This War Paint

Butch


She was shooting me nervous glances, and not the kind of nervous looks I was used to getting. Normally it was a shallow fear I saw splashed all over peoples’ meticulous faces, as if I might be tempted to lure them somewhere deserted or, Heaven forbid, talk to them so everyone else assumed we were friends. No, Jane’s eyes were nothing like that as they burned into me whenever she thought I wasn’t looking. She seemed beaten down with worry, nervous about something I couldn’t place, and it was without thinking that I stretched over the space between us to rest a hand over her jittery one.

I was probably still grinning like I had since she kissed my cheek, but I couldn’t help it. I had been waiting my whole life; it often felt like, a thousand years or more for her to lean into me like that. The trust I felt in her every angle meant more to me than a million faceless girls’ lips. It had almost been impossible to start the car as I had completely forgotten how to start a car.

Jane sighed when our skin touched for the umpteenth time that morning. I’d never get used to the way it sent tingles right down to my core and shivers passing over my skin like a sudden storm sweeping through. She had her pretty head leaning against the window, the sun streaming down and making her hair shine a colour so dangerous I almost couldn’t tear my eyes away.

She was like a tempest in the morning, all of a sudden overwhelming and too much. I wondered if anyone would ever be allowed to control her, for just a breath, for just a single moment amid a million more. Whoever that person was would be the luckiest son of a bitch alive.

I asked her if she was alright and got the same placated answer I was expecting. One day, I promised myself, she wouldn’t have to say that to me, she would want to let me come in for a moment for a peek at what was clouding up her mind. Then, I’d be allowed to save her from it all. I fancied myself as Jane Hathaway’s saviour.

Closing my hand subconsciously around hers, I sent her my best charming smile, one which I’d been hiding my whole life. She smiled back and I tried to pretend I couldn’t see the flicker in her eyes which told me something was very, seriously wrong. Because as much as I wanted to be her saviour right then, I knew she wouldn’t let me. I was still on the outside looking in even though I wanted to be there with her so badly I thought my wishing alone might make it right.

When we were a few blocks over from her house, I stopped down a quiet side road that didn’t see much activity on Saturday mornings. I had made it my mission in the last few years to know this town’s activity as well as I knew how many joints were stashed away in my glove compartment and how long it took for my body to notice when this girl was around me. It was imperative that I didn’t stop in front of the sheriff’s house and a necessity for when I wanted to disappear into nothing. I knew the best hiding spots, and they were normally always in plain sight.

There was a stiff, lengthy silence sitting in between us just as solidly as our entwined hands when I turned the engine off. Jane peered down at them as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was doing and I peered over at her as I couldn’t either.

My tempest.

“Are you sure you’re feeling well enough, Fraser?” she asked quietly, her voice unusually small. “You really weren’t meant to leave the hospital for another few days.”

“Fit as a fiddle, me,” I chuckled humourlessly, just wanting to draw her out from whatever she was smothered in.

“Please, I still remember how you were last night,” she shuddered and I watched the goose-bumps rise on her pale arms. I felt them too as my thumb slowly traced a circle on such delicate skin.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m just worried. What happened to you was a massive overdose and for a while I thought you weren’t going to be alright...”

I squeezed her hand and hoped with all my heart that this fear wasn’t really all to do with me. I couldn’t be the reason because otherwise it would kill me all over again. And I already hated myself enough for putting her through such hell for someone as selfish and self-absorbed as me.

“I’ve promised that won’t happen again, Jane, please believe me when I say those thoughts and feelings will never happen to you again,” I breathed, drawing her closer in my mind and kissing her with every inch of passion I possessed. I opened my eyes to look intently over, wishing I was that brave in real life. Wishing I was half the terrible man everyone assumed I was who wouldn’t think twice about taking this angel’s face into his hands and showing her why she should be with him.

“It’s been a long night,” she murmured, pulling her hand free “and we’re both exhausted.”

She didn’t quite believe me.

“I’ll take you home.”

“Wait,” as quick as lightning her hand was back touching me, placed precariously on my upper arm. I tensed beneath and prayed she didn’t feel the movement. She couldn’t know what she did to me. “I have somewhere for you to live for a while, until you can find another job and get a real place of your own.”

“You don’t have to-.”

“If you think for one second,” she cracked a half smile “that I would allow you to go back to living in your car after what has happened then you are seriously crazy. My neighbour across the street is away on business, as in business in a different country, and won’t be back to that house for at least another three months. I know it’s illegal but I also know you won’t mess anything up. It doesn’t make sense for you to go on sleeping outside when there’ s a perfectly decent, empty house right there.”

“I’ve never slept outside,” I corrected quickly, even if I was lying. It was a knee jerk reaction to anyone bringing up how I lived and it took me a while to let what she had truly said sink in. “I can’t do that, Jane. I’ll get you into trouble.”

She laughed like I had told her the funniest joke, hand still firmly on my arm.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight until you agree to it.”

She didn’t know how tempting her threat was. I had half a mind to take her up on that, let her sleep on me as we stayed in that car forever, forgetting the world outside the window forever. I could remember how amazing it felt holding her close to me and I could remember how horrible it was being apart from her. I didn’t want to ever let her out of my sight.

“I’ll only agree if you give me your best Jane Hathaway smile,” I bartered cheekily.

She raised an eyebrow at me but let her cheeks crack up anyway, splitting to allow her lips to tilt upwards. I saw right through it, though. It wasn’t what I was after. I wanted a smile just for me, not for anybody else, and this was her showman smile.

Before I could think over think what was happening, I rested my warm palm on her cool cheek. Her smile changed slowly, so slowly someone who didn’t know her might not have even noticed, until it was there, just right, all mine. She didn’t smile like this often but that made it a hundred times more special. I don’t think she even knew, but she was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes upon.

“What are you doing to me, Fraser?” she breathed out softly.

“Tell me what’s bothering you?” I countered as an answer. “I can see you’re worrying yourself to death over something.”

She just shook her head softly, my hand still cupping her face. She still didn’t want to tell me but I understood, whatever it was must have been great and grave, and I wasn’t close enough yet to tell. Still, our physical closeness was enough to be driving me insane, and still I wanted more.

Quite suddenly, she darted her eyes up into mine with an intensity I was unready for. She turned her face further into my palm so it was caressing her as lovingly as I had meant it to. Caught off guard, I let out a low moan and blushed a dark, dark red as she smiled sadly.

“I want you to know before things happen, before things change again, that I won’t change. Please... please when you hear rumours and stupid sayings don’t believe them until you come and speak to me first.”

Her pleading voice buried deep into my chest, shattering things as it went. I’d seen Jane vulnerable before, but never quite this desperate. She should have known that I hung off her every word, that I’d have fought anybody who told me an ugly rumour about her, that I never wanted her to change.

I smiled affectionately and nodded, as if I could ever have not given her what she wanted.

“You’re too good to me,” she sighed, squeezing her eyes shut as if fighting a losing battle with herself.

What bull shit, I thought.

Without another thought, and going off purely an overwhelming whim, I leaned forward over the gear stick until my breath fanned across her face. Her eyes remained closed tightly but there was a little quirk to her lips and a long, contented sigh which she couldn’t stifle in time. I breathed her in like this would be my final draw of breath and went for it.

My lips touched hers softly so the low hum of our first kiss wouldn’t echo around the silent car so deafeningly. Then I couldn’t help but wrap my arms right around her tiny waist, hoisting her up and into my lap so her legs lay sprawled back over her side of the car. I kissed her again, harder so she would definitely know that I was man enough to give her something to remember me by.

Her hands curled up and into my hair, tugging ever so slightly to the side as I delved in for the third time. She opened up like I was the only boy to ever have kissed her this way, and she sighed again like I would only ever be the only one. My heart palpated in my chest like I was having a heart attack, but I was wise enough to know it was just my every dream coming true.

I love you, I tried to say, but her lips stole my words.

She was kissing back now and we were both trying to pull the other ever closer. Her warmth was too hot but not hot enough at the same time, my arms coiling ever tighter around her body to try to rectify my every problem. She was always the only way to solve them, and I was the most happy right there with Jane tangled up within me.

If this is what it feels like to lose control then I’ll never try to keep it together again, I thought. Because it was everything I had ever imagined it could be. Fuck, I was melting into her like I was every cliché romance movies’ heroines with her hero, kissing under a blanket of new rain. My chest was bursting with joy and I could have stayed kissing her like that until the day dissolved into night-time. Until today dissolved into forever.

Jane pulled away finally but I didn’t let her retreat far, resting my forehead on hers as she slowly, tentatively opened her eyes. We stared at each other for so long I began to find new and even more beautiful features in her face. The extra freckle I had missed. The little dimple only visible from this close. I wondered what she was finding in mine, and if she could ever find me as lovely as I found her.

Not Butch, but possibly Fraser. And she had kissed me back, not pulled away or pushed me away, but kept her lips so firmly on mine I barely had to hold on.

“I’m sorry,” she said, suddenly looking like she was about to burst into tears. “I’m so sorry.”

I flinched and she jumped back over to her side of the car, pulling her seatbelt on with so much force I was surprised it didn’t lock. I was going to open my mouth to speak about it – about what had just happened – but Jane wouldn’t even look at me. I knew she was sorry because it was a mistake. I couldn’t hear her tell me that, though, it would break me completely. Just knowing was bad enough.

“I’ll take you home,” I bit out, feeling the burning desire to be back alone in my own car with my scratchy blanket and my sanity. Anywhere but beside the girl I had just kissed for the first time and was undoubtedly in love with. Because she wasn’t in love with me in return – her apology had been enough proof of that.

The drive was quick but agonising. Jane remained focused solely on the town rushing by outside and I was burning holes into the road before us. I didn’t regret what had just happened. Given those two minutes again, I wouldn’t have changed a thing, I may have just refused to let her escape me at all.

I parked the car in her drive, forgetting in my swift anger and all consuming hurt that her parents thought she was with her friend, certainly not with me. Jane didn’t seem to remember either as she finally turned to me, eyes still darting uncertainly, never focusing back into my eyes. I knew in less than thirty seconds she’d be in tears and I couldn’t help but reach out to try to make some of that remorse disappear.

When she cringed away, I bit my lip so hard it bled. Sucking it into my mouth, the metallic taste of blood washed away her taste and I could have cried myself.

“There’s a spare key around the back garden hidden under a small garden gnome. Please stay there at least until you feel completely better,” her eyes flickered up to mine “for me?”

I nodded stiffly and got out of the car, shutting the door behind me with too much care.

“Number 48,” were her parting words as she disappeared into her own house, number 36.

I didn’t look back as I crossed the road because I knew she’d be watching from somewhere. If I looked at her again, even just a small glance, I would come undone. Jane Hathaway had just ripped out my everything because, after that kiss which confirmed it all, she was my everything.