Shattered Blue

On the way back, Ant is deathly quiet. Even his usual pounding footsteps seem muffled by some dark silent aura. When he walks on ahead, his long strides too much for me, I fall back, relieved that there’s no chance he can see my face anymore.

I’m crying. The tears are streaming down my face and nothing will stop them. I’ve even resorted to lifting up my shirt and exposing my belly, just to wipe away the salty drops. But even after the tears are gone nothing will hide my red eyes and nose and even if people see that I don’t really mind. In my mind I can already see that chasm yawning open inside of me, the chasm that I’ve only recently escaped from.

“Why was he so bloody great huh?!” Ant suddenly rumbles, a mountain giant woken from sleep. I look up, tears momentarily forgotten. “And if he was so great why do they expect me to fill his gap? Why couldn’t I stay in the city and everyone would’ve been happy? I wouldn’t be constantly compared to him and reminded of him, and they wouldn’t have to put up with a near stranger whose father they’re just doing a favour for!” His form ripples as he gives an unrepressed shiver of…what? Anger? Frustration? Is he hurt?

“Ant…” I murmur but without warning his pace quickens and he’s sprinting; running like a raging elephant bull down the path, past his house and towards the forest. And I’m running after him wondering why everyone is so messed up and why I’m the worst of the lot. Face it; I have much less reason than him to be angry or sad. Both his parents are dead, his father just recently. He’s been moved away from all he knows, away from his friends and neighbourhood to live in the country with his aunt and uncle who he hasn’t seen since he was a small child. And...and to top it all off they’re still mourning the death of their only child, their golden boy Daniel, who died a few months prior to Ant’s father. Wherever he goes Ant can’t escape the fresh reminder of death.

I pump my legs faster and hurtle down a forest trail after Ant, tears near blinding me. I have to fix this, even if it’s not directly my fault Ant is hurt, even if it’s not my fault my father left us and everyone is pretending he’s coming back. I could have done something to stop him or at least make him compensate us for such pain. I have to fix this.

I wish I could fall and scrap open a knee, have blood shock us both back to reality or wherever it is we need to be right now. Certainly not running away.

I notice the feeling of dappled sunlight on my sweat cooled skin and the lungfuls of air I’m gulping in are fresh and sharp tickling my nose. My tears stop, my breathing relaxes and my feet slow down to a jog and then to a walk.

Everything seems to go I and out of focus at the same time and I realise I’ve fallen into the trap reality springs on us when we least expect it. But the forest, its calming soothing presence has cooled my thoughts like water running over sun parched earth. I can’t give in to such flighty emotions such as fear or anger. They won’t solve anything. By now Ant has disappeared into the bush and I hope he hasn’t hurt himself. I wish we could rewind to the day he gave me that chocolate, when we were both still strangers to one another but were better off for it. I shouldn’t be so reckless with my words.

I find him by the water edge and he’s sitting down on the damp ground, his face impassive as he tries to skip pebbles across the river’s surface.

“Go away,” he mutters without looking up. Instead of doing as he bids I climb the tree under which he sits, find a good thick branch to sit on and dangle my legs over the water. The gentle rushing of it creates a rhythm in my breathing and my eyes slowly close as the late afternoon sun creates a warm safe halo around me.

When I open them I see Ant, way down below me, stretched out onto the bank’s rough grass, his eyes closed and his sullen features relaxed. I know I should move before I fall asleep up here. But I do not heed my own warning and do just that, awkwardly propped up by an upwards facing branch, my one leg entangled in another branch while my other leg swings freely in open air.

I move, to hide my face from the now glaring sun and unconsciously lose my grip and balance. There is a brief instant where I see the water rushing up to me, an there is a roaring in my ears which I late realise must be my heart.

The water is cold and I’ve been winded. For a few seconds I am still, caught up in an underwater world of streaming bubbles which pass to reveal murky water and near indistinguishable objects, which in my startled imagination take on menacing forms.
I burst out of the water, gasping and moving towards the bank. My panicked eyes catch shattered blue ones and I stop, as if frozen. His eyes are really beautiful, I think.

Ant begins to laugh.

I look down at myself, soaked through, river grass looping over one arm, my hair probably limp and straggly, my expression, I know, one of shock and confusion, not surprising as I’ve just fallen out of a tree while asleep and I have no idea where the heck I am or what’s going on.

I try to stand up, slip and fall back into the water. There’s silence and once again we’re staring at one another. Ant’s cheeks puff out suddenly in a loud guffaw and he throws his head back and roars with laughter.

I wobble back to my feet and wade towards the bank he’s on. I shake my hair dry, spattering him with cold river water.

“Hey!” he stops for a moment, looks at me and gives a half-hearted attempt at stifling his laughter. I roll my eyes, feeling rather embarrassed but a smile creeps onto my face as I sit down beside him, hoping he can’t see me blushing behind a curtain of wet hair.

Hoping that the rushed beating of my heart is just from shock.