A Mother's Love

Seth didn’t come over anymore for the rest of the week, of course, it was because of our finals. We both needed time to study and get ready for the tests. But studying and testing was the last thing on my mind, the thing plaguing me was when it would be a good time to ‘talk’ with my mother about my situation. I was terrified to the core that she’d turn me away when I told her but there was a small, tiny, almost nonexistent part of me that felt like she would accept me.

I knew that my father would be more strict with my secret and that there was a greater possibility that he wouldn’t accept me but like Seth said, since I was my mom’s ‘baby boy,’ as she always called me, maybe she wouldn’t turn her back on me? She’s always been there for me with any decision that I’ve made and backed me up with it before, maybe she will accept this part about me?

But then every chance where I was able to tell her, my tongue wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t doubt that I was worrying her because every time I’d start to tell her, my face would become as red as a fire hydrant, my hands would shake and become sweaty, my eyes would well up with tears and I wouldn’t doubt that I looked like a wreck to her. She asked me every time that happened if I was okay or what was the matter. I passed it off as being nervous for the finals. I had always taken my schoolwork seriously so she knew that I always got panicky over tests.

She seemed like she bought my excuse but I could still see the hidden worry in her eyes.

Today was Friday, all day my stomach has been uneasy, I feel like I’m walking on broken glass everywhere I go, the few mocks that I get at school don’t help either. But I decided when I woke up this morning, today would be the day that I talked with my mother and hoped that she’d accept me. Tonight when we sat down and had dinner together like every night, I was going to tell her.

I told Seth about tonight and he wanted to be there with me when I did just in case I needed him for comfort if she did reject me, but I wanted to do it on my own. I didn’t want him to have to face rejection twice if my mother wasn’t accepting. I couldn’t have him hurt again.

I finally get home and find my mother in the kitchen, where she spends most of her time, and she’s setting out different ingredients for what she’s planning to cook for dinner. She looks up from chopping board where she was cutting up carrots and gives me that warm smile that she always does when I come home from school. But instead of feeling welcomed home like I usually do, I take in her smile, after I tell her tonight, who knows if she’d ever smile at me again like that?

Never before had I noticed the lines that time has put on her face, she still looks beautiful like she always has but the signs of crow’s feet were starting around her eyes and small wrinkles were forming around the corners of her mouth. But those muddy brown eyes that I got from her still held nothing but love in them. Her light brown hair framed her face and from the lighting in the kitchen, I could see those silvery strands starting to take over with the years.

“Addison?” I snap out of my observing when I hear her call my name. “Are you okay, dear?”

“Y-yeah, I’m okay,” I reply and try to smile as best as I can without it looking strained, sadly, I fail at it. I couldn’t stop the shaking of my hands and my nerves are going haywire, could I finally tell my mother about my biggest secret?

She blinks and I could see worry starting to flood her eyes, “Sweetie, what is it? You’ve been acting strange lately and I’m starting to doubt that it’s your finals that’s making you this nervous.”

I open my mouth and try to reply but my tongue is in a knot and a cold sweat breaks out on my face. I take a deep breath, drop my book bag beside the doorway and walk over to the table on shaky legs to sit down in my chair that I always sit in. “M-Mom… can I tell you s-something?” It’s now or never, I decide.

“Yes, sweetie, you know that you can tell me anything.” She puts down the knife and leaves the small pile of chopped carrots to wipe her hands on the kitchen towel and sits down across the table from me. “What’s wrong?”

I sigh, my tongue is still in a knot but now my eyes are starting to water and I know that my face is flushing. “Pl-please don’t think a-any d-differently of me after I-I tell you this, o-okay mom?”

I look up at her and through my watery eyes, I can see her eyebrows furrow and her eyes fill with concern. “Addison, what is it? Is it drugs? Are you drinking? Are you failing one of your classes? Did you get a girl pregnant? Sweetie, just tell me.”

After she said that, I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped my lips, even if it sounded like a sob. Of course she’d be worried about those things. She wanted nothing but the best for me, so she worried about anything that could ruin my life. As for her last question, with Seth, she didn’t have to worry about that because I couldn’t get him pregnant if we decided to have sex.

“I… I’m g-gay,” I almost whisper it but at least I got it off my chest. I look up and see that my mother seems to be frozen for a moment, “P-please, don’t kick m-me out over that, m-mom, I-I can’t h-help who I have f-feelings for. Please d-don’t turn me a-away like S-Seth’s parents did to h-him, I couldn’t live with k-knowing that y-you don’t accept me. Mom, I–”

“Addison, stop, dear,” she says and I realize why she wants me to stop rambling. My words are just coming out as a sob, I doubt that she could’ve even comprehended me. She sighs, I’m not sure if it’s in disappointment or relief but then she smiles, “Well, at least I don’t have to worry about you getting a girl pregnant now.”

Did I hear her right? Was she really joking about it? Was she okay with it? “H-Huh?” I pause and I have to ask just to make sure, “Y-you’re okay with it?”

She reaches across the table and takes my hands in hers, “Sweetie, why wouldn’t I be okay with it? This wasn’t even something that I was worrying about with you, I admit, but you’re not drinking or doing drugs… right?” I shook my head quickly and she smiles and continues, “And you’re not failing, hopefully, and you don’t have a girl pregnant so yes, I am okay with it. Besides, Seth is a really sweet boy and I’m guessing that he is your boyfriend rather than friend?”

“Y-yeah, he is.”

She nods, “Well, I’m glad you’ve got someone like him then, he’ll treat you good, I believe. But may I ask what you were rambling about before, about Seth’s parents turning him away?”

I wipe my nose and my tears away on the sleeve on my hoodie, and clear my throat, “W-when he came out to them… they didn’t accept it. That’s why I was so scared that you and dad wouldn’t when I told you. You’ve met his aunt before, right?”

“Yeah, she didn’t go into detail about why he was staying with her. I figured that family problems were the reason, I’ve heard many things about Seth’s mom and she seemed like a very hard person to live with,” Mom replies, moving around the table towards me and I realize why when she starts wiping away my tears on the kitchen towel. I almost roll my eyes because she never stops mothering me.

“Well, they kicked him out and turned their backs on him after he came out and his aunt was the only one that would accept him. I hate this parents for doing that to him because they pretty much disowned him but one of his older brothers was a drug-addict and they didn’t kick him out.” I clench my fist at the thought of Seth’s parents.

She shook her head, “That’s a shame. A mother would stand by her child and love them through anything, no matter what it is, any of her children, she would. And I couldn’t turn my back on you no matter what you did. I love you too much to do that.”

I look at her and smile, “Thank you… for being my mom. For accepting me.”

She returns my smile as her eyes start to resemble the way mine looked a moment ago but instead of sad tears, hers are happy, no doubt. “I couldn’t not accept you, Addison, no matter what you do.” She wraps her arms around me and I sigh into her shoulder. I had the greatest mom in the world.

She pulls back and wipes at her eyes, “But now that I know this, I want Seth over soon and we’ll set some rules for you two. And for starters, if you two start to… fool around upstairs, close your door so I’ll know not to disturb you, alright?”

And there it was, my face was burning after she said that, and I could tell that she felt awkward too. I manage a small nod, “Al-alright.” I pause when a question dawns on me, “Mom… do you think dad will accept me and Seth, too?”

I could see that she wasn’t sure of my question when she shakes her head, “Your father, he’s a different story, he might accept you since he does work around a few homosexuals but if he doesn’t, then I’ll deal with him, okay?” I nod because if she says she’ll take care of something, I know that it’s in the best hands then, “Good, now go on upstairs and get your homework done if you have any weekend homework. You can call Seth to come over sometime this weekend too, if you want.”

“Okay, thanks.”

She nods and picks up the kitchen towel and walks towards the laundry room while I stand up and grab my book bag. I hear her start humming like she usually does as she comes back with a clean towel and starts fixing dinner. She casts me one last smile before I walk out of the room and towards the stairs, I felt like I had a burden lifted off my shoulder by telling her, I feel better about myself now. I’m so grateful that I have her as my mom. And I couldn’t wait to tell Seth about the news.