Never Again

I turned the radio on as Frank pulled out of the carpark, wanting to just zone out for a while. The music flared and a few songs that I liked came on; some by Bullet For My Valentine, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and Greenday.

Then there was a break, and a silence held the car. A moment, then the next song began. I started, recognizing the song as one of My Chem’s own.

“Well when you go... so never think I’ll make you try to stay.
And maybe when you get back, I’ll be off to find another way...”

I smiled gently, but felt the familiar sadness that the song always brought me to tears.
‘I Don’t Love You’ had been the first song that I had ever heard of MCR’s, only months before I actually met the guys; and it was the song that drew me out of depression and introduced me to music that actually meant something.

“...when after all this sadness you still owe, you’re still a good-for-nothing I don’t know...
so take your gloves and get out; baby get out, while you can...”

I listened as the song continued, the sorrow of the song even more meaningful to me now that I knew how quickly a life could be turned upside down - only a few short hours ago I had been happy, and all my friends had been safe. But, now, I didn’t know what was going to happen and two of my best friends were badly hurt.

“And when you go, would you even turn to say...
I don’t love you, like I did yesterday.”

I felt my eyes begin to water, and the familiar aching tightness clutch at my chest.
I didn’t know why this song always made me feel this way, but I assumed it was just one of those songs that touched people, somewhere deep inside.

Lost in the general feeling of terror and tragedy from the day, and thoughts about everything and nothing in particular, I sat silently through the rest of the song. In fact, I was so far away that I didn’t even notice when the car stopped and Frankie started talking.

“...Amber!”

I jumped, falling back into reality with a jolt.

“What?” I asked dumbly, blinking as I tried to remember what he had just said.

“...we’re here.” Frank continued with a sigh, running his hands through his fringe absentmindedly.

“I parked up here so you could... get ready.”

“Do I really look that bad? I feel it.” I took a deep breath, rubbing my eyes.

“Well, kind of...” Frank’s half-hearted attempt to lighten the mood fell flat, and neither of us laughed. “...We’ll, I guess we’d better go.” He glanced around at me, frowning. “And, for a few days at least, I guess we’d better play it cool for her - you know, not tell her much about... the accident.”

He trailed off as I nodded, his words echoing eerily in my head ‘...a few days, at least...’ It made me realize that the day wasn’t going to be over when I went to bed - it would all still be there in the morning.

Eventually, a simple ‘okay’ was all that I managed to get out, all the while fighting the nausea that arrived whenever I thought too hard. With the last 24 hours being so hectic, I had almost forgotten how ill I had felt; how ill I was feeling. Now it had returned, and I felt a swirl of vertigo cloud my head as I stepped out of Frank’s car.

I held onto the door to steady myself, waiting for the ground to stop lunging at me.

“You okay, Amber?” Frank was frowning at me from across the car, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Sure?”

“I’ll be perfectly alright, okay? Quit stressing about me - right now I’m the least of your problems!”

Immediately after I said it I felt bad. I wasn’t angry, really, and the way I had snapped at Frank wasn’t right. I didn’t need to bring the whole calamity up again... I sighed, tucking the part of my fringe that had fallen over my face behind my ear.

“I’m sorry, I’m not really upset... I guess I’m just tired.” I hoped Frankie would understand, even though I didn’t even understand my mood. Thankfully he smiled at me, tired as he was himself.

“It’s okay,” He walked around the car and placed his hand on my shoulder reassuringly. “I know how you feel. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, ‘cause I didn’t want to... I don’t want anyone else to be hurt.”

I nodded silently, feeling tears of pent-up emotion fill my eyes even as I tried not to let them out. Frank held me to his chest, taking deep breaths that I was sure were to keep him from crying himself; and for the first time that day, I began to relax.

“I’m sure everything will be fine, eventually. It has to be.” I murmured into his neck, my voice muffled by his hoodie.

“What?” Frank smiled amusedly down at me, though his eyes were still sad and worried - as they would be for a time yet.

“I said: I’m sure they’re going to be okay.” I squeezed his hand, “They just have to be.”

We stood there for a long moment, until Frank eventually pulled away, still holding my hand.

“Come on,” he said, “we’re just going to pick up Bandit to stay a couple nights, remember?”

I nodded, forcing any doubts and worries I had to the back of my mind as we set off down the street.

I paused at the front door of Gerard’s house, taking a deep breath and forcing myself to detach from any of my own emotions before I pressed the bell. It rang twice, then gave way to the sound of feet walking down the hallway, and a moment later the door opened.

The worried looking young woman who opened the door ushered us in without saying a word, taking us through to the kitchen before talking.

“So, what’s going on?”

I shook my head sadly, while Frank told her.

“Nothing new since Amber rang you - Gerard’s still not awake and they won’t let us see Mikey yet... we’re just going to tell Bandit they’ve had an accident, but they’ll be better soon, can you back us on that?”

“The thing is,” I broke in, “We don’t want to lie to her, but we don’t want to scare her if we don’t have to, so we’ll only tell her what she really needs to know.”

Jaynie was nodding slowly, trying to put together all that had happened and come up with something useful. Eventually she scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

“That’s my cellphone number, so if you need any help looking after Bandit, or any help with anything else at all, just call me, okay?”

“Thanks. We’ll let you know if anything happens.”

About an hour later, we arrived back at my house with Bandit in tow - we hadn’t told her anything was up yet, so she was still clueless, thinking that this was just another day out with her daddy’s friends.

“Auntie Amber?” she asked, as Frank navigated the streets to my neighbourhood. “Where’s daddy - is he still at work?”

“Bandit...” I took a deep breath, looking away from her innocent face and focusing on the road.

She cocked her head, watching me over her glasses as she waited for me to continue.

“See, your daddy’s had a bit of an accident... He just needs some time to get better, okay? So you’ll be staying with us until he’s alright again.” I smiled fakely, hoping it looked reassuring to Bandit.

“Okay...” Bandit suddenly looked up, “But he’s gonna be okay, right?”

I nodded, hoping like crazy that it wasn’t a lie.

“Well,” she grinned, taking my hand, “until daddy gets better we get to have lots of fun, so we can tell him all about it!”

I smiled back, sighing in relief. It would be okay, I felt - we just had to wait.