Can't Find My Way Home
Chapitre vingt-deux
"Dill.." he said stubbing out his ciggarette and pulling another one from the deck. We were sitting out on the balcony, leaning up against the french doors, staring out at the Paris night sky. Tom was, like he said he would be, passed out after his beer and meds concoction, but he was happy, so who was I to argue.
"Uhuh?"
"It will be alright you know." he turned his head and looked at me, "I promise it will be. On my life I promise it will be." he squeezed my hand reassuringly, and smiled a toothless smile.
"Thank you Gerard. Not to piss on your lovelieness, but I really don't see how. Once Tom di- goes," I sighed, "I'll be on my own, and I mean really on my own this time."
"You have us."
"I know.. I know, but you're getting married, which is amazing and I really can't wait for the wedding. And you have the band, and it's just what with.. I don't know."
"What with?" he probed, hoping to get what I was going to say out of me. I shook my head.
"It doesn't matter." I shrugged, lighting a ciggarette hoping that it too, would give me cancer.
"You were going to say Frank weren't you." he said with a lightly concerned expression.
"I, uh n- Yes.. He hates me Gerard, and I honestly don't blame him." he sighed.
"Do you want to know something funny?" I really wasn't in the mood.
"Sure." he perked up.
"Frank has started calling her Celery, accidentally.. If you know what I mean." he said rising his eyebrows suggestively. Oh god.
"What?!" I laughed, "You mean.. in the throws of passion, he called out her vegetable pseudonym?!" I roared with laughter, and it had nothing to do with the few beers I had had. "Oh that is golden."
"Swear to hell. Look." he pulled out his cell phone, scrolled through the messeges and showed it to me.
"Dude. I fucking called her Celery when we were doing it. I'm going to kill Dylan." I sniggered. "Well, it's nice to know I'm on the assholes mind."
"Dill, I think you're always on his mind. You're all he talks to Mikey about these days, always asking where you are, if your okay, if things are looking shaky with Tom. It's getting kind of annoying if I'm honest." he chuckled, "Do you think of him at all?"
"All the time.." I said honestly, "I can't believe I threw away my chance with him. But then I think, if I had taken the chance with him, what would I have done when Tom came back. So maybe it's for the best."
"So.. what happens once Tom, you know.." he said avoiding the delicate word.
"I don't know, and truth be told, I don't really want to think that far into the future at the moment." I sighed, tapping my fingers on the ground.
"You need to let him know how you feel, before it's too late.. Because I can see him doing or saying something stupid and fucking everything up for the both of your lives, and I really can't be doing with both my best friend, and my first ever love slash best female friend in the world, being miserable for the rest of their days." I chuckled. I knew he was right, but at the moment, Frank, or myself for that matter, couldn't be number one priority. And I think Gerard knew that, but what he said resonated all the same.
"Uhuh?"
"It will be alright you know." he turned his head and looked at me, "I promise it will be. On my life I promise it will be." he squeezed my hand reassuringly, and smiled a toothless smile.
"Thank you Gerard. Not to piss on your lovelieness, but I really don't see how. Once Tom di- goes," I sighed, "I'll be on my own, and I mean really on my own this time."
"You have us."
"I know.. I know, but you're getting married, which is amazing and I really can't wait for the wedding. And you have the band, and it's just what with.. I don't know."
"What with?" he probed, hoping to get what I was going to say out of me. I shook my head.
"It doesn't matter." I shrugged, lighting a ciggarette hoping that it too, would give me cancer.
"You were going to say Frank weren't you." he said with a lightly concerned expression.
"I, uh n- Yes.. He hates me Gerard, and I honestly don't blame him." he sighed.
"Do you want to know something funny?" I really wasn't in the mood.
"Sure." he perked up.
"Frank has started calling her Celery, accidentally.. If you know what I mean." he said rising his eyebrows suggestively. Oh god.
"What?!" I laughed, "You mean.. in the throws of passion, he called out her vegetable pseudonym?!" I roared with laughter, and it had nothing to do with the few beers I had had. "Oh that is golden."
"Swear to hell. Look." he pulled out his cell phone, scrolled through the messeges and showed it to me.
"Dude. I fucking called her Celery when we were doing it. I'm going to kill Dylan." I sniggered. "Well, it's nice to know I'm on the assholes mind."
"Dill, I think you're always on his mind. You're all he talks to Mikey about these days, always asking where you are, if your okay, if things are looking shaky with Tom. It's getting kind of annoying if I'm honest." he chuckled, "Do you think of him at all?"
"All the time.." I said honestly, "I can't believe I threw away my chance with him. But then I think, if I had taken the chance with him, what would I have done when Tom came back. So maybe it's for the best."
"So.. what happens once Tom, you know.." he said avoiding the delicate word.
"I don't know, and truth be told, I don't really want to think that far into the future at the moment." I sighed, tapping my fingers on the ground.
"You need to let him know how you feel, before it's too late.. Because I can see him doing or saying something stupid and fucking everything up for the both of your lives, and I really can't be doing with both my best friend, and my first ever love slash best female friend in the world, being miserable for the rest of their days." I chuckled. I knew he was right, but at the moment, Frank, or myself for that matter, couldn't be number one priority. And I think Gerard knew that, but what he said resonated all the same.