Never Again

The morning after the concert, I woke up late, and so tired that I didn’t realise it was past eleven o’clock until Steph texted me, telling me that she’d left my place early and had her car towed already.

I had managed to stumble out of bed and have a shower, and was a little more awake, by the time my phone buzzed again. I groaned at the loud noise, but picked it up anyway.

“…hello?” I mumbled, muffling a yawn that told me I still wasn’t fully awake.

“Amber?” A fast-speaking male voice that I couldn’t quite place said on the end of the line. “-It’s me, Frank,” he said, a little more slowly, after a silence that obviously gave away my cluelessness.

“Oh, hi Frank,” I said finally, remembering that I’d given him my number, “What’s up?”

“It’s Gerard,” he said immediately, the original worried tone returning to his voice as he spoke. “He never came back last night, and we’re starting to get worried…” he paused, taking a breath and slowing down, since the words had been coming out faster the more he talked. “None of us know anyone in town, so we were hoping that you could help us look for him, if you’re not doing anything… please?”

I had forgotten about being tired by the time Frank finished telling me what was going on – by then I was wide awake, and worried. I had already seen what Gerard could do when he disappeared.

“Of course,” I said aloud, already heading towards my closet to find some clothes. “What do you need me to do?”

“Uh, well I was thinking if we all split up and drive around town looking for him anywhere obvious – I don’t think he’ll have gone very far, but anything could have happened to him if he’s drunk again,”

“Okay, if you get someone to come pick me up in about ten minutes, I’ll be ready,” I paused as he thanked me relievedly, thinking of something to say that would calm Frank down a bit, as standoffish as he had been to begin with, then sighed and finished my sentence before he hung up; “And look, don’t worry about Gerard – he doesn’t know his way around town either, so I’m sure we’ll find him.”

Ten minutes later, I had thrown on some jeans and a T-shirt, found my sneakers and reached for my mobile phone – before remembering that it had been stolen, along with everything else in my bag, the night before.

Thus prepared, I waited impatiently on the front steps for my ride, jumping up as Mikey finally drove into the street behind the wheel of an obviously borrowed commodore.

“Hey,” I said, managing an apprehensive smile as I climbed in the car and he started down the street again.

Mikey just nodded at first, his normally grave features worn into a more than usually anxious expression, and when he finally gathered his thoughts into sentences, the words were spoken with even more worry in his tone than Frank had sounded on the phone.

“Thanks for helping us out with this, Amber,” he said eventually, “we haven’t heard anything from Gee yet, and it’s been almost twelve hours…”

“Don’t thank me yet,” I replied, not wanting to let him think that I could really help – temporary tour guide, I could probably do, but Melbourne is a huge city, and I had no idea where to look to begin the search for Gerard. “I’ll do my best to help, but I don’t know what I’ll be able to do.”

This was probably why, after hours of driving around the nearby suburbs with Mikey, both the conversation and hopes of finding Gerard anytime soon were dropping slowly but surely.

Poor Mikey had got to the point where his concern for his brother was turning to frustration by the time Frank called and told us that he and Ray and Bob had no news either, but since it was getting dark, we may as well give up searching for now.

Even without hearing exactly what Frank had said, I could tell that Mikey didn’t like the idea, but he had been convinced by the time he hung up, turning to me and relaying the message.

“Is it okay if we all meet up at your place?” he asked defeatedly once I knew what was going on. “There’s too much publicity at the hotel, and we don’t want everyone to know that Gee’s gone on a bender again.”

“Yeah, sure,” I nodded, immediately seeing the sense in the suggestion, “I wouldn’t feel right just going home and leaving you guys to worry about Gerard anyway.”

“Thanks,” Mikey managed a tight smile as he steered the car for my house in the fading afternoon light, “I just hope he turns up soon and we don’t have to worry for long.”

Frank and the others met me outside my place minutes later, the atmosphere tense as I noted the worried looks that everyone – Ray, Frank and Bob as well as Mikey – shared.

“Anyone else have any ideas?” Ray asked wearily once we were all seated in my kitchen – a tiny apartment room much too small to fit everyone in comfortably, I might add.

“Nope,” muttered Frank, who was leaning on the bench, clutching the edge of the sink with frustrated fists, “not a single goddamn clue.”

“He’s gonna get himself killed one day, running off like this,” Bob mused, a statement that earned him a woeful look from Mikey.

There was a palpable silence for minutes then, laced through with a heavy dread and frustration that weighed on me as much as the other four.

“Look,” I sighed in the end, with no better plan coming to mind, “sitting around here isn’t helping anything – why don’t you all go back to the hotel or drive around or something, and I’ll have another look around and call you if I see him.”

The very suggestion sounded flimsy, and twice as hopeless as the search we had already called off as night fell, but to my surprise only Mikey protested.

“I’m not going back to the hotel,” he said firmly, shaking his head just as the others were agreeing that there was nothing they could do, “I’ll stay here and drive Amber around to look for him, but I’m not giving up yet – this is the only part of town he knows, since its where he took off last time, and I want to find him before he does something stupid.”

Everyone agreed with him – that they had to find Gerard, and soon – but with no idea what they could do to find him, the others were as resigned to returning to the hotel and waiting for news, as Mikey was determined to stay and continue searching.

With that in mind, Frank and the others soon left to return to the hotel they were staying at, leaving Mikey and his car at my place to keep searching.

There was a pause; a few minutes to contemplate as we had a hot drink and thought hard as to where Gerard might be.

“Do you want to go out and have another look around town now?” I asked Mikey presently, speaking my thoughts aloud to try and relieve his fears; “The only places we haven’t been are down near the beach, and the club strip where he was last time... though I don’t know if he’d go right back there,”

Mikey didn’t have the heart to reply, but just nodded, grabbing the keys to the borrowed commodore and standing up immediately.

I really felt sorry for him then – the look of abject worry and weariness on his face showed just how well he knew what could happen, what had happened before, when his brother disappeared like this.

So we set off into what was now the city night; Mikey dropping me off at the beach to search there, and driving a few streets back to the street where I had first met Gerard – or found him, I guess I should say – months ago.

I walked down the promenade overlooking the beach, squinting into the darkness beyond the streetlights that led down to the dunes; still no sign of Gerard.

I followed the beach for what felt like a kilometre or more, scanning the sand and the boardwalk through the wind blowing ever stronger from out on the ocean.

The end of the beach was almost in sight, and I was just about to give up and call Mikey, when a tiny movement in the darkness caught my eye.

It took me a moment to find whatever I had noticed again, but soon I recognised it; the faint red glow of a lit cigarette, flaring in the wind.

Figuring there would probably only be one person stupid or desperate enough to be just sitting out on the beach in the middle of the night, smoking, I took a breath and started over to where I’d seen the light.

As I got closer I could see the lonely figure sitting on the sand, hunched over and obviously staring out into the black surf.

It didn’t look like he’d seen me coming; at least, he didn’t turn or make a sound like you would expect someone to do if they knew someone was behind them; unless, of course, he’d been drinking and was too far gone to notice.

I was still hoping that wasn’t true when I finally made it to where Gerard sat, perfectly still except for his hair blown in the wind.

“Mikey and the others have been worried about you,” I said the first thing that came to mind, when he still didn’t look around after I sat down next to him on the sand.

The sound of my voice made him turn, then, obviously not recognising it as any of the people who he would have expected to come looking for him.

“Amber.” He stated, after a moment spent studying my face in the dark, though showing lttle surprise in his tone or demeanour; “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you,” I answered shortly, then sighed, and lay back on the sand. “More weird coincidences, actually. The really short version is that I was at The Used concert last night with a friend, and her car got trashed in the carpark, so we caught a ride home on your tour bus, thanks to Mikey.”

Gerard just nodded when I had explained, as silent and moody as all the times I’d met him so far, so I decided it probably meant that he needed to talk.

“Gerard,” I began, not sure what to say, but knowing that I had to say something to help him deal with his issues; “…why do you do this?”

To my surprise, though, rather than sulk or cry or get angry like I had expected, Gerard let out a laugh; a sharp, bitter sound that seemed full of both frustration and sadness.

“That’s what I’ve been out here all day trying to figure out,” he said eventually, scuffing at the sand, then suddenly standing up and walking closer to where the waves crashed against the sand.

“When I went off after the concert, I was planning on just going to some club and getting wasted… like every other time,” he sighed, speaking quietly but seeming determined to get everything out, “but then I actually got there, and I realised I didn’t want to – it was like I had to, I needed a drink, needed to get completely smashed… but I didn’t want to.”

He turned as he said it,as if pleading with me to understand what a huge step it was; which I did – I just wasn’t sure what I should say.

“So have you worked it out?” I managed to ask him, trying to say the right, helpful, things. “Why you keep doing it?”

There was a long silence, while Gerard battled with his demons and his pride; finally, he let out a long breath and answered in a tiny voice.

“I’m addicted to it. That’s why.”

“So I guess this means you’ve decided to stop?” I asked tentatively, not wanting to lose the progress that he had made spontanteously during the day.

“Well,” Gerard paused, then smiled as a determined look came into his eyes, “I guess it does.”

I was about to congratulate him, and remind him how all his friends would be there for him, when the cellphone I’d borrowed from the guys buzzed in my pocket, giving me a fright until I realised what it was.

Knowing that it could only be Mikey, I didn’t even answer it myself, just handed the still-ringing phone to Gerard, and started off towards where the road met the boardwalk.

And though it had been a long, exhausting, confusing day – the kind of day I only seemed to have when I hung around with Gerard or the guys – I was glad; glad that Gerard had started to face his demons; glad that Mikey and Frank and the others didn’t have to worry about him anymore; and glad that I had got to hang out with them again, even if it had to be under such desperate circumstances.