Never Again

The next morning I had woken up with a start, the previous evening’s incident flashing like a black and white film before my eyes as I remembered what had happened.

“Shit.” I cursed myself about my haphazard, and probably dangerous, way of ‘sorting things out’, before wandering cautiously out to the lounge.

The makeshift bed was empty.

I cursed again, and was about to try and tell myself that last night was an unusual, and very realistic dream, when I heard a small sound from behind me.

“Hello?” I called down the hallway of my little apartment - there was no reply, so I walked slowly down the passage, checking in each door as I passed.

I got to the bathroom, when the sound came again - the sound of somebody being sick. I paused outside the door, not sure at all about what I was to do.

‘Damn it,’ I thought, ‘just walk in there, will you?’

I know, I know - talking to yourself; abusing yourself, is one of the first signs of madness. I didn’t care. After a second, I took a breath and gently pushed open the door. The sink was tucked out of sight behind a corner, so all I could see from the doorway was the tail of someone’s coat - the same dusty, dirty black one that Gerard had been wearing the previous night.

“Uh… hello?”

The sound of spitting could be heard, and I winced involuntarily. I couldn’t even imagine what he must be feeling like, after his state last night.

After a moment, there was silence. Then, I heard him groan as he stood up.

“Where am I?” He sounded disoriented, as if he had no idea where he was… which he probably didn’t.

“You’re in Melbourne, in the CBD. In my house.” I sounded almost as confused, though I didn’t feel as sick - luckily.

“And who are you?” Gerard’s hungover and haggard-looking face suddenly appeared disturbingly close to my own as he moved around the partition, causing me to jump backwards into the hard corner of the doorway.

“Ow!... What? Oh… uh, I’m Amber.” I was feeling more than a little uncomfortable, as I wondered what Gerard remembered from last night, and what he thought might have happened.

“Amber…” Gerard looked thoughtful, as if he was trying to work out if he knew me. “Have we met before, that I don’t remember? And, uh… what happened last night?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but was hushed by the look on his face - I didn’t want to know what a man thought when he woke up from a drunken stupor - in a woman’s apartment.

Eventually, though, I managed to get together the words to explain what had happened.

“Nothing - nothing happened. I, uh… I just found you lying, drunk, out on the street, and brought you in here - where you wouldn’t get hurt.”

“But… why would you do that? Wha-”

I didn’t hear what the rest of his statement was going to be, as I reddened, and answered his first question.

“I saw your license, in your wallet… I knew who you were then, and, well, I couldn’t just leave you out there.” I stuttered over my explanation, as I tried not to sound like a fan-girl, overwhelmed by the presence of their idol.

“Why were you looking in my wallet?”

Gerard seemed to have so many questions, and it was only now that I fully realized how much of last night was simply erased from his memory. Which was probably a good thing, considering that before I found him, he may have done almost anything.

“I needed to find out who you were. To get help… ‘cause I was a med student I knew what to do. I…” I realized I was rambling, and stopped short, blushing red.

“Okay…” He held his head in his hands, and suddenly I realized we were still standing in the bathroom like complete idiots. One of us, anyway.

“Um…here, come out to the kitchen, and I’ll get you some Panadol...” I rubbed the back of my head where it had hit the wooden doorway, and stepped aside to let him pass.

“Yeah, uh, I’ll be there in a minute - uh, could I use your phone? I can’t seem to find mine…” He squinted into the bright morning light shining down the hallway of my apartment.

“Sure… if you go down to the last door there, that’s the kitchen. I’ll go grab the phone.” I walked off without even checking that he was walking the right direction.

There was a strange surrealistic sense around that morning; something that made me feel like if I looked too hard at things they might just disappear. So, I wasn’t going to try and figure this all out, not just yet.

I found the handset for my phone lying on the coffee table, and grabbing it, walked back towards the kitchen; moving as if in a dream. Pausing in the doorway to the kitchen, I spent a moment trying to steady my hands, which I only now realized were shaking, almost uncontrollably.

I needed coffee; or perhaps a long, long nap. But, with no end to the chaos in sight, I walked gingerly back into the kitchen.

Gerard jumped as the door clicked shut, the sound probably echoing like thunder in his hungover head.

“So… you’re really Gerard Way?” I asked as I set the phone on the table and sat opposite him; before grimacing as I thought about what I had actually said.

“Yes… unfortunately.” A small wry smile, and that was all.

I sighed and bit the bullet - if he didn’t answer, then at least I knew I would never have to worry about ever seeing him again.

“Um… if you don’t mind me asking - what happened last night? By the time I found you, you were out of it.”

A pained expression formed on his face, but disappeared as quickly as it came, hidden as Gerard started to speak.

“Well…” He hesitated, before stopping completely and putting his cup on the sink.

“I really have to go.” He said abruptly, turning as he picked up the phone and walked to the window to talk. He started to dial, but hung up on the phone as he turned, a little sheepishly, I thought. “Uh… what’s the address here? I’m just gonna call someone to pick me up.”

I told him, and he picked up the phone again - but stopped.

“Look, I… you’ve been really good to me, and I - well, I haven’t.” He sighed. “I just wanted to say thank you, for helping me out, and all.”

I bit my lip, trying to work out what I was supposed to say back.

“That’s okay…” I was about to add that I would have done it for anyone, but then I realized it wasn’t true - I would have taken anyone else to a hospital.

Luckily, I didn’t have to say anything, for by this time Gerard had finished dialing the number and was talking animatedly to the person on the line. I walked to the other side of the room, and tried not to listen, but occasional snatches of Gerard’s side of the conversation filtered through.

“…it was stupid, I know…”

“…I’ll tell you later, okay?”

“…yeah - look, will you just come and get me! Shit, I’m supposed to be…”

“…I don’t care what she said - she can go jump for all I care!”

“…fine…”

This was obviously the end of the conversation, as he hung up the phone; a little shaky as he handed it back to me. He walked to one of the chairs in my lounge room and, without saying a word, sat down with his face in his hands.

I was about to leave him alone for a while, before I noticed a single tear run down his face. I paused in the doorway, hesitant to interfere in business that was not my own. In the end, I sighed, before walking quietly to the other couch and sitting myself down.

There was a moment of silence, before Gerard looked over at me; a quick glance before looking away so I couldn’t see he was crying.

“Did you want to talk?” I asked quietly - I didn’t have much experience with celebrities, but I could handle sorrow.

He shook his head, still silent, but a moment later he could no longer hold his grief back. Without knowing why he was so upset, I couldn’t really comfort him, but once his tears were finished, he looked up at me.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”’ he wiped his eyes on his grubby jacket, surprising me with how childlike he appeared.

“It’s okay.” I gave him what I hoped was a comforting smile. “Sometimes you just have to cry…” I paused, biting my lip,”…are you sure you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong? You might feel better.” I smiled as I remembered saying those very words to my best friend when we were both teenagers.

“No,” Gerard looked up, shaking his head as he smiled weakly at me. “I’m sure… thanks anyway.”

Just then, a knock sounded on the door, making me jump.

Automatically walking to the door, I didn’t even think of the possibility that whoever it was were here to pick Gerard up.

I opened the door, freezing as I saw who was standing there - Ray Toro and Frank Iero!

‘Right. Of course: they must be here to pick Gerard up. Just calm down and play it cool…’ My thoughts raced, with what seemed like more than enough shocks to last a lifetime - in one day.

“Uh, hi?” I managed to say without squeaking too much.

“Um, is Gerard here?” Frank answered hesitantly, concern showing on his face.

For a second all I could think of was the fact that Frank Iero, Ray Toro, and Gerard Way were all in my house! But I quickly snapped myself out of it, and nodded them in.

“Yeah - he’s in the lounge.” I showed them through to where Gerard was still sitting in the lounge room, more composed than when I had left him.

As they walked through, I hung back on the doorway, the reality of the past 24 hours beginning to hit me like a brick. When it was just Gerard, it was okay - I could pretend that he was just some guy whom I had an obligation to help; but to see three members of a very famous band - one of my favourite bands, no less - well, that was almost more than I could take.

Backing away from the discussion, which was quickly starting to heat up, I found myself in the kitchen, where I set about making myself a coffee. The simple, familiar process comforted me.

I sat and listened as the three men talked, until only a soft hum of the voices could be heard. I had almost mustered up the courage to go out and see what was going on, when the door opened.

I glanced up, to see Ray standing there. Weariness showed in his every feature - even depressing his usually exuberant orange curls. He looked like he wanted to talk, so I motioned for him to sit down on one of the chairs. Nodding his thanks, he began.

“So, uh… Who are you?”

Had anyone else asked me that question that way, in any other situation, I would have been offended - but not today.

“I’m Amber, Amber Freeman.”

“Hi, Amber. I’m- Well, you probably know who I am, judging by the look on your face.”

“Ray Toro, correct?” I blushed a little, wondering if I was really that obvious.

“Yeah,” he nodded, smiling a little, before becoming suddenly serious. “So, what happened last night - how did you find Gerard?” He frowned, unable to make sense of any of the information he had.

So I told him my story, all of the way from coming home late from work, to dumping Gerard on the sofa. For the sake of human decency, I left out his crying fit and bad mood.

Ray listened carefully while I spoke, nodding in understanding as the story emerged. As I finished, he held out is his hands in a placatory gesture.

“I’m really sorry you had to see him like that - he’s not usually quite so, uh… so drunk.”

I nodded, understanding - but, throughout all of the mystery, I had no idea what was really going on. Now it was my turn to start asking questions.

“So, that’s what happened after I found him, but what was he doing getting smashed in that bar anyway?”

Ray quickly glanced behind him, but Frank and Gerard were still talking in the lounge. He sighed and lowered his voice.

“I guess you deserve to know… you won’t tell anyone, will you?”

I shook my head - no.

“Well, you would probably know how Gee was engaged to Kay?”

“Yeah…”

Ray sighed, checking again to make sure that the other two men were busy.

“Last night, she… she ran off with another guy.”

I gasped, involuntarily looking towards the lounge room door. In public announcements, Gerard had always been clear with how much in love he was with this woman. For her to do what she did would’ve almost tipped him over the edge… or maybe it had.

“I know,” Ray nodded, seeing I understood. “That’s why he took off - we’ve all been out looking for him last night.”

“All? Is the whole band in town?” I frowned, not remembering seeing any Melbourne venue on their latest tour list.

“Yeah... we’re on a vacation - or we were, anyway.” He grimaced and nodded towards the door, just as it opened and Gerard appeared, followed closely by Frank.

“Uh, we’re ready to go, Toro.” Gerard was attempting to sound normal, but his strained smile was painfully obvious. “And, uh, thanks again, Amber. It was… nice to meet you - just would have been better in some other circumstances…”

I nodded at them all, as Ray got up to leave.

“Thanks for your help, Amber.” Ray smiled at me tiredly.

“No worries.” I smiled back, but I didn’t really mean it. The day had just been too strange, and I was almost waiting to wake up, in my bed.

I walked Gerard, Frank and Ray to the door of my apartment, and watched them walk down the stairs in a single file, yawning and rubbing my eyes as I walked back inside. That was a day I would never forget, and it wasn’t even noon yet.