How Do I Live?

Jimmy Sullivan felt far more sober now than he had done 20 minutes ago, the walk from Zacky’s house had sorted out his spinning head, he stumbled up the stairs, giggling to himself as he misjudged the doorframe, he pulled his bottle of anti-depressants from the bathroom cupboard and took his dose just like every night.

Leana Sullivan listened to husband bumbling around in the bathroom, shaking her head but still smiling. It was impossible not to smile when Jimmy was involved, even if he was home very late.

She watched in the darkness as he wandered into their bedroom and began to strip off, the bed springs creaked as he threw himself onto the bed.

‘Hey’ she whispered.

‘Hi sweetie’ he replied, turning to face her, his eyes look slightly blood shot and his lips were pulled into a small smile.

‘Good night?’ she asked, stroking a piece of hair from his cheek.
He nodded and lent toward her for a kiss, she obliged of course but when she pulled away she wrinkled her nose.

‘Jimmy! You stink’ she exclaimed giggling, ‘what have you been drinking?’

‘Just the usual’ he replied, shrugging.

‘So that everything then’ Leana said.

‘Something like that’ Jimmy giggled again, enjoying the half annoyed half amused look on his beautiful wife’s face.

‘Well, go to sleep, I have work tomorrow remember I don’t need you jabbering away to me all night’ she said firmly, kissing the tip of his nose and turning to lie on her back.

‘Night night baby’ he mumbled before turning onto his front and instantly dropping off the sleep.

Leana’s alarm broke though her peaceful sleep, she begrudgingly threw off the covers and swung her legs out of bed, she didn’t bother waking Jimmy, he’d sleep til noon at least. Leana showered and dressed for work, leaving only after she’d called her ‘goodbyes’ to Jimmy, who as she expected didn’t reply.

Work was slow, Tuesdays often were but Leana always knew things would be all go when she got home, Jimmy would be completely regenerated and ready to cause mayhem. Although Leana often found herself complaining about Jimmy she knew that did truly love him and no matter how much he annoyed her it would matter in the end cos he would kiss her and whisper sweet things in her ear and all would be forgotten.

At 5.30 Leana climbed into her car and headed home, smiling to herself.

She dumped her car keys on the kitchen side and headed straight upstairs, not even noticing the kitchen was in the same tidy state she’d left it in that morning. She didn’t notice any of the tell tale signs that things were not as they should be.

Although it didn’t take many seconds for to realize something was wrong when she entered their bedroom. Jimmy was in exactly the same position she’d left him in, stomach down, face turned to the right and his right arm hanging off the bed.

‘Jimmy?’ she said slowly approaching him, ‘Jimmy, this is really taking the piss’ she said, assuming he was just still asleep. She placed a hand on his arm only to recoil in horror at the feel of his icy skin.

‘Jimmy?’ she said again, this time louder and with fear bubbling inside her stomach like tar. No response.
She dropped to her knees beside him and touched his face. It had the same icy, clammy feel.

‘Jimmy?!’ her voice now filled his unmistakable panic, tears bust forth in her eyes as she slowly opened his eye.

The desperate sob that had risen in her chest never left her mouth, it was all just to horrifying, it wasn’t Jimmy’s azure blue eye that looked back at her only bank whiteness, as if someone had come and painted the colour out.

Leana fell back and slumped against the wall, she felt the world had just fallen away from under her feet and she was totally alone in an empty void. Tears began to stream from her eyes as awful truth after awful truth broke over her like waves.
Jimmy looked as peaceful as one fast asleep with sweet dreams bur the truth was so horrendously different.

Leana was barely able to reach for the phone on the night stand and punch in the only number she could remember anymore.

Valary Sanders had just climbed out the bath when the phone began to ring. The shill sound brought Val straight back to earth after her heavenly soak in the tub.

‘Hello?’ she answered with her usual cheer.

A small, choking sob was all she heard in return.

‘Hello, who is this?’ she asked.

‘Val, please you need to come’ Leana’s voice was distant and pleading, Val was racked with confusion.

‘Leana, what’s up babe?’ she asked, wandering into the kitchen and flicking the kettle on.

‘It’s Jimmy, oh God, Val please just come, please’ Fear began to rise in Valery like a fire and her hands began to shake.

‘I’ll be there in 10 minutes okay, just stay calm’ Val hung up the phone and grabbed her car keys.

Val didn’t bother with the front door, she headed straight to back with she knew would be unlocked. There was something dreadfully wrong inside the house, the air was cold and everything was silent, this didn’t feel like Jimmy and Leana’s home.

‘Leana?!’ Valery called, heading for the stairs, taking them two at the time. An awful sound was coming from inside their bedroom, strangled, desperate cries, heartbroken and chilling.

Val found Leana curled into a ball beside the bed, tears running free as rivers down her sweet face, her body rocking with sobs.
Valery ran toward her, not even seeing Jimmy’s lifeless form at first, the burning fear Val had felt after Leana’s call turned into a blazing inferno when she saw him, his long, slim arm slightly off colour and clammy looking.

‘Le, what’s happened’ Val demanded, dropping to her knees and seizing Leana’s shoulders.

She was only able to say two words. ‘He’s dead’

The next twenty minutes are nothing but a blur to Valery although she is glad that she can’t remember them. All that’s certain is that the ambulance arrived that their home, with a police car in tow, each with an enough flashing lights to stir the interest of the quiet suburban street.
Jimmy’s body was carefully removed, as was Leana. She seem to have lost the ability to walk and had to be carried out.

Val watched the whole scene, never allowing herself to lose her cool, even though all she truly wanted was to throw herself to the ground and scream until her lungs were red raw.
The crowd outside were all clamouring to know what had happened but Valery hadn’t uttered a word, know there far more important people who needed to know first.
She pulled Matt’s number up on her phone and pressed ‘call’.

‘Hey Sug,I was just about to call you’ Matt said on answering the phone, Val could barely stand to hear him speaking in such a care free voice.

‘Matt, Jimmy’s passed away’

She heard him breath quickly through his nose. After a few seconds pause he said;
‘What?’

‘Jimmy’s dead Matt’ she said, finally the true gravity of the situation came sliding into focus and it was hard for her to keep her voice steady.

‘Valery shut up, how could you say such a thing?’ Matt was desperate not to believe her but even as he said the words he could hear the truth in his own voice, he knew she wouldn’t lie like that, he just didn’t want to believe.

‘It’s true Matt, I think you should come home’ she said simply, fighting with all her might against the tears and the screams that were building inside her chest.

Matt Sanders was sure that the world had just ended, there was no other explanation for the things that Valery was saying, everything must be over but even as he stood, feeling like the weight of the world had just dropped into his normally unshakable shoulders he saw that the world hadn’t ended, people were still walking about, drinking coffee and talking on phones.
Matt’s knees gave out beneath him and he went crashing to the floor.

Jimmy dead?
Those two words were polar opposites, Jimmy was the most life filled person Matt had ever met, he was continually high on life itself, he loved living and had so much to live for. Death was just something that never seemed to come into contact with Jimmy.

The emotional tempest inside Matt’s body broke forth as physical pain, he howled like a wounded animal before torrents of tears came falling from his eyes.
His brother, gone.
From somewhere close by Matt heard Valery speak again.

‘Come home Matthew, you need to here with us, I’ll get someone to book a flight for you’ Matt didn’t have a chance to reply before she hung up.

Home? Would it be home without Jimmy? How could anything ever be the same again?
Matt dragged his body into an upright position, his legs folded under him, he clasped his head in his hands, as if he was trying to hold his head together, trying to keep all his razor sharp thoughts inside his aching head.

Matt had never felt anything so physically and emotionally painful, he screamed again, unable to deal with it any other way.

Days passed and life continued. There were things to be dealt with, an inquest and a funeral, there were other things, less important things like food, drink and sleep and then even in the back of their minds was the album, sitting unfinished on the shelf, Jimmy laced into each track.

They sat together in Matt’s spacious living room, the sound of laughter filled the space, it rung though the house like a bell.

‘Oh man, I can’t believe he did that!’ Zacky exclaimed, still shaking with laughter, clutching a bottle of beer in his left hand and his right arm stretched around his girlfriend’s shoulders.

‘I know, fuck man, nothing held him back’ Jason Berry replied, wiping tears of laughter off his cheeks.

‘Oh God, what about that time when that fan girl got on the bus!?’ Brian suddenly said, another Jimmy story popping into his head.

They’d spend most of the days since Jimmy’s death in a fashion similar to this, all together with a bottle of Jimmy’s favourite beer telling story after story about the man everyone loved so much. They’d not told the same story twice in 5 days and the laughter seemed to work like a medicine for them.

‘Awh man yes! She stayed for hours cos she wanted to beat him on the Playstation’ Matt added, creasing up with laughter again. Val laughed too, she was sitting between Matt knee’s, absently stroking his foot.

Leana sat between Johnny and Gena, Johnny’s hand was clasped over hers, gently squeezing it. Leana had found it hard to smile all evening, even though everything they said would normally have made her crack up.
Leana bit down on her lip to stop herself from crying, although she didn’t want to cry in front of the others, she had to be strong for them just like they were being strong for her.

Leana excused herself and headed to the kitchen, at first she intended to get a glass of water but as soon as she was alone wave after wave of hot, guilty tears broke free, she grasped on kitchen top to steady herself, silence pressed in on her from all sides, her hands began to shake as her tears dripped from her cheeks.

But then there were arms wrapping around her, a strong smell of beer and mint consumed her.

‘Shh, don’t cry baby’ Brian’s voice soothed her, his arms cradled her, she felt her energy just go, she fell against him, still crying.
Brian’s strong arms rocked her and his calm voice seemed to lessen the dark storm in her mind. Brian’s lips brushed against her ear as he whispered sweet nothings.

‘I miss him so much’ she whispered, her nails digging into his back as she strived to say standing.

‘I know baby, I miss him too’ Brian replied, stroking Leana’s long curls as her face buried against his chest.

‘The last thing I did was tell him not to keep me up all night’ she sobbed. Brian pulled her closer to his body, trying to envelop all of her in his arms, he felt such a strong desire to protect her, to take away her pain.

‘I’d give anything to have him talk to me all night about nothing, I’d give anything’ she whispered. Brian felt tears forming in his own eyes.

‘Le, we’d all do anything to see him again and you can’t be angry with yourself for what you said to him, he knew you loved him, no matter what you said’ he’s own tears dripped onto Leana’s head.
He could barely hear himself speaking, words came tumbling out of his mouth that he didn’t even know he had inside him.
Brian’s lips pressed to Leana’s forehead.

‘Don’t cry baby, he’s not really gone, he’s never going to leave you really’ again Brian found words from deep inside him, soothing and calming the hysterical Leana. He hated to see her like this, she’d become a shell of her former self.
Brian kissed her again, only just holding it together himself, he took a deep breath.

‘He’s looking after us Le, I know he is’