Can't Find My Way Home
Chapitre cinq
"What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?" I asked myself repetively as I stared out of the airplane window. Without much thought, I had packed my bags last night, was picked up this morning, and was now on my way to England where their world tour was starting.
"Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking, we are currently 3 hours away from landing at Heathrow, we at British Airways hope you are enjoying your flight."
"Three hours already?" I asked myself, everything was going so fast, my head was even spinning slightly.
"You okay?" Gerard smiled, sitting in the seat beside me. He had lost so much weight, and just looked cleaner and healthier then ever.
"No. I'm not okay - no pun inteded." I said nervously, "What the fuck am I doing Gerard? You waltzed back into my life yesterday! Yesterday, after six godamned years!" he smiled.
"Perfect isn't it."
"Why is it I'm thinking that our ideas of perfect differ considerably?"
"Look, just calm down. I love you, and I always will.. but you moved on, I've moved on, we're better people."
"Gee.. I'll always love you, you must know that?" he looked down at our hands.
"I do now.." he smiled faintly, he looked up into my eyes and his smile grew wider, "I do know."
"Good, becuase I don't want you running off to get married without knowing that I'll love you just as much as she will." he laughed.
"I can't wait for you too to meet."
"We have already, I've done a lot of photo shoots with them."
"She never said?" he said confused as to why she wouldn't.
"Why would she? I'm a photographer, she doesn't look at me and see my past does she," I laughed.
"I just want you to be happy and comfortable with this whole touring thing."
"I am, sort of."
"You're not over Frank are you? I can see it, the way you look at him," he said softly, "and the way he looks at you."
"Gerard.."
"He did love you, you know. Even before I did.."
"What?"
"Give him a chance to love you like he's always wanted to, please?"
"I.. I can't do this right now.." I stood up and hurried to the bathroom and bolted the door where I promptly cried. Why was he telling me this, why now? Why when I had no escape?
"Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking, we are currently 3 hours away from landing at Heathrow, we at British Airways hope you are enjoying your flight."
"Three hours already?" I asked myself, everything was going so fast, my head was even spinning slightly.
"You okay?" Gerard smiled, sitting in the seat beside me. He had lost so much weight, and just looked cleaner and healthier then ever.
"No. I'm not okay - no pun inteded." I said nervously, "What the fuck am I doing Gerard? You waltzed back into my life yesterday! Yesterday, after six godamned years!" he smiled.
"Perfect isn't it."
"Why is it I'm thinking that our ideas of perfect differ considerably?"
"Look, just calm down. I love you, and I always will.. but you moved on, I've moved on, we're better people."
"Gee.. I'll always love you, you must know that?" he looked down at our hands.
"I do now.." he smiled faintly, he looked up into my eyes and his smile grew wider, "I do know."
"Good, becuase I don't want you running off to get married without knowing that I'll love you just as much as she will." he laughed.
"I can't wait for you too to meet."
"We have already, I've done a lot of photo shoots with them."
"She never said?" he said confused as to why she wouldn't.
"Why would she? I'm a photographer, she doesn't look at me and see my past does she," I laughed.
"I just want you to be happy and comfortable with this whole touring thing."
"I am, sort of."
"You're not over Frank are you? I can see it, the way you look at him," he said softly, "and the way he looks at you."
"Gerard.."
"He did love you, you know. Even before I did.."
"What?"
"Give him a chance to love you like he's always wanted to, please?"
"I.. I can't do this right now.." I stood up and hurried to the bathroom and bolted the door where I promptly cried. Why was he telling me this, why now? Why when I had no escape?