Sweet Blood

He looked like he wanted to slap me, like he wanted me to hurt.
They way I just made him hurt.
He did, he raised his hand and slapped me.
The sweet taste of my blood filled my mouth, he shoved me back down in the snow.
I didn't want to move, and I had no reason to.
The guy I’m 99.9% sure I love is more or less dead, and the guy who dragged me through all this, cheated on me, and still said he loved me, just got killed on the inside by me.
Why bother getting up, why save the world from evil? Why do fucking anything anymore…

I wanted to love him, I really did, I couldn’t think of anything. I did love Gerard, I did. He cheated on me, turned his back on me, turned me into a monster, a horrible creature. I don’t deserve love or happiness… I’m just a monster…

I knew they wouldn’t leave without me, they couldn’t… I knew if I ran they’d follow me.
I wanted so badly to tell him I was sorry, that I didn’t mean it, but I didn’t want to lie, or rather tell the truth… I didn’t know what anything was, and it hurt.

I was laying in the snow, the body of a guy I think I was in love with before he died giving his life for a guy who screwed us both over… and I just told that same guy, who even after hurting me I forgave him, I loved him, that I have never loved him, and that I hated him. It wasn’t true, I didn’t hate him, I hated myself, I did love him, and I thought I still did, at least a little bit.

I rose from my place in the snow…a tear threatened to fall from my eye; I couldn’t let it not yet…
“Gerard?” I choked out, blood trickling out of my mouth, “Can I please speak to you, in private…?” He looked at me with his tear filled puppy dog eyes.
“Mikey, can you guys go, we’ll catch up.”