This War Paint

Jane


I hid successfully for the whole weekend. In between my house duties and the little free time left on my hands, I hid. I wasn’t proud, I was so past being ashamed, but I couldn’t face Fraser. Not since everything had changed between us in the car parked in the middle of a deserted street with the windows letting in too much sunlight.

I felt like I had been submerged in water my whole life and in those two minutes connected to his lips, I had taken my first large breath of air. I was terrified of the way things would never be the same and I was petrified that things would never be like that again. There was no doubt in my mind that I liked Fraser as more than a friend and as so much more than what he was always meant to be – an adversary.

But I couldn’t escape forever; this was a small town after all. Nothing stayed hidden for long, only the darkest secrets nobody had the stomach to share. David Armstrong was my darkest secret. His grabbing hands and eager breath and demanding eyes. I felt sick at the memory of him and sicker at the prospect of what I would have to do to keep his father quiet. Protecting my family and, suddenly, Fraser were so much more important than any little fear of mine.

Helen took the stairs two-at-a-time as she scrambled down to her boyfriend waiting patiently outside in his truck. I gripped my bag tighter, wanting so badly to say I was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it to school, but knowing this was not something I could run from while standing still. Or while lying covered in my bed covers.

The front door was flung open by an excited Helen as her white, blonde hair disappeared into Florence’s sunshine. I kissed my static mother’s cheek goodbye and hugged Dad close to me quickly before I followed. These things, simple things like our weekday morning routine, were enough to remind me of what I stood to lose. Mr Armstrong had too much over my head for me to ignore, no matter how much it killed me to do what he wanted.

Telling Fraser through some muddled riddle had been the hardest thing. Having his smooth palm cup my cheek as if I were the only girl in the world who mattered, and pleading with him not to believe what I was about to do. His lips on mine had shocked me when I had been expecting a harsh rebuttal. I was asking the impossible of him after all, I was asking him not to believe the truth.

Stepping outside and closing the door softly behind me, I was assaulted with all of my small town’s summer. Sunlight was streaming down onto me through thick tree branches, the sudden difference making me sneeze and bring a hand up to shield my burning eyes. I could hear my sister’s chatter from the roadside but there were too many figures there to be just her and James.

“Hey, why don’t you catch a lift with us? If you’re out of gas there’s no way you’ll have time to refuel and then get to school in time, and we’re all going to the same place, right?”

I knew that tone in my sister’s voice. She only talked to her boyfriend and our Dad like that, people she genuinely cared about, sometimes me if we were getting along. James was already in his car, though, and I was too far away to have even been noticed yet.

“I can walk just fine, Helen,” the smooth voice which sent excited shivers ricocheting all over my body replied. I glanced down at myself quickly, like a little girl on her first date, checking everything was in check. Skirt not too short, top not too low, hair kept swept off my neck as sweat already began to collect.

“Don’t be daft, there’s plenty of room in James’ tuck.”

I could tell from James’ grunt that he wasn’t happy about this situation, although exactly what part I couldn’t make out. Maybe it was Fraser’s reputation, maybe he didn’t want this criminal clogging up his air and leaving mess on his pristine truck. Or maybe he just didn’t like the fact his girlfriend was inviting another guy along with them. It was bad enough he had to give her older sister a lift too.

Gathering as much oxygen into my lungs as possible, I started for the road once again. I was fighting my blush the whole way because all my mind could think of was that kiss with Fraser and how good he looked staring unsurely at my sister. He never looked at me like that – he was always focused then. Always intent enough to have my knees going weak and hands unable to sit still.

“You should,” I said softly when I was close enough even though I wanted him to disappear almost as much as I wanted him to kiss me again. I was obviously a masochist who desired to make this thing with Fraser as painful as possible. Why else would I ask him to sit beside me in an enclosed space for ten minutes when all I was going to do was break his heart? And mine.

Because somewhere along the line my heart had become involved too.

“Jane?” Fraser wheeled around as if I had just touched him.

Our eyes met and it was as if the whole weekend wasn’t lying in between us anymore. As if I hadn’t been hiding at all. As if we’d just said goodbye after our kiss. As if I hadn’t run away.

“I’m glad you took my advice,” I said instead of what I really wanted to say. And I was glad that he had stayed in number 48 which lay almost always dormant and empty. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night knowing Fraser was out there in his car, all alone, especially so close to having taken an overdose. I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I was terrified he might try it again.

“So am I,” he smiled the smile which revealed the small dimples in both sides of his cheeks. I wondered quickly how anyone could ever hate this boy in front of me. He was tall and muscular and imposing but he had the cutest smile I had ever seen and the softest hands to have ever touched me.

It must have been obvious to Helen, who stood quietly in between us, that something had happened. Sure, she knew about his overdose and me taking him to the hospital and staying there with him but she had no idea that deep down inside her older sister something had changed. And the kiss we had shared in his car with nobody around was the most precious thing I suddenly had in a world which everyone seemed to be forgetting.

Or rather just my mother.

Sometimes it was hard to remember that the rest of the world wasn’t like the inside of our tiny house. And it was always impossible to remember that the rest of the world wasn’t like our stupid small town.

Fraser’s coal black eyes darted across my face as if he could see these thoughts in my head. He was worried and he had every right to be. The last time I had seen him, I had run away and apologised for something I should have thanked him for. He didn’t know if I was going to do the same now or curse him out or grab his face the same as he had gripped mine. Instead of doing any of these things, I shot him a small smile and moved into the back of James’ truck, casting out a greeting to him as I did so.

It was imperative that I let nobody guess what was going on between us and that included my baby sister. And her boyfriend. And the rest of the school. And the whole town. Burying it all somewhere along with my hip tattoo and David Armstrong, I settled my face into a mask I already knew nobody would be able to peek under.

Fraser shifted into the seat beside my own, both of us pressed against opposite doors as if the tension between us was a physical blockade. It may as well have been, although I wasn’t sure what kind of tension it exactly was. Untrusting of myself, I moved my hands to rest under my bare legs so they wouldn’t be tempted to reach over. Just for a little touch. Just to trace one of his many tattoos. Just to reassure us both that nothing had changed.

But everything had changed. And I was about to make it all so much worse.

“Thank you, Jane,” Fraser’s cool voice made me realise how parched I had been for it. He kept it low, though, so the couple up front wouldn’t overhear us.

“What for?”

“The place to stay – I realise it wasn’t the... safest decision to make, helping me out.”

I smiled despite myself and cast eyes over to him, finding him staring at me as intently as always. I didn’t know how he did that – maintained that level of interest all the time. Especially when talking to me.

“I wasn’t going to let you just sleep outside, in your car, especially now that you can’t afford gas,” I raised my eyebrows when he tried to say something, tried to cover up his embarrassment. He didn’t realise that I’d seen him raw. Or maybe he did and he just wanted to try and ask me to forget. “That’s why you’re in this car now, right? You used up the last of your petrol and since you lost your job you can’t afford to refill.”

It sounded so blunt laid out like that, and I blushed at the hurt look crossing Fraser’s face. I didn’t want to hurt him, God knows I didn’t, but there were walls which needed to be rebuilt and bridges which I had a duty to burn. Today I would approach David Armstrong who would undoubtedly know about his father’s blackmail, and tell him that I would pretend to be his girlfriend. I couldn’t bear to tell Fraser the truth and I couldn’t bear for him to hear the lie. Either way, I was about to ruin everything for somebody.

“It’s not that bad,” he protested quietly. “I can always walk.”

I sighed and turned to look out the window at Florence flashing by. It had always been that bad, and there was so much I knew he hadn’t told me, just by looking at him I knew. No sixteen year old boy left his house to sleep in his car because he just didn’t get on with his Dad.

“That would be stupid.”

“A lot of things in my life are stupid, Jane.”

“Yeah well they don’t have to be. You’re always making things harder for yourself,” I let the frustration seep into my voice. He must have known what I was silently saying. He must have known I was thinking about his overdose and the fact he never tried to dispute everyone’s’ perceptions, just rolled over and let them have their say.

“Are you seriously mad at me right now?”

I deliberately kept my eyes on the glass because a simple glance his way would be my undoing. I felt a warm hand brush over my fingers, and flinched at the sudden touch, instantly hating myself for reacting like that to him. I was hypersensitive right then; all of my emotions battling it out had me on edge. And David’s touch was too close to my consciousness for anyone to lay a finger on me.

Ripping away from me, Fraser took his hands back and groaned quietly. I almost broke listening to him blame himself. He was stupid, really, if he thought I would kiss him as I had Saturday and be mad at him on Monday, but then I was the stupid one. I was the one pushing him away to protect everyone involved. As much as I would have loved to keep Fraser with me, I knew if I was to protect my family from the cruel town’s speculation then I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair to him either and his feelings were overwhelmingly important.

“No, I’m not mad, I’m just done with this town,” I murmured.

“And you think I’m not?”

I stubbornly kept my face from his, knowing my eyes would give the game away.

“Jane,” he whispered, leaning across the empty seat between us, his voice a caress over James’ truck’s angry engine. “Look at me.” When I still refused he added the most heartbreaking please which I was powerless against.

“I hate this town with all that is in me, possibly more, and I swear to God that I’m getting out of here as soon as I get my scholarship. You know you can come with me if you want. You’ll always be able to come,” he had a finger tracing my cheekbone before my mind had caught up to his beautiful words.

I jerked back at Helen’s loud groan about not wanting to go into school. We were here already, far too soon, and James and Helen were evacuating the truck. Fraser grabbed my hand quickly and settled it against his cool lips. I took in a shuddering breath, knowing he knew I had hid from him and he didn’t care, knowing he meant what he said about taking me with him, knowing my feelings for him weren’t going to stay repressed.

“I have a few more hours’ detention after school but... well if you want you can come over to where I’m staying for a while tonight. I like being with you,” his hot breath washed over my knuckles as he planted another small kiss on my pale skin.

I was about to open my mouth, although I hadn’t a clue what I was going to say, when I was cut off by a sharp knock on my window. Whipping around, knowing we’d been caught, David Armstrong’s pretty face filled out all of the possible space, skewed into an ugly, jealous grimace.

Within a blur of seconds, my door was yanked open, my body taken out and two almost inhuman growls rolling over my head. I stumbled into David’s chest and gasped in a horrible roll of his cologne. Almost instantaneously, I started shivering violently and made to break free from his grip.

“Get your hands off her, Armstrong!” Fraser snarled, having abandoned the truck to stand menacingly only a metre away.

We were all stood in the parking lot and already the faces of curious onlookers were turned our way. Helen was stood crooked under James’ arm, looking as bewildered and lost as I felt. David and Fraser, however, looked like they knew exactly what they were doing, and what they wanted to do. Pummelling each other into mincemeat was obviously high on their agenda.

“Not again,” I moaned in frustration and fear, not knowing exactly which ‘again’ I was referring to.

“Come here, Jane,” Fraser stretched out his tattooed arms as if I could just walk right into them.

Had he forgotten where we were? Had he forgotten who we were with? I may have felt something for the boy but I had known my duty for much longer. Tarnish on me was tarnish on my family.

“She’s with me, Butch, and don’t you forget that. She may have had a funny, weird day on Friday but it’s okay now. We’re okay now.”

For emphasis, David tightened his hold on me, my face shoved into his neck so it may have resembled something loving. I wanted to puke. The smell of him, the feel of him, it was too much. It was those awful, jagged moments in the bathroom when I thought I might not be able to fight him off.

Fraser scoffed and folded his outstretched arms over his chest; the muscle and tattoo making him look like the poster-boy bad guy. It was funny, then, how I needed this bad guy to save me.

“Jane,” he said, almost softly, looking at me with eyes far too close to desperate.

This was it – the moment I knew was going to end whatever we could have started. With the feel of his lips still on mine and the rush of his hold still burning up my veins, I shook my head slowly at Fraser and saw the brokenness flash across his beautiful face. Here was this girl who he thought he could trust, even like, and she had just fucking blown it. Here she was, in his enemy’s arms.

I tried to say I was sorry, I tried to tell him it was all a stupid a misunderstanding, I tried to scream at him to help me from this boy who had tried to rape me. My mouth was shut tight though, and, quite suddenly, claimed by the lips of David Armstrong. I almost died as his mouth ravaged mine like it had all of those weeks ago, my knees almost giving out and my heart almost exploding with terror.

I screamed but he swallowed it so nobody ever heard.

Releasing me at last, David shot me a lazy smirk, gloating that he’d gotten his way like he always did. I was his. Nobody would dispute that. Not the crowd dispersing disappointed about the lack of a fight. Not my sister hiding her head in James’ shoulder. Not even Butch who was striding angrily up to the school, purpose thick on his back and a slut tucked under his arm.

“You’re not going to see him again. You’re only going to see me. Pretend you love me and I’ll keep your dirty little secrets in the family,” David whispered in my ear, his claw of a hand tugging at mine.

Feeling suddenly like lead, I nodded. As this monster smiled and curled our fingers together, I wished more than anything that I’d told Fraser about this before. That I’d asked him to save me. Because, fucking hell, I needed a saviour.