Never Again

“...are you still alright?”

I heard the end of a quiet, muttered conversation, as Mikey and Alicia walked down the hallway. I waited until they had noticed I was there, before walking up and smiling at Alicia, who was still looking very anxious.

“Are you okay?” I asked, concerned.

She nodded, while Mikey, sensing her discomfort, filled in her silent statement.

“She’s just a little shy - ‘cause she hasn’t actually met the guys before, y’know?”

I nodded, understanding that she must be a fan of the band, as well as Mikey’s girlfriend. I knew that that could be very confusing if you hadn’t met the rest of the guys before.

“Its okay - they don’t bite... most of the time...” I grinned as she came close to smiling.

“Okay... but, uh, Amber...?” She bit her lip, obviously trying not to say the wrong thing, whatever that was.

“Yeah?”

“Could you, like, introduce me to the guys? ...I think you would probably give me a much better idea of what the guys are really like than Mikey would.”

I let out a laugh as I glanced over at Mikey’s mortified expression before I answered; “Sure I can! Come on, we’ll go join in, and you’ll see they’re totally harmless.” I stuck my tongue out at Mikey as we walked away. “Sorry, Mikey - you’ll have to wait until later to get your date back!”

I led Alicia into the lounge, where we were met by the sight of Frank crash tackling Bob. Backing carefully away, I turned my charge towards Ray, who was watching the battle between Gerard and Bandit on the videogame.

“Hey, Amber, Alicia.” He smiled at us, and I was thankful that at least one of the guys was - almost - normal.

“Hi, Ray. I promised Ash I’d introduce all you guys, so I figured I’d start with you. You’re sort of normal.” I grinned.

“Thanks for the compliment.” He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. He then turned towards Alicia, smiling as he held out his hand. “Hi. It’s nice to meet you. ...and we have heard a lot about you from Mikey, but it’s only been good stuff. Really, just good stuff... like how you managed to beat him in that pizza eating competition.” He grinned.

My jaw dropped as I turned to stare at Alicia, who had turned an amazing shade of red.

“You what?” I burst out laughing as I realized that there was more to this girl than met the eye.

“Well...” She started to look a little scared again, before seeing the joke was on her and laughing with the rest of us.

“Come on,” I said, “I’ll introduce you to Gerard and then we’ll go find out if Frankie killed Bob or what.”

She nodded, but I noticed that she became a little more nervous at the mention of his name. I decided I had to ask her what was wrong, before Gerard really insulted her - without meaning to, of course.

“What’s up?” I raised an eyebrow at Alicia, “You seem a bit nervous... especially around Gerard...”

“I’m just a little nervous,” she admitted with a sigh, fiddling with the bottom of her shirt, “I’ve been a fan of the band for ages, and... the truth is, Amber, I don’t want any of the guys to think I’m just a fan-girl or anything. Especially Gerard – I mean, Ray was nice, and I know Mikey knows better, but Gerard really doesn’t seem to like me,” she bit her lip, before sighing, and finishing her sentence in a tiny voice. “So I’m just worried that he thinks I’m just using Mikey, when I’m really not.”

“Is that it?” I almost laughed in relief. “Come on, he’s really not going to think that - you’ll be fine. I promise!”

Smirking, I led Alicia over to the corner, where Gerard was just then being leapt on by Frankie.

“Hey, Gee? Frankie?” I called over the noise of wrestling and laughing, which didn’t work. “Boys!” I yelled.

“What?” Frankie and Gerard both froze instantaneously... at the wrong time.

Alicia giggled as Frank fell face first onto the carpet - aided by a badly hidden shove from Gerard.

“What did I do!?!” He gasped, his eyes wide, and I was reminded of a friend’s comment a few weeks ago - ‘You don’t need kids - you have five to look after already!’ - it was definitely true.

Gerard was now sitting on top of Frankie, holding him down on the floor. As I came back to reality, I just caught the tail end of his sentence.

“...admit it! You got me in trouble with that!”

Frankie grunted, breathing taking a lot of effort, obviously. He had a never-say-die expression on his face and whatever was going on; he didn’t want to admit to it.

“If I wasn’t so short, you would be so dead right now!” He threatened ineffectively.

“Problem is, Frankie-boy, you are so short!” Gerard retorted, always witty.

“Enough, boys.” Even though I was younger than most of the guys, I always felt like I was the oldest, by far, when they started playing up.

“Now, Gerard. What did Frank do this time?” I started to mediate, forgetting Alicia for the moment.

“He got me in trouble - he wrote the, uh… phrase, on my coffee.” Gerard smirked, smug as he had a thought. “And you didn’t believe me!” He stood up, crossing his arms, and I knew I was in for it now.

“Wait! Wait - time out!” I yelled, turning to Alicia, who was still standing, dumbfounded, beside me. “I actually came over so that Ash here could talk to you guys.”

Gerard glared suspiciously at me, and I was thankful that I had a good reason to get out of the play fight. They usually ended up with somebody getting hurt.

But, before we go any further, it’s probably about time I told you something about the friendships between the guys and I. We’re constantly mucking around, play fighting and wrestling, but it’s always in fun. From an outsiders point of view - like poor Alicia, for example - it looked like the guys were always beating each other up, but they were really very close. It’s one of the reasons we’re all best friends.

I was hoping that Alicia wouldn’t get scared away by the boys’ boisterousness, because she seemed to be one of the nicest girlfriends that Mikey had ever had... not that that number is very large, but the point stands that Alicia’s nice.

I made a point of telling Mikey that as they were leaving, but at the time, it was an occasion to party. Bandit was almost due to go to bed, and then we would turn the music up and talk about anything and everything non-serious.

But, for now, I’m talking about Alicia meeting Gerard for the first - official - time.

I was glad, when Gerard shrugged our disagreement off, and nodded at Alicia.

“Hi, Ash. Uh, I'm sorry about before - I didn’t mean to be... insulting - I’m usually quite nice.”

I snorted in disbelief, but quickly changed my expression to one of innocent agreeance, as he fixed me with an ‘I’ll-get-you-later’ gaze. It was one of his specialties, especially when it came to me.

“Hi.” Alicia smiled shyly, accepting his apology. “It’s okay... I'm just not too good with meeting people for the first time.” She was saved from elaborating as Mikey walked up beside her, slipping his hand into hers as she smiled up at him. It was quite adorable, really.

“Have you been scaring my girlfriend, Gerard?” He raised an eyebrow at his brother.

“No!” Gerard replied, before muttering, “Frankie started it!”

“You can’t always blame it on my boyfriend!” I said, insulted.

“Oh, yes I can!”

“Wanna make a be-“

“Now, now, children. I just wanted to ask if I could have my date back yet.” Mikey interrupted our childish argument.

“She hasn’t met Bob yet, but I think he’s busy, anyway. You’ll meet him later, Ash... he doesn’t like being interrupted in the middle of his videogames.” I nodded my head at Bob, who was right then in the middle of a big drum solo, as Bandit sang on the Xbox game.

“Okay. Does that mean I can go?” Alicia asked, sounding like a child as she glanced over at me.

“Of course you can go! You don’t have to ask me.” I shook my head in disbelief. This girl really needed to get out more - but then again, that meant that she was a perfect match for Mikey.

“Oh... yeah.” Alicia smiled, an impish grin that didn’t seem to appear often, unless she was with Mikey. Like I said before, seeing the way those two looked at each other was adorable.

Alicia and Mikey walked off hand in hand; looking like two young lovers just out of school… except Mikey was a lot worldlier than he made out: and I had the feeling that Alicia was the same.

“My baby brother’s fallen in love... how cute.” Gerard grinned wryly, but I knew he was happy for Mikey.

“Come on, you were just as dopey when you were with...” Frankie stopped short, realizing that he was going into dangerous and forbidden territory with his statement.

You see, Gerard’s wife; Bandit’s mother, had died a few years ago, and it was an unspoken rule with us that nobody talked about her - and definitely not when Bandit was in the room. Gerard himself had never talked to anyone about it - not even me, and I’d already seen him through one of the toughest times of his life

For the first year or so after it happened, all of his friends had tried to get him to open up about it, but each time he just got moody and tended to do dangerous things.
After the time he had smashed his car and got himself admitted into hospital, no one dared to talk about it.

So now, we were both watching Gerard’s face carefully, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. Frank and I were let in on its heavily guarded secrets a moment later, as his eyes turned sad and he smiled wistfully.

“I know.” He spoke quietly, and I sensed that it was a big breakthrough for him. I also knew that he must be so very happy for Mikey, to be able to compare his relationship with Bandit’s mother with Mikey’s relationship with Alicia.

He didn’t hang around for long, though, and soon he moved away, slipping away up the stairs to the second floor. He obviously thought that no one had seen him, but I had kept an eye out for him since Frankie’s blunder.

Easing away from the party, which was now in full swing, I walked quietly up to the second floor, following Gerard. I caught a glimpse of his black coat as I passed the door to the balcony, which was open, and slowed to a halt. He was just sitting on the edge of the balcony, staring out across the bright city lights. I waited for a few moments, giving him some time to himself, before I stepped out into the dark.

“Gerard?” I whispered.

He stiffened for a second, but then slumped down, and I knew he had been crying. I walked over to him, pulling myself up to sit on the balustrade next to him. His face was wet, and as I came closer, he turned his head away.

We didn’t speak for a time, just sitting there watching the moon as it made its journey across the sky. Far below us, it seemed, the sounds of music and happy talking filtered through to us.

Gerard was somewhere far away, thinking of the woman whom he had finally found to make his life complete; the woman who was so suddenly taken away, just a few years into what was supposed to be eternity.

Suddenly, he broke. The tears and hurt he had been holding onto for all the years came out, and he wept like a child.

“Why, Amber? Why did it have to happen to her? We were so happy...”

All I could do was hold him as he cried for lost love, and for the baby who was now a child, destined never to know her mother. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him that everything would be okay. Who was to tell if anything could be okay? Life was often cold and cruel, and all I could do was to remind him he had beautiful little girl waiting inside, to live on in memory of her mother. It wasn’t enough to make up for his loss, but life has to go on.

I held him as he cried, for what seemed like hours, but what, in reality, must have been only a few minutes. In time his breathing slowed, and I could feel him calming down. I held his hand as he sat in shock, waiting for him to be able to talk.

He didn’t get a chance, as Frankie, realizing we were missing all the fun, came out to the balcony.

“Hey… Gerard? Amber?” He called softly.

I glanced back, not sure what to say, but nodded at Frankie, to let him know that it was gonna be okay. Gerard hadn’t looked around at first, but as Frankie started to stutter over an apology, he turned with a small, forced smile on his face.

“It’s okay, man. I’ll be fine.”

Frank stopped short, surprised at Gerard’s sudden change in reaction. On the other hand, though, it had been almost three years since anyone had mentioned Bandit’s mother around him. That counts for a lot of thinking time.

Frank was still standing silently by the railing, as Gerard spoke again.

“I... I never talked about... her, because I couldn’t deal with the fact she... she’s never coming back...” He took a long, ragged breath, before staring out above the city again. “But, seeing Mikey so happy... it brought back memories. The times we were so happy...” He trailed off as his eyes filled with tears.

“I know. I'm sorry I brought it up...” Poor Frankie still thought it was his fault.

“Frank.” Gerard’s voice was strong again, for a moment. “Stop worrying about me, okay? I... I was already thinking of her before you said anything.” He took a moment, and a deep breath, before continuing. “What I’ve been trying to say... what I should have said a long time ago, was thank you,” he smiled weakly at us, “Thank you for being there for me all this time, and for tonight.”

For a moment, he seemed back to his old self, but then he looked away, and I could see the tiredness and sadness still in his eyes. He would probably never let go of his loss, but at least now he had released some of the anger that he had kept inside, all of these years.

We sat in quiet companionship for a few more minutes, before I decided it was time to go.

“Guys?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s probably about time we went inside - before everyone else starts wondering where we are.” I dropped myself down from the railing and dusted off my jeans.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Frankie glanced at Gerard, who looked like he needed a few more minutes to himself.

“We’ll go down now... are you gonna be alright?” I asked, still a little concerned for his mental health.

He nodded, so Frank and I slipped quietly away, leaving Gerard to himself for a while. We got to the top of the stairs, before I realized just how emotionally drained I really was. I can only imagine how Gerard must have felt.

Sitting on the top step, I felt a comforting arm around me, as Frankie sat next to me.

“Are you okay? You feel cold.”

I suddenly realized that I did feel very cold, inside and out. I also thought of how lucky I was to have Frank for my boyfriend: he was one of the most caring guys you could find.

“I’m okay.” I leaned in closer, feeling as if I could fall asleep right then and there, “I’m just a little tired.”

Frank nodded, before resting his chin on my head.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” He said, after a short silence,

“No.” I shook my head a little, trying not to move from my warm patch on the landing.

“Yes, you are - you’ll go through hell for your friends, and still keep going afterwards.” Frank’s voice was choked up with emotion, as if he was almost crying.

“I dunno... it’s just what anyone else would do for their friends...”

“No, it’s not. I’ve seen what you’ve gone through, with Gerard especially, and even though you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him.-“

“-actually, second to Bandit...” I cut in.

“Fine, second to Bandit - but the point is, you’ve done a great job, and I don’t want you making yourself sick over this, okay?”

He was serious, I noticed.

“Please, just promise me you won’t, okay?”

I didn’t know why this meant so much to him - why I meant so much to him, but it was nice to know he cared.

“Okay, Frank. I won’t.” I rested my head on his shoulder, tired of thinking.

“That’s good.” Frankie whispered, holding me tight, as a single warm teardrop fell on my shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

That’s how Gerard found us, still sitting on the stairs, minutes later. By this stage, I was almost asleep, and so I only noticed that somebody was standing there when Frank moved a little to talk to him. I missed part of the conversation as I lay there half asleep, but caught the end of it, as Gerard spoke quietly.

“Is she okay?”

I felt Frank nod, before he replied.

“She’s tired, but I think she’ll be alright.”

“I’ve gotta go, so that Bandit can go to bed at home, but could you tell her, if she wakes up, that I’ll be back sometime tomorrow... and that I'm sorry… about everything.”

Frank nodded again, and I heard no more after that. The last thing I remember was being carried to my bed by Frank, and the goodnight kiss on my cheek, as he left the room.