one. Someone rich’s daughter, I guessed, judging by the clothes she wore. No one should be able to afford a dress here, we were far too poor. But why would someone like her wandered here?

‘Who are you?’

The girl looked up in surprise, shocked by me presence, her chocolate eyes widened. She tried to stand up, to flee perhaps, but I stopped her by placing my hand on her shoulder, holding her in place. Yup, definitely a girl from a rich family; her reactions were slow and clumsy, neither skilled nor trained for the matter.

‘Wait, I’m not going to hurt you.’

She looked up at me with her tear-filled eyes, like a kicked puppy begging its master for mercy. ‘You’re not?’ she whispered. ‘I thought you were going to kidnap or kill me like the rest. How can I trust you?’

I had no answer for her question. I had nothing to prove that I wasn’t going to bring her harm. Not only I had no proof, I was also criminals’ daughter. She should be scared of me if anything.

‘I don’t know,’ I said, admitting the truth. ‘Then don’t trust me. Run.’

I sat down next to her, breathing in the fresh air, tilting me head back toward the azure skies. I closed my eyes, giving no attention to the child who was still by my side, and enjoyed myself, even if it was only briefly.

The silence was welcoming, soothing and calming. Nothing was shared between the two of us. We sat for the entire time, minding our own business. The girl slowly grew less tense, fading into relaxation like me.

‘Why are you here, miss?’

‘To relax, of course,’ I sighed, content with the moment. ‘To take a break from everything.’

‘Everything?’ She asked innocently.

I opened my eyes and turned to her. She was blinking at me, genuinely curious about what I meant by ‘everything’. Should I tell her? A little girl such as her, who had never face anything like I had, shouldn’t be bothered by the cruelty of the world. Reality would be too harsh for her.

‘Just some…troubles. It’s nothing to be worried about,’ I petted her head, smiling for once. ‘It’s just some difficulties I have to face.’

She blinked twice more before turning her gaze to the stream below, kicking her legs, probably out of boredom. She gave me no response, but what did I expect? It was only normal for her to say nothing. Maybe she didn’t want to know after all.

I took yet another deep breath, thinking about the fight tomorrow. What should I do? It wasn’t merely winning or losing, but a life and death situation. It was either option one, or two, there was no option three, no way to escape from it.

‘Hey, miss.’

‘Yes?’ I gave her my attention, distracted from the web of thoughts in my head. I supposed it could do me some good by not thinking about it.

The girl fished for something from her pocket. I raised my eyebrow as she continued. I had no idea a pocket could be so deep…Finally, she took out an origami bird, and handed it to me. I held it in my hands with a questioning look.

‘It can make your wish come true,’ she smiled at me, beaming with the radiance of the sun. ‘You can wish that you’re trouble-free.’

I chuckled. Her innocence was simply adorable. What I would give to have the innocence of a child. I was forced to grow up in this world, mercilessly. ‘Thank you.’

Her smile expanded to the edge of her face. ‘You’re very welcome, miss!’

‘What is your name?’ I asked her, hoping I would one day see her again.

‘Jane.’ She replied, grinning widely.

If I wasn’t already sitting, I would have fallen on my knees. This little girl, the cute kid, was Jane? Impossible. She couldn’t be the killer I’d heard so much of. This time, it was my turn to widen my eyes.

‘Jane, as in Jane to gladiator?’ I stood up immediately, backing away from her.

She pouted. ‘You’ve heard that rumor?’ She looked at me with sad eyes. ‘Yes. Yes, I am.’

I reached for the dagger hidden under my skirt, and brought it to her face. She gasped, and tried to get on her feet. I pushed her down, aiming the dagger at her neck. It all happened so fast, she didn’t know how to react.

‘You said you won’t hurt me,’ Jane accused me after she could react.

I narrowed my eyes. ‘That was before I knew who you are.’

‘Why does it matter?’

‘Because,’ I grabbed the collar of her shirt, pulling her towards me. ‘I am your opponent tomorrow.’

‘What?’ She breathed.

‘My name is Sally, and I am the street rat everyone is talking about.’

I stared at her horror-stricken face, feeling waves of guilt washed over me. She looked defenseless, helpless against the world outside. Could I be wrong? I shook the thought out of my head. She admitted her was Jane, didn’t she. Her brown eyes were wide with fright, rimmed with crystal tears. Curled into a fatal position, she was shaking like a dying leaf in fall. Sunlight reflected on her porcelain skin and my silver dagger, urging me to thrust it into the girl.

Could I do it? No, the real question was would I do it?

I had made my decision.

I raised my weapon, took aim, and slammed it down. Of course I didn’t miss. It was impossible to with the distance between us.

A cloud passed by the sun, blocking it, and bringing forth the shadows to the land. I turned on my heels, walking away from the scene. What I needed now, was to forget this and focus on my path to freedom instead.

I had miscalculated.

Running, jumping, and evading the weapons thrown in my direction were the things I had been doing for the past hour. Despite the trainings I had, my body was starting to fail me as it gave up to fatigue. Shades covered the walls, painted them solid black. Darkness descended, cloaking all in its mystifying glory. I felt the pressure upon me, choking me.

Left, right, jump, duck…I was on auto-pilot. I didn’t need to give instructions to my body, nor did I need a map to know where I was going. My legs led me to the familiar corners, memorized streets. I didn’t need to recognize them, I only needed to know.

And I knew at some point, there was a dead end.

I winced when an arrow drew blood on my arm, marking an additional cut on my arm. The arrow must be dipped in poison, no doubt. I could already feel the numbing effect. I started to lose my sense, as if I had lost my whole arm.

I tripped, luckily dodging two soaring arrows. I jumped on my feet, and resumed running. I had no idea what came over me. At first, I started hallucinating, so I ran, trying to escape, despite I knew I couldn’t. After the illusions had faded away, I was already running for my life, and my body was sore as hell.

Skidding to a halt, I had ultimately reached a dead end. I had anticipated it since the very beginning, but that didn’t mean I was prepared for it. I didn’t want to die. I still had to get my freedom I deserved.

I spun around, ready to attack my enemy. I dashed as soon as I saw a silhouette by the end of the alley, my fist raised, shouting incoherent words. The person stood still and made no attempt to move.

Sudden pain struck me, paralyzing me body. I fell to the ground, my face against the soil. I moaned in pain, rolling on my back. I sucked in a mouth full of air, hoping it would cease the pain. A shadow loomed over me. I saw amusement in the deep set of eyes.

I coughed out blood as a foot was stepped on my chest, though it wasn’t strong enough to break any bones. Glaring, I lifted my hand weakly, trying to slap away the feet. It only made the person added force. I cried out in agony.

‘…You coward,’ I panted. ‘You poisoned my drink.’

All I received was a nonchalant shrug. I felt something sharp crossed my neck gently, drawing a thin line of blood. It was something shiny, something familiar…

My dagger.

‘As long as I can win the battle, I don’t really care,’ Jane said.

‘No wonder you can always win, you slimy witch.’

I screamed as she stabbed my left shoulder with the dagger.

How ironic, I was going to die because of the weapon that had saved my life countless times.

‘No one will break my record. I will be the unbeatable.’

Sparks danced before my eyes, blocking my vision. The scene was getting darker with every passing second. I knew time was up for me.

‘It’s a shame I didn’t kill you yesterday.’

‘And let you win and have the wish to be free? No,’ she smirked. ‘Nobody wants a street rat like you wandering in our streets. You criminal.’

I crushed the origami bird in my hand, and closed my eyes. The end was quick and peaceful. I welcomed the void with open arms, embracing the end.

There was nothing, nothing at all.

But at least, I had made the right choice, and that was what made me the person I was.