Just to Live

It felt too soon. Her parents’ relationship was stronger than she last remembered. Erika wasn’t crying or going through separation anxiety from Tabitha. Tabitha was happy, content, ecstatic, joyful, lively, merry, mirthful, thrilled, upbeat, whatever words were linked with happy. The other girls in the mansion could no longer bother her. She ignored their existence, realizing that they were very jealous beings and therefore, they weren’t good friends. She liked the flow of things going in her life so far.

For her 20th birthday, Matthew wanted his girlfriend all to himself. In the few years that he knew her, he was never able to set up a birthday celebration for her. What he planned wasn’t too extravagant like he had hoped for, but he believed she would love his idea. He took her to the beach at night and made a small bonfire so they wouldn’t have to shiver from the cold air.

He was right to think Tabitha would appreciate his idea. She loved the idea of a bonfire, stating that she never attended one, but she always wanted to go. If she had never been to the beach until Matthew took her, it made perfect sense that she wasn’t able to experience a bonfire.

While they were there, they roasted hot dogs over the fire and star gazed. Matthew even threw in stupid and funny road stories from his touring days to hear her laugh without restrictions. He’d do anything to keep a real smile on her face.

Soon after they devoured their slightly burnt hot dogs, Matthew took out the marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers. He knew if he failed so epically with their superb and awesome entrée, then he could make up for it by making his famous non-burnt s’mores.

Tabitha watched in mouth-watering anticipation as Matthew fixed her a s’more. The second she took a bite into it, she opened her mouth again to chomp on the rest of the delicious treat.

“Success!” Matthew declared with a fist pump towards the air.

“You’re stupid,” Tabitha said through a mouthful.

“Says the one with white stuff in their mouth,” he teased.

“Your mom!”

“Sorry can’t hear you.” He went back to heating up another marshmallow, this one for himself. When he pulled the marshmallow out of the fire to check if it was roasted enough for him, Tabitha tackled him to the sand; the marshmallow landed back into the fire with the metal rod he used as a skewer.

“It’s not nice to be perverted,” Tabitha said, tapping Matthew’s forehead gingerly.

“My marshmallow,” he pouted.

“Aw I’m sorry. How can I make it better?”

“Can I have a kiss please?”

Tabitha gave him a kiss on the cheek. He pouted even more and pointed to his lips. She pouted too and shook her head. He had no idea why she did that until she began tickling the hell out of him. If they weren’t so close to the fire, he would’ve pushed her away. But since they were, he laughed and blindly tried to find her hands to hold them still. When he finally did accomplish, Tabitha gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

She stood up, walked over to the cooler, and pulled out another rod and a marshmallow, thinking that if she made Matthew a s’more he wouldn’t try to tickle her later.

After they finished with their five-star dessert, they sat huddled next to each other, watching the still burning fire. No one said anything, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Tabitha was afraid to open her mouth. She wanted the night to last forever so she wouldn’t have to worry about anything else in her life. She was perfectly fine with staying at the beach with Matthew. However, it wouldn’t be fair to him if she kept him in the dark. She trusted him the most; she had to tell him.

“Matt, I’m going to college,” she told him. They turned to look each other in the eyes at the exact same time. He saw the clarity in her eyes, she wasn’t faltering. He wouldn’t be able to change her mind.

“Are you serious?” he muttered.

“Yes. I’m majoring in psychology.”

He pretended to be happy for her. It was harder than expected. “That’s great. I’ll work something out so you can keep your job.”

“Matt, no.” She shook her head, putting her hands on his shoulders. “I quit this time, for good. I’m going to live with my family while I finish college.”

He frowned and couldn’t look into her intense gaze any longer. “But didn’t you say they were gonna leave you behind…”

“Yeah. I talked to my dad about my mom and he told me he never agreed to that. She was being selfish.”

“Can you stand living with her?”

“I think I can.”

“You’re leaving for good?” He refused to accept he was losing her. He refused.

“I’m not sure.”

“Tabby, what about us?”

She wanted to cry so badly. She didn’t want to tell him the truth. He was so blissfully ignorant and she didn’t want to rain on his parade. “You don’t understand that I’m 20, 12 years younger than you. Your life is stable, mine isn’t. I want to explore the world. Okay, not really, but I want to make something of myself. Being a maid my entire life won’t make me happy.”

“You weren’t going to have to work. Remember you were going to live in a condo with me when I found one I liked.”

“And do nothing to fulfill my life? No thank you. I’m leaving in one week…”

If Tabitha’s mother and sister decided to stay at the mansion, Tabitha wouldn’t have decided to leave. She couldn’t blame anyone though. She owned up to her own responsibilities.

Matthew swallowed thickly, feeling a lump in his throat. He knew what that meant. If he allowed himself to cry, he wouldn’t be able to stop. “And that’s…it?” he whimpered.

She sighed. “I don’t know if it is.”

He closed his eyes, speaking to the air. “I have a feeling you won’t come back.”

“I don’t know if I will.”

She couldn’t determine a positive or negative answer for him. Her answers were in between. That’s how he knew she didn’t want to leave him, but wanted to in order to seek her happiness. It made him feel a little better to know that she was struggling with her own decisions.

“How about I give you time to yourself? Then we’ll see,” he offered. He had no idea what he meant with his suggestion. He only said it because it left room for a “what if.” What if she decided that she hated college? What if she decided she couldn’t live without him? What if she so willingly returned to him, promising to never leave him again? What if?

“That sounds good,” Tabitha replied, but she knew she wasn’t going to change her mind about anything.

It hurt both of them to come to terms that there was a chance they wouldn’t be together again. However, they understood that sometimes to go farther in life, they had to leave things and people behind. It wasn’t because they wanted to, but because it had to happen if both parties wanted happiness in the long run.

“Okay,” he agreed, hugging her. “I told you great things would happen to you,” he mused, remembering when he said it.

She smiled half-heartedly. “I guess. Here’s your necklace and earrings back.”

Boy did that hurt him. How could she give back the things he bought for her? He spent so much time picking those pieces of jewelry out for her. By her giving back the gifts he bought her meant she didn’t want any type of reminder that she was once his. But he knew that wasn’t her reason. She wanted to give the necklace and earrings back because she felt she no longer had the right to own them.

“No, keep them. A blue diamond is extremely rare. You’re extremely rare, one of the last of your kind, the noble and selfless kind. Stay that way,” he whispered. He reached for her hand and kissed it.