Shattered Blue

Ant has calmed down and only the odd smile sneaks onto his features.

“Hey Joe?”

“Y-Yes?!” I answer, my face burning as I whip my head towards him.
He looks at me silently for a few moments, his expression cryptic and chuckles. “You’re so strange.”

I blush even deeper, if that is possible, and climb quickly to my feet.
“I have t-to go!” I stammer out, not looking at him and before he has a chance to answer I’m off, leaping over the first bush in my path, landing solidly on the other side and sprinting for all I’m worth not minding for once that I’m making a din.

I hear Ant call me once, twice and then his voices dies away and I’m angry that he has given up so easily and angry at myself for expecting anything from a near stranger.

My house comes into view but I veer off the path I’m on, cut sharply to the left and climb into a huge ficus that has been here since the house was built in the early twentieth century.
Since then it’s grown into a monolith of twisting green wood, its waxy leaves stretching far and wide.

There’s a small platform of rotting wood, the remains of a tremulous tree house my father tried to build when my brother, Ben was born. I was the only one reckless enough to ever make use of it, but even I know I’ve grown too heavy for it and I only stash books or tins of sweets here now. I haven’t been here for almost a year now since the night I heard about Daniel’s accident. I wait for the usual bout of tears but instead there’s only a soft tugging on my heart.

I press my cool hands to my hot cheeks wondering how’s it’s possible that I’ve fallen out of love and headlong into another. I rest an elbow on a low branch and stroke my chin thoughtfully. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but only now do I fully realise that Ant has the exact same eye colour and shape as Daniel. A blue that shatters all logical thought. Only when I’m away from Ant can I think properly and objectively and I know I have to put a stop to my feelings…whatever they are.

“But he said my name for the first time, that sneaky city boy,” I murmur to myself.
I can’t have feelings for the boy who’s soon going to put my family out of their first and only home. That is, if I don’t do something about it. I sigh deeply. I know I told Karin I would fix it but I wonder how much thirty thousand rand can really do. It’s not even enough for at least two years of studying at a normal university so why would Ant accept that if he could kick us out, and sell the house and land which is worth at least a few million? That’s why I have to make Ant fall in love with Karin so that’s he’d later feel too guilty to even consider selling the house.

I lift my head to the web work of sky as a horribly bitter smile assaults my features. What am I thinking? Have I been stuck in this place for so long that my sense of reality has been distorted? Something like making them fall in love and expecting the impossible…that would never work. I’m just fooling myself into not thinking there’s another way.

But there is. There’s only one way for this to work. And I need HIM here for that. I need to act like the oldest child for at least once in my life and do what no one else has the backbone for.

I’m going to tell my father the truth.



I still my heart and my mind for I know I have to handle this calmly for this to work.

“Do you love dad?” I ask my mother as we’re watching a late night sitcom but neither of us find it very funny and I can see my mother’s eyes have glazed over and flickering images dance upon their surface. I can see she’s tired and overstressed. But I had to wait this long to make sure the younger ones were asleep first and out of…harm’s way.

“What?” she mumbles, her attention drifting towards me. She sits upright and her eyes sharpen. “Joe, why are you asking this?”

“Just answer me ma, please.” My voice has a rare edge to it and she notices it as well for she averts her gaze and stares at the television.

“I used to…before he bought himself a flat in the city. When we stopped seeing each other every day, every night and only on weekends which became rarer and rarer my passion cooled. I think we were never in love with each other to begin with.” My mother paused and ran a veined hand through her greying hair. “We were merely infatuated and infatuation does not survive long distances. We both found that out too late. By then Deon was born and I guess we decided to stick together for the sake of our children. But now…”

My mother gave a deep sigh and I was surprised at how calm she was, or seemed.

“But now he doesn’t even care about keeping up the semblance of a family. He doesn’t bother with getting to know any of you any better and, don’t tell your brothers and sisters this Joe please, but I think he has a woman in the city, I-I know it.” My mother’s voice broke. “He’s been gone for two months now and I guess we have to face the fact that he just doesn’t...doesn't fucking care.”

My mother swore. My mother swore. My mother swore and told me the truth even though I’ve asked her the same question for years now. The last time my mother swore was when someone cut down an ancient beech near our front gate because they complained it took up most of the road. She only swore when she was dead serious.

And that night I convinced my mother to do what I’ve been too weak to make her do for years. But when I finally climbed into bed in the early hours of the morning I didn’t feel the least bit satisfied. I realised that all this time I’ve been waiting for my father to appear and prove us all wrong. To appear and mend the hearts he broke. But he’s forgotten about us and it hurts. I know I’ve done the right thing but it hurts so badly.