I Didn't Know I Could Break Your Heart

"So what is it your here to talk to me about?" The psychiatrist asked in a soothing tone. Brown hair lay on one of her shoulders, falling down in ringlets that were streaked with gold. She had thick glasses perched on her nose which hid eyes that were like endless fields of grass. Tyler thought she might of been pretty had she been wearing some colour.

She stared at him patiently, tapping her pen against her notebook, as he fought the urge to run, screaming, from the office. It was so small compared to what he was used to and it was awkward talking to the ceiling instead of the person's face. He sighed.

"There's this girl... her name is Marrietta. I met her when I was fifteen and she was immediately the only person I ever wanted to be with. She broke my heart near the end of twelth grade because I cheated on her when I was so fucking drunk I can't remember a thing about that night," Tyler took a breath, "I spent eight years trying to get over her. Almost killed myself once, slept with every red head I could get my hands on and got high with my best friend at every chance I got. I... I saw her for the first time a few months ago and she was still mad at me. She came around though and we slept together and were a couple again and then realized we didn't know shit about each other so we broke up. And we promised to stay friends. But now she won't answer my calls and she's not calling me and I don't know what to do. Rudy said I should just get over her once and for all, but... I don't know if I can."

The psychiatrist nodded briefly. There was no emotion on her face as she wrote several notes down on her notepad. Tyler watched her closely, trying to make out the words, but her cursive was too curly for him to read. She looked up and he sat straight immediately.

"This girl... was she your first time?"

"No, she was a total prude,"

She nodded and wrote something else down. Cringing, Tyler added, "Not that I had anything against that. I respected her for her choice, didn't push her... I never cheated on her except that one fucking time and then I cheated on my last girlfriend, Jen about a bazillion times-"

"Tell me more of this 'Jen' girl,"

Her tone was completely impassive, but Tyler took offense to it anyways. The way this woman was looking at him, looking through him really, made him nervous. "I loved her, okay? I really did! It's just I was so head-over-heels for Mary, still, that I couldn't stop doing these red heads that I'd meet at work-"

"At work?"

"Cheerleaders," Tyler replied matter-of-factly, before continuing, "Jen was the sweetest little thing. So delicate, so pure. She partied hard but wasn't a slut. She loved to garden... I loved her eyes and her hair and the way she kissed me. I loved how she'd always forgive me, no matter what. She was everything to me for so long and then... she left."

The psychiatrist looked up at him again. For the first time in the entire session, she seemed mildly interested in something he was saying. "Why did she leave?"

Tyler swallowed, hating himself as he remembered what she had said to him in the hospital room. He opened his mouth to reply and managed to choke out, "I... slept with Marrietta."

"And she knew what Marrietta meant to you?"

He merely nodded, not able to meet the psychiatrist's eyes. Part of him new that it was her job to be impartial, but the other part of him knew he was a horrible person and couldn't help but wonder how she could not see that. He took a deep breath and waited for the next question.

"Have you ever considered," The psychiatrist began, "That maybe Jen was your way out?"

"Excuse me?"

She cleared her throat, "This girl you dated, Jen, maybe she was your way out. Being with her made you less likely to think about Marrietta. When you were with her, did you find yourself gradually forgetting the other girl?"

Tyler shook his head, trying to stop laughing, "Jen was the exact opposite of Mary, but she only succeeded in making me want Mary back more. She was nothing like what I was used to and it killed me to think that maybe I was... losing... my liking for... Marrietta."

"Do you think you cheat-"

"Cheated on Jen because I felt guilty that I was no longer in love with Marrietta?" Tyler finished for her, his voice rising in excitement, "All of those red heads, I needed to have them because I needed to feel like I... I wasn't letting go of Mary! And I was really only in love with Jen... who threatened to have a restraining order put against me if I ever spoke to her again." His voice faltered, "But I loved her."

The psychiatrist nodded, but for the first time she was smiling, "How about you go home and call Jen and forget about Marrietta? I'm sure once you've explained what you realized here today, this girl will be more than happy to forgive you."

"You don't know what I did to her," Tyler said, shaking his head, "She's not coming back. But... I'll try to call her, I think... thanks."

"It's just my job."

***

Tyler dangled the keys from his fingers as he rounded the corner to his apartment building. He knew it was stupid. He could drop them down the gutter, someone could grab them and make a run for it, but he didn't really care. He was lost in thoughts of Jen.

He had forgotten, in just a few short months, how she had laughed. Her smile used to be so innocent but the most recent image of it he could recall made her look dark. In a way, he knew he had ruined her. But he had also helped her to see that the world wasn't all roses. He hoped she didn't only blame him for everything he had shown her, but thanked him for it too.

Only a little over a year ago, he had told her how she had changed. He had wondered why and she had told him that it was him who it had changed her. He had changed everything about her.

"Everything?" Tyler whispered as he brushed a lock of her brown hair behind her ears. She still looked innocent to him, but he knew it was his imagination. They sat in the grass of Central Park like they had done every year since they had moved. But instead of being perfectly at ease with her surroundings, Jennifer glanced around them, scared a stranger might be lurking somewhere near. "Absolutely everything?"

Jennifer nodded, "It's a good thing though. How could I have walked through life and done anything if it wasn't for you? I would've gotten mugged and stolen from and cheated at every corner. My life would be so much worse than it is now."

He hesitated, his fingers hovering millimetres from her cheek. Her green eyes bored into him in ways he would have never thought were possible. In a voice that sounded choked, he whispered, "Is your life... worse than it was before you met me?"

Smiling, she shook her head, "I've never loved anybody as much as I love you."

"Jen... you're everything to me, do you know that?" Tyler murmured, cupping her chin in his hand. She was so small and delicate that he thought she would break. "I love you, so much."

Pulling his hand gently away from her face, she said softly, "Let's go home, okay?"

He nodded, got up and followed her back to their apartment.

Tyler had thought nothing was wrong in the way she had spoken to him. He had allowed her to pull her into the living room and kiss him like there was nothing else to be said. But now as he looked back on that moment, he knew she had been hiding something from him. And now he needed to know what she had actually thought. What she had actually meant.

He had been staring down at the sidewalk, so he had to backtrack to reach his apartment. His first thought when he looked up at his building's door was that he was having an extremely vivid daydream. The second thought was that he should turn and run before she could talk to him.

But when she smiled, he had no choice but to approach. Her red hair was in knots. Her beautiful brown eyes were red and puffy. Tyler reached out and took her hand carefully, whispering, "Why are you here?"

"I... needed a place to stay," Marrietta replied with a small smile. There was something she was forgetting to tell him, but he didn't mind. The way she looked at him made nothing else seem to matter. "Is it okay if I crash with you?"

"Of-" He cut himself off. He remembered what he had realized back in the psychiatrist's office and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mary. I just need some time away from you and... all of this. If you need money, I can pay for a hotel for a couple of nights."

Her mouth hung open as she stared at him, but then she nodded, "Of course," The smile on her lips was fake, "I can find someone else's couch to sleep on, I'm sure. If you'll just excuse-"

Tyler caught her arm as she went to walk past him. With his other hand, he reached up and fingered the bruise that was starting to form across her cheek. "What the hell happened to your face?" He asked angrily.

She turned towards him, ready to lie, but when her eyes met him what she was going to say melted away. Licking her lips, she mumbled, "Rudy hit me."