Can't Find My Way Home
Chapitre vingt-et-un
I had managed to go out and get more, I knew enough French to lie to persuade them to give me more so I wouldn't have to keep making trips to the pharmacy, thankfully next time he'd need them we'd be in Japan. He insisted on coming, even though day by day he was getting weaker and weaker, it broke my heart seeing him so.. vulnerable. He had dozed off on the bed, and I sat with my legs crosses on the balcony, savouring every draw of the cigarette I gripped tightly between my fingers. As soon as I had finished I lit another, just wanting to fill my lungs with as much destruction as I was causing around me. Someone was knocking on the door rampantly, not wanting Tom to wake up I ran to it and opened, it. Not at all expecting Gerard to burst through, actually, it was more hoping that Gerard wouldn't burst through.
"What the fuck are you playing at?!" he shouted, shaking the pill bottle at me. I tried to shush him, but he just got angry, "No! Fuck Dill-"
"No, fuck you Gerard! Tom is fast a fucking sleep in there, have some respect!" I yelled back, uncoothly.
"What's going on out here?" Tom said weerily walking out of the bedroom. I honestly don't know what he must have thought, as far as he was aware Gerard and I were very close friends.
"Are you going to tell him or shall I?" Gerard threatened. Too shocked to move let alone talk, I just gawped at him, then Tom, then back to him again.
"Tell me? Tell me what?" he asked angrily, obviously assuming that something had been going on between the two of us after the revelation that we went out for many a year was aired.
"They're mine!" I shouted at Gerard, "They're mine alright, now give them back and fuck off Gerard! Just fuck off!" he threw the bottle at me, then grabbed my shoulders and began shaking me back and forth.
"Are you fucking retarded?! You know how they fucked me up! You fucking idiot!" he screamed.
"Get off her! Get off of her!! They're mine!" Tom said grabbing Gerard, and pushing him away. "Dill, what the hell are you playing at! Why didn't you just tell him?"
"Tell him? Tell me what?" Gerard said pushing his hair from his eyes and regaining his composure. I bit down on my lip heavily and shook my head.
"As selfish as it is,I didn't want the pity.." I said sitting down on the edge of the couch, I checked to see if my stitches hadn't been shaken from my head; thankfullly, they were still intact. "It was bad enough it just coming from Mikey.. I can't handle it Tom, I need to stay strong for you, and I can't when I have people telling me how I'm going to pull through, and how brave I am. I'm not brave, I'm a coward, and I'm scared, and all I want to do is have this all go away and you be fine so we can start over without having to live out the rest of our damn marriage in the precious time gap of eight miserable fucking weeks." the realisation that it really was a case of fitting what would have been the rest of our lives into eight weeks hit me hard. I began crying, not heavily, it was more weeping. Gerard still confused as ever lost it.
"Somebody please tell me what the fuck you guys are talking about." a sighed heavily. Tom stood up from next to me and looked Gerard dead in the eye.
"I'm going to die.." he said bluntly, "in about seven weeks." Gerard's face dropped and he went whiter then his usual pale self.
"What?" he coughed in disbelief, "What? Why?"
"I don't know if Dill told you but I had cancer when I was young, and it came back after we got married; doctors removed it, I was fine. But it's come back, and it's aggressive, and it's inoperable. Those pills, keep my emotions and sleep paterns functioning correctly, I also have ones for my organs, and for my bones. It's not nice, and it's certainly not fun dude." he said patting his shoulder. Gerard looked as if he would cry.
"Tom, I.."
"Just, apologise to Dill. I need to know you guys are ok, because she's going to need you when I've gone.." he whispered. I heard him, but I wasn't going to protest. He was going, and there was nothing I, or anybody, could do about it. "Uh.. right!" he said clapping his hands together, "I feel like a walk, I'll go pick up some food and beer from somewhere and we can have dinner up here, the three of us? Yes? Alright, I've got my cell." I jumped to my feet and walked after him.
"Tom, I don't think you should be walking around in the middle of Paris, and you can't drink beer, with your meds it'll ki-"
"Kill me?" he smirked, "The cancer will kill me, the beer and meds will just make me pass out very quick." he kissed my lips, grabbed his jacket and left.
"What the fuck are you playing at?!" he shouted, shaking the pill bottle at me. I tried to shush him, but he just got angry, "No! Fuck Dill-"
"No, fuck you Gerard! Tom is fast a fucking sleep in there, have some respect!" I yelled back, uncoothly.
"What's going on out here?" Tom said weerily walking out of the bedroom. I honestly don't know what he must have thought, as far as he was aware Gerard and I were very close friends.
"Are you going to tell him or shall I?" Gerard threatened. Too shocked to move let alone talk, I just gawped at him, then Tom, then back to him again.
"Tell me? Tell me what?" he asked angrily, obviously assuming that something had been going on between the two of us after the revelation that we went out for many a year was aired.
"They're mine!" I shouted at Gerard, "They're mine alright, now give them back and fuck off Gerard! Just fuck off!" he threw the bottle at me, then grabbed my shoulders and began shaking me back and forth.
"Are you fucking retarded?! You know how they fucked me up! You fucking idiot!" he screamed.
"Get off her! Get off of her!! They're mine!" Tom said grabbing Gerard, and pushing him away. "Dill, what the hell are you playing at! Why didn't you just tell him?"
"Tell him? Tell me what?" Gerard said pushing his hair from his eyes and regaining his composure. I bit down on my lip heavily and shook my head.
"As selfish as it is,I didn't want the pity.." I said sitting down on the edge of the couch, I checked to see if my stitches hadn't been shaken from my head; thankfullly, they were still intact. "It was bad enough it just coming from Mikey.. I can't handle it Tom, I need to stay strong for you, and I can't when I have people telling me how I'm going to pull through, and how brave I am. I'm not brave, I'm a coward, and I'm scared, and all I want to do is have this all go away and you be fine so we can start over without having to live out the rest of our damn marriage in the precious time gap of eight miserable fucking weeks." the realisation that it really was a case of fitting what would have been the rest of our lives into eight weeks hit me hard. I began crying, not heavily, it was more weeping. Gerard still confused as ever lost it.
"Somebody please tell me what the fuck you guys are talking about." a sighed heavily. Tom stood up from next to me and looked Gerard dead in the eye.
"I'm going to die.." he said bluntly, "in about seven weeks." Gerard's face dropped and he went whiter then his usual pale self.
"What?" he coughed in disbelief, "What? Why?"
"I don't know if Dill told you but I had cancer when I was young, and it came back after we got married; doctors removed it, I was fine. But it's come back, and it's aggressive, and it's inoperable. Those pills, keep my emotions and sleep paterns functioning correctly, I also have ones for my organs, and for my bones. It's not nice, and it's certainly not fun dude." he said patting his shoulder. Gerard looked as if he would cry.
"Tom, I.."
"Just, apologise to Dill. I need to know you guys are ok, because she's going to need you when I've gone.." he whispered. I heard him, but I wasn't going to protest. He was going, and there was nothing I, or anybody, could do about it. "Uh.. right!" he said clapping his hands together, "I feel like a walk, I'll go pick up some food and beer from somewhere and we can have dinner up here, the three of us? Yes? Alright, I've got my cell." I jumped to my feet and walked after him.
"Tom, I don't think you should be walking around in the middle of Paris, and you can't drink beer, with your meds it'll ki-"
"Kill me?" he smirked, "The cancer will kill me, the beer and meds will just make me pass out very quick." he kissed my lips, grabbed his jacket and left.