Can't Find My Way Home

"Mikey what's up.. Dylan? What the fuck happened in here?" I looked up to see Gerard's concerned face. "Mikey, dude, she's sitting with her bare legs on broken glass.. Get her up." I took Gerard's hands and stood up, imeadiately he embraced me in a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. "I've missed you.." he whispered into my ear. I began to calm down, just his reassuring, familiar scent made me feel safe, and unalone. I felt Mikey brushing the glass off my legs, and released Gerard.

"Come on, we can go sit.." I thought about the living room, "..in the garden." I wiped my face as I walked past them and out the back door into the courtyard. I sat on a swinging chair and crossed my legs up to my body, they sat either side of me and I began laughing. "I get everything wrong.." I took a deep breath in, "I should should never left New Jersey.. I shouldn't of done anything I've done in the past six years.." I wiped the tears from my puffy face, "Why are you here?"

"We just thought it was about time we found you, and Mikey's kept it quiet all these years as to where you were. We only got it out of him yesterday, you should have let the rest of us know Dill.." he said, hurt riddled in his voice.

"I couldn't.." I said simply.

"Why not?"

"You know why Gerard.. I needed to get away, I couldn't keep on torturing myself, or you, like I was. If I'd have stayed, I would be even more of an emotional wreck then I appear to be now. And you, you would have just gotten more hurt."

"But you could have told me where you were going.." he said, near tears. I had a history with Gerard, we went out for a long time, but it got very complicated. Too complicated for an 18 year old to have to deal with.

"I'm sorry. I am, I've always made the worst decisions.. you know that." he laughed.

"Just, look.. I've found you, and I'm not letting you go anytime soon, got it?"

"Gerard.. I.."

"Got married." a familiar voice said inquisitionally from behind us. We all turned to look, it was Frank. I couldn't deal with all of this, first Tom, then Mikey telling them where I was, Gerard and now Frank..

"What?" Gerard said in astonishment, "You got married?! When?"

"When she was twenty." Frank said again looking at the photo frame, minus the glass. "You got married.." I looked at Mikey, he shook his head. At least he didn't tell them that, but now look what I was faced with.

"You knew.." Gerard said to Mikey, his eyes widened and he looked at me.

"He was there.." Frank said, again. I stood up.

"Frank will you shut the fuck up!" I shouted, "Yes, I got married. Yes, I was twenty. Yes, Mikey was there. No, I didn't tell you. And why do you think! I was torn! Utterly, utterly torn between the two of you for years! I finally manage to tear myself away from the two guys I love most in the world, and find another guy, not like either of you in anyway, who loved me. So I wasn't exactly going to invite you to the wedding and have my heart torn in three different fucking directions now was I?!" they both went silent, and averted their gaze to their feet. I sighed, and walked back inside. I walked into the foyer area and looked at all the mess I had made.

"Why are all the pictures smashed?" Frank said softly from behind me. I didn't turn to look at him, I just gazed at the wreckage.

"Because my heart has always been somewhere else, and he got sick of it, and fucked multiple women as way of getting back at me for putting him second to my past that I can't get over. And now my marriage is over, becuase I will never forget that past, or the people from it - they're always going to come before anyone else in my life, becuase they were my life.." tears rolled down my cheek and I bit down my lip as way of not sobbing again.

"Dill.." he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at him, he looked so different, yet exactly the same. "I'm sorry.." I smiled feebly through my tears.

"For what? You didn't do anything.."

"For not loving you, for making everything harder then it needed to be."

"You can't help who you don't fall in love with.. I'm the one who's sorry, I was young, and stupid, and naive.."

"Naive?"

"For thinking that I could love two people."

"Bu.."

"No, Gerard loved me!" I said beginning to choke up as I finally admitted to what I had done, "..and I threw it back in his face by loving you. I loved him, but, I just.. I just had to love you aswell.."

"Dill, Gerard is getting married."

"What?"

"To Lynz, from.."

"Mindless Self Indulgence, yeah I know who she is."

"You're not upset?"

"Why should I be? They're perfect for each other, why would I want anything less then Gerard being happy?"

"What about you being happy?"

"I'll survive on hatred for a while, then when that's passed, I'll pick myself up and move on. I'll survive, like I always have. I don't need anyone to love me, and it just so happens that no ones does, which is perfect really.. In retrospect."

"But I lo.."

"Do you mean it?" Gerard said, walking in from the kitchen. I nodded. He smiled, and grabbed ahold of me. "You'll love her." he said into my ear happily. "She's just like you." he grinned.

"Don't say that." I said pushing myself away from him.

"What, why not?"

"Nobody should be like me, I fuck everything up.. Please, take it back."

"Dylan."

"Take it back Gerard, I mean it."

"I only mean that she has the same sick sense of humor as you do.."

"Just please, don't jinx it. Please."

"Okay, okay.. Fine.. I take it back." he nodded. "You're still exactly the same, you know that right." he laughed.

"I'll always be the same.. It's kind of daunting really."