Love Letters

The next morning, I went out of my way to avoid Trey because I knew things were going to be awkward. I sat at the breakfast table with Pax before school, eating and basically staying completely silent. After so long, he kicked me in the shin and I grunted.

“That was not cool,” I grumbled.

“So are we going to talk about last night?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I paused. “What are you talking about?” I questioned, playing dumb.

“The kiss,” he answered. My eyes went wide and I covered my mouth.

“Oh God. Did I—”

“No, relax. You didn’t accidentally kiss me,” he said, laughing at the expression on my face. “I just happened to pass by the bathroom and saw the two of you going at it. What the hell was that about? Did you finally decide to tell him your feelings and now you two are dating? Because if that’s the case, you may not want to let my mom know. She’d be too paranoid and probably kick you out.”

“No, it’s not like that,” I objected and leaned forward. “If I tell you this, you have to promise not to say anything to anyone.”

“All right.”

“A few weeks ago, I was dared to kiss him so that’s all it was but you can’t tell Trey that,” I said. “He’d kill me for it and think it was all some kind of joke. I played it off as an accident but that’s all I want him to be aware of. In his eyes, that’s exactly what it was.”

“So you two aren’t dating?”

“No. He doesn’t even know I have feelings for him yet,” I replied.

“Well aren’t you productive,” he said sarcastically. “I can only imagine how uncomfortable you must feel right now. He’s going to step into the kitchen any minute now.”

“Which is exactly why you can’t say anything, and act like you don’t know what happened,” I said, tapping the table with my pointer finger. He nodded.

“You’ve got it.”

“Hey guys,” Trey said, walking in and ruffling my hair like usual. I was confused, and clearly so was Pax. He cocked a brow, asking me why Trey seemed so unaffected by it. “Did mom leave already?”

“Uhm . . . yeah, I think so,” Pax said, shooting me a look of bewilderment when Trey wasn’t looking and was hidden behind the refrigerator door to find something for breakfast. I shrugged, also baffled.

“Hey Karlee, you’re going to the dance tonight right?” Trey asked and I nodded. “Well Cody’s going too and he’ll be looking for you. I think he wants to ask you out.” He gave me a teasing wink and put a slice of bread in the toaster. I was questioning my own sanity right now. Did I even kiss him last night or had I just dreamt it all?

“I’m not interested,” I finally managed to say. “But tell him thanks anyway.”

“All right. Where’s the peanut butter?” Trey looked around and Pax picked the container off the table, tossing it to him. “Thanks.”

“Any time,” he answered and put out his arms at me, mouthing “what the hell?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered. Trey walked around the kitchen for another five minutes, eating his breakfast and having casual conversation with us and he somehow managed to look me directly in the eye without even flinching from the memory of last night. Me, on the other hand; I had some major trouble with it. When Pax was finished, he got up from the table, tossed his bowl in the sink and headed for the door but hit me on the shoulder on his way out and pointed to Trey’s back.

“Talk to him,” he said quietly and went to get his coat. I stood up and smoothed my shirt out, tapping Trey on the shoulder. He turned around to face me and smiled.

“What’s up?” he asked, his hands on his hips.

“I think we need to talk about last night,” I said. He tilted his head like he didn’t know what I was talking about. “You know . . . the kiss.”

He simply shrugged. “What’s there to talk about? You said so yourself that it was an accident. I mean, it’s not like it meant anything.”

I blinked. “What?”

“Well it didn’t mean anything to me. Did it mean anything to you?”

My mouth opened and closed repeatedly as I tried to form a sentence. “No,” I lied.

“Good, then that’s that,” he said and walked away, leaving me standing there in the kitchen by myself with my mouth wide open.

So much for being in love with me.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Whoa! You actually did it?” Roxy gasped, slamming her hands down on the table.

“I can’t believe you kissed him!” Andy exclaimed. It was shocking enough to notice that they were sitting beside each other and actually getting along when I came into the cafeteria during lunch on Friday, but even more surprising when I found out that their now-renewed friendship was solely based on the fact that they both thought Trey and I deserved each other. And now, I was stuck talking about it with them because Pax had decided to text Andy and let her know what had happened.

“Does that mean that you two are dating now?” Roxy asked, leaning forward. “Now that the dare is over and all, you should really ask him out.”

“What dare?” Andy asked, staring at me.

“Nothing,” I said quickly and she actually didn’t bother to ask again. “And no, we’re not dating. I told him it was an accident. I did not want to have that conversation before I went to bed.”

“Have what conversation?” Trey asked, sitting down next to Andy, who looked at him and then me with her eyes wide.

“Uhm, Karlee’s dad called before she went to bed and asked her if she was coming home after school today,” Roxy said, folding her arms on the table in front of her and trying to look as calm as possible.

Trey raised his eyebrows at me. “But didn’t you say you already clarified that with him on your way home?”

“He wanted to make sure,” I lied and shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

My cell phone buzzed in my pocket and I took it out.

Why the hell is he acting like nothing happened?! Andy had texted.

I have no idea, I sent back and then when it buzzed not even two seconds later to let me know that someone was calling, I accepted the call and held the phone to my ear.

“Hey!” Christabelle exclaimed on the other end. “Where the hell are you? Aren’t you aware that you’re supposed to come visit your sister when she’s been hospitalized? Dumbass, get your butt over here.”

I smiled. “I guess Blade didn’t tell you that I was there when you woke up,” I said. “I couldn’t stay. I had some things to do but I’ll come visit you before the dance tonight. And I have school, remember?”

“Well what did I miss when I was out? Blade said something about you and your friend Trey but I can’t really remember what it was,” she pondered. “Is there something you need to talk to me about?” I glanced at Trey who was engrossed in a conversation with Andy and eating his lunch so I excused myself and walked into the hallway. I wasn’t so stupid as to talk about him while he was right beside me.

“There’s actually a lot I need to tell you,” I said and went on a long explanation including leaving the house for the week, Ruby cheating on Trey and the video tape with Dalton’s real feelings, and everything in between that had happened between me and Trey, counting the kiss. When I was finished my story—as well as being interrupted by Chris’s little gasps and remarks about how she always expected it to happen—I let out a deep breath. “You know, I really could have used you around this week. I hope you’re feeling better.”

She guffawed. “Don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine. What about you though? What are you going to do about Trey? Do you like him?”

“Yeah.” I crossed my arms over my chest and let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. “And I have no idea what to do. Pax wants me to tell him how I feel but this morning, Trey acted like nothing had happened and when I told him I wanted to talk about it, he said that it didn’t mean anything so there wouldn’t be a point in it. I don’t know, am I being completely irrational? Should I tell him?”

“Well seeing as I’m lying on my deathbed,” she joked, “I can’t meet up with you in person to talk about it, which I would much rather prefer because over the phone is just stupid for something like this. Although, I do have one suggestion; there are only two other people in the universe that think the exact same way as me. We might as well share a brain so I’m sending them in.”

I frowned. “Who?”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“So Chris tells us that you like your best friend,” Marcy said, crossing her legs on the couch, pushing her red hair over her shoulder and taking a sip of her cappuccino. They had decided to take me out to lunch at a small bistro downtown and promised to get me back in time for class. “I always love stories like that. They’re so adorable!”

“Tell us about him,” Kayti said, smiling and putting her cheek in her hand on the arm rest.

“Well,” I started, clearing my throat. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure telling them everything about Trey would be the smartest idea considering Trey’s cousin was their friend David and if they still talked regularly, then they might let something about this slip out. I didn’t want Trey to find out what I was feeling if it wouldn’t mean a thing to him. “He’s been my best friend since kindergarten so we’ve known each other for almost twelve years but I’ve considered him to be my brother for about ten of those. And I just realized a few days ago that it’s not that simple because I’ve liked him on more than one occasion but I just never knew that wasn’t normal until my friend Andy told me that it’s not. And this guy’s brother, Pax said that he’s practically in love with me but—”

“Wait a second. Pax,” Marcy said, snapping her fingers repeatedly. She looked at Kayti. “Where have I heard that name before?”

Kayti sat up straighter, leaned closer to us. “That’s David’s cousin, isn’t it?”

“Right! So if Pax is his brother,” Marcy said and turned back to me with a big smile. “You like Trey?”

I blushed. “You figured that out really fast.”

“I’m good with names.”

“So wow, twelve years is a really long time,” Kayti said, folding her hands in her lap. “And you’ve had a crush on him before this?” When I nodded, she went on. “How many times?”

“A lot,” I settled on saying. “But none of them have felt like this. I guess before, it was because I always thought there was a little bit of hope since we spent so much time together but after what he said to me in the kitchen this morning, I just don’t think it’s possible. And now that I’m actually aware of what other people think and I’ve put together all of my feelings for him, it just makes it that much stronger.”

“What happened?” Marcy asked.

“I was dared to kiss him about three weeks ago and last night when we were brushing our teeth, I finally did but I didn’t want him to know that I liked him if I had no idea about his feelings so I said it was an accident and then this morning when I asked him if we could talk about it, he said that it didn’t mean anything to him,” I elucidated.

“And what did you come back with?” Kayti asked, picking up her cookie and breaking off a piece.

“Pretty much nothing. I said that it didn’t mean anything to me either but I wasn’t telling the truth.”

She nodded. “It sounds to me like he’s lying.”

“Me too,” Marcy agreed. “He’s probably just putting up defenses so he doesn’t have to admit that it meant something to him if you claimed it was just an accident. He was saving face.”

“You think?” I asked, biting my lip.

“Absolutely. Now—“she tore the crust off her sandwich“—Chris also told us about some pen pal in your English class. What’s that about?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” I said, lifting a hand. “We were just assigned someone else in our fifth period to write letters back and forth with and tell them about our lives. I don’t know who he is, though. At least one good thing came out of it; I know for sure that it’s not my jerk ex-boyfriend.”

Kayti laughed. “Yeah, we heard about that. You dated the prodigal son, brother of Amanda the hellion. How did that go?”

“He screwed me over.”

“Sounds about right.”

Marcy nudged Kayti with her foot and grinned. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I probably considered it before you did,” she replied. I looked between the two of them, confused.

“What?”

“Well,” Marcy began, uncrossing her legs and tapping her fingers on her knees. “Chris told you about her and Blade, right? Best friends in school and on the internet, kissed at a party and two of them were mystery guys but it turned out that it was him in all those situations?” I nodded. “It’s like history repeating itself. I think Trey’s the one that’s sending you the letters in class, and the one that’s leaving you the mysterious love notes in your locker.”

My eyes went wide. “How did you know about that?”

“Blade,” Kayti answered with a smile. “Don’t trust him. He will tell us.”

“I kind of have to. He’s most likely my future brother-in-law,” I muttered, slumping down in my chair.

“Well it makes sense if Trey’s the one writing both of those,” she said. “He probably cares for you more than anyone in the world and you know how a lot of people say that the only man a girl can trust is her daddy? Well judging by who your dad is and how solid your relationship is with Trey, he’s your best shot.”

“Plus, if you compare the writing on the love notes and the letters from class, the writing will probably be exactly the same and then if you put it with Trey’s, I’m one hundred percent sure it’ll be a match there too,” Marcy added.

I paused. “I guess that makes sense.”

“It does. And in terms of Trey acting like the kiss meant nothing to him, my best advice is for you to ignore him as long as possible,” Kayti continued. “Then he’ll get the point.”

“And what’s the point again?” I asked.

Marcy smiled. “His best friend is in love with him.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I took Christabelle’s friends’ advice and didn’t talk to Trey. In English class when he tried to talk about our memory boxes, I kept the conversation to a minimum and my eyes glued to my essay. He was partnered with Roxy and I was paired up with some boy in the front of the class named Matthew but I had only seen him around school and knew absolutely nothing about him other than what he told me from his box.

I decided on putting a number of things in my box; the necklace from my grandmother, a print-up of emails that my mom had sent me for the past few years that I thought were important, some family pictures, my grandpa’s pin from the second world war, all of the letters from Anonymous, the book Trey had gotten me for my birthday, the picture the limo driver took when I stomped on Andy’s foot and then some other little things that stood out. I tried to word my explanation of why I chose each in a good way but chances were, I came out sounding idiotic. Of course, that might have had to do with the fact that my mind and my eyes were both glued to Trey. I could see him across the classroom talking with Roxy but they were speaking very quietly and whispering like they were telling each other secrets.

I didn’t want to imagine the worst case scenario that they liked each other because that would just be like an arrow through the heart so I blocked them out and focused on Matthew and the project. When I left school with Andy for the last time until two weeks passed, we hitched a ride on the city bus up to the hospital and spent an hour with Christabelle, before heading back home. I didn’t have anything to get from Trey and Pax’s house so I just went right to my house. Andy left me alone to get ready for the dance and when I stepped inside, took off my shoes and hung up my coat, Anne walked out of the kitchen and immediately enveloped me into a large hug. The sudden contact took the air right out of me and when she heard my little gasping noise, she let me go and put her hands on my face.

“I missed you!” she exclaimed. “Your dad’s in the kitchen. Do you want to talk to him?”

I didn’t, but I knew I had to face him some time or another so I walked in and cleared my throat. He looked up from his newspaper and smiled. He stood and walked over to me, but didn’t touch.

“Good to have you home,” he said. “Are you here to stay?”

“I guess,” I replied. “I’m going out tonight, though. The school’s having a dance and I have to help out.”

“That’s fine.”

“You don’t want to give me a lecture?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “You know, your normal routine of ‘don’t kiss any boys, no alcohol, don’t let that Weston boy put his hands on you, be home before eleven or I’m coming to look for you’.”

“You made a good point the other day,” he said. “I don’t run your life and Christabelle told me the same thing but I didn’t realize I had been doing the same thing on you. I thought I was just looking out for you but it wasn’t my intention to control your life.”

“So you’re backing off?” I came out with, surprised. “That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Well, you’re sixteen. You’re old enough to make your own decisions but that doesn’t mean the normal rules don’t apply,” he said. “You have a curfew, I don’t appreciate swearing and no boys in your bedroom with the doors closed.”

I nodded. “Got it.”

He sighed and finally pulled me into a hug. “I really missed you, and I’m sorry about Monday.”

“Did you apologize?” I asked, looking up at him.

“To Blade? Yes and he said it was okay,” he replied. “You know I’ll always look out for you girls. It doesn’t matter if you’re one or one hundred; I’m your dad and I’ll always be worried about you two regardless of if I think you can take care of yourselves.”

“And Blade understands? Because you were really rude to him.”

“I know I was and I told him I was sorry. He said that it’s a father’s job.”

“It is,” I said, backing away so I could actually see him without straining my neck in the attempt. “Just promise me one thing; next time you think one of your daughters’ boyfriends could be a threat to her safety, talk about it. Don’t nearly break their neck. Some people don’t like that.”

Trey texted me around six to ask me if I was still coming to the dance and ask if I was okay because he caught on that I refused to speak with him and since he had come to my locker after school but I didn’t walk home with him and I didn’t tell him where I was going, he knew I something was off. The only problem with ignoring him was that if I gave up and talked to him again, I would have to tell him everything else, including my feelings for him. If I didn’t, he’d force it out of me anyway.

After I had eaten my dinner, put on a short purple dress and done my hair, I grabbed some heels that didn’t make me want to cry and went downstairs to put on my coat. I slipped on my mittens and scarf and met Andy on the driveway so we could walk up to the school together. People were already setting up so when we arrived, we were instructed to man the drink booth and when we saw one of the boys trying to sneak some alcohol into the punch, Andy nearly ripped him a new asshole before getting the principal and having him get escorted out.

Halfway through the night, the music was blasting and slowly killing my eardrums, the gym was filled with sweaty dancers and I was bored out of my mind. Since we were part of the staff, we weren’t allowed to dance unless one of the teachers tapped us out and let us take a break but since Andy and I really didn’t have that much of a stressful job, we were still stuck behind the table giving people drinks.

“I’m bored,” I said.

“What?” Andy called, tapping her ear.

“I said I’m bored!” I laughed. “Can’t we switch shifts and do something else?”

Andy glanced out at the dance floor like she was looking for someone, and then turned to the clock. “We need more napkins.” She grabbed my wrist. “Come with me.”

“Right, because that’s a two person job,” I said sarcastically. I could see a whole stack of napkins at the corner of the table, so I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about but if it could get me out of the gym even for five minutes, it was worth it so I followed her. We ducked beneath the streamers blocking off the doors upstairs and stepped into the hallway.

“Where are we going?” I asked her while she rushed ahead and grabbed a door handle. “You know, I seriously doubt that they keep Christmas napkins in the janitor’s closet.”

She opened the door and shoved me inside. I felt my knees give out when Trey turned around, holding a roll of paper towel. “Andy, I don’t know if—” He stopped speaking when his eyes landed on mine, and then he dropped the roll. “Oh.”

“What’re you doing here?” I demanded. He opened his mouth to reply but then looked at Andy over my shoulder. I stared at her and she just grinned.

“Talk it out!” she yelled and slammed the door, walking away. I went to open it but somehow, she had gotten her hands on the keys and so we were locked inside. I sighed and looked back at Trey, who bent over to pick up the paper towel and put it back on the shelf.

“She probably didn’t even need it,” he mumbled. “Why have you been ignoring me?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, leaning against the door and crossing my arms.

“Might as well. She’s not going to let us out until we do,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. Trey was wearing black pants and a red dress shirt with a frighteningly vibrant green tie. Somehow, he pulled it off and it took all of my might not to do a double take.

“Fine. Yesterday, in the bathroom,” I began. “It wasn’t an accident, and to be honest, it bugs me that it didn’t faze you even a little. You acted like nothing happened and yes, it did mean something to me. Are you happy now?”

Trey frowned at me. “So you lied to me?”

“Wow, we’re really focusing on that?” I asked, throwing my arms up in the air. “I like you, Trey. That’s what you should actually be concentrating on. I don’t think of you as just my brother anymore because I actually have feelings for you. You don’t want me to lie to you, right? So there’s the truth and knowing that it means nothing to you is probably what hurts me the most. So I ignored you because I didn’t want to have to look you in the eyes and pretend like nothing was bothering me.”

He gaped at me, shocked into silence.

“What? You said you wanted me to talk about it so I did. Do you have anything you want to say now?”

“You like me?” he spluttered.

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, and Pax told me that you liked me too so that’s why it came as a surprise to me when you said that the kiss last night wasn’t that big of a deal,” I explained.

“Pax—” Trey shook his head, pushed his hair back. “Karlee, it’s not like that.”

“Well then what’s going on? Apparently everyone else thinks you have feelings for me and then you go and throw me off with this. Do you like me or not?” I asked, stepping closer to him.

He cleared his throat and stepped backwards, bumping into the shelves behind him. “No,” he finally said but I could see something in his eyes; regret, self-disgust, anger.

“So the kiss didn’t mean anything to you?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

He gulped. “Th-that’s right.”

I felt overwhelmed with confidence. If kissing me didn’t do anything for him, he wouldn’t be stuttering and knocking back words, and he wouldn’t be trying to get away from me. I had seen him turn down girls before and I knew he never felt awkward but the way he was acting with me now was definitely making him uncomfortable. He was lying.

“Tell me that now then,” I said and in one fluid motion, I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him. Trey froze immediately and put his hands on my arms. I expected him to push me away because his grip was fairly tight and forceful, but then they slid down and he took hold of my hands, intertwining our fingers. My heart nearly leapt into my throat because even now, the slightest touch from him sent shivers up my spine and made my skin tingle. How was it possible that one person could have so much of an effect on someone?

Trey pulled away but only slightly and I took a breath, preparing for him to say something but he grabbed me and kissed me again. His hand went to the back of my neck and my arms slithered up and around his shoulders. I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks, felt my knees becoming weak again like last night. I felt that if it continued any longer, my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. Kissing Trey was exactly what it should have been; earth shattering, heart throbbing, fireworks exploding. When we separated again, he sighed and shook his head.

“No,” he murmured and stepped back. “I can’t do this.”

My face fell. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you . . . are you serious?” I asked, hands balled into fists. “How can you kiss someone like that and then just turn them away? Are you honestly telling me that that meant nothing?”

He looked at his feet.

I felt a tear trickling down my cheek. I had been turned down before but it didn’t really bother me, whereas when I had just kissed my best friend and then pretty much been told that he wanted nothing to do with me that way, it was devastating. Trey’s head snapped up quickly when I wiped my face and he moved closer.

“Karlee, why are you crying?” he asked, putting a hand on my arm.

“I’m not,” I growled, stepping away from him.

“Yes you are.”

“No, Trey,” I said, putting a hand on his chest to tell him to stay back. “This was what I was afraid of, okay? This is exactly what I was trying to avoid and it’s why it’s so goddamn difficult to fall in love with someone in high school.”

“I didn’t—”

The door opened and the janitor stood there, staring at us with a scowl on his face.

“What are you kids doing in here?” he asked. I didn’t bother to answer because I was already shoving past him and running down the hallway with tears in my eyes.

“Karlee!” Trey called after me, but I didn’t look back. This changed everything, and I was never going to be able to look at him the same way again.