Smirt

“I feel like every time we’re together, it’s so surreal,” I said with a laugh, my cheeks turning red as I looked down at my lap. “Think of the first time you learned how to ride a bike without the training wheels.” The look of sheer confusion on his face was enough to make my face flush an even deeper crimson.

“I’m sorry, that was a stupid example.” Stupidstupidstupid.

He finished the cigarette, tossing it over his shoulder. “No, it wasn’t stupid at all. I know what you mean. Ok, I don’t, enlighten me?” He grinned sheepishly.

Just say it. Tell him you like him, you idiot! “Nevermind. I just wanted to say that we’re such great friends. I would never want to jeopardize that.” I forced a smile. “I apologize for ditching you without warning; it’s just been a long time since I had one.”

“Do you want to talk about it now?”

“Sure,” I replied with a nod. “Well, I had a best friend. Her name was Caprice. We were inseparable, and everyone knew instantly that we were close. One night. One party. One of us didn’t make it out alive.”

This felt so strange. As I was re-telling the incident to Christofer, I held back tears and continued on. He had always seemed like a trustworthy person and I appreciated that. I didn’t even notice I had released those tears until I felt his fingers brush them away tenderly. I managed a small smile.

“She went home with a guy who was drunk and they got in a car crash. I went to the hospital, saw her parents, but it was too late. They couldn’t revive her.” At that moment, I reached my breaking point and began to sob uncontrollably. My body was shaking and I was hiccupping, my hands over my face. Chris’s arms wrapped around me protectively, trying to soothe me.

“Shh, Doll, it’s not your fault. I know you think it is but that’s not true.”

“What did I do wrong?” I questioned, my voice muffled as I spoke to his t-shirt. “Is this some sort of punishment for what I did in the past?”

“It’s not,” he said sternly, kissing the top of my head. “Do you wanna get some ice cream or something? Or I can walk you home.”

“I’d like to go home, thanks.” I stood up, legs shaky and uncoordinated. Chris helped me up, taking me by the hand, asking if I was ready. I nodded, determined to not make him worry. It was bad enough that I had an emotional breakdown in front of him. Why make it any worse?

When we arrived at my apartment, I unlocked the door and looked around for Gavin. He wasn’t there. Probably out with his friends, I thought as I walked to my room, placing my keys on the nightstand. Chris stood at the doorway, anxious. I sat on the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry about, uh, that whole disaster. . .” I apologized.

“You can’t help how you feel,” he replied softly. “I’m gonna go now, ok? Do you need anything?”

You. “Nah. I’m going to sleep, unless you want to join me?” I was only half-joking; a part of me really wanted him to stay though.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.” He grinned, slipping off his shoes and jumping on the bed. The springs in the mattress creaked under our combined weight, and I giggled.

Sometime later that night, I woke up, surprisingly not because of the nightmare. In fact, the nightmare didn’t happen. I think it was because of Chris. He was awake too and I was glad. But I knew something had happened because he was sitting upright, his phone to his ear. I knew it was wrong but I listened to the conversation anyway.

“You can’t just force your way back into my life,” he said tiredly, “It doesn’t work that way.”

Chris sighed at the response he received from the other line. “I’ll give you one more chance, Ellie. That’s it.”

He hung up the phone and began to settle into the covers again, as if the conversation never happened. I closed my eyes as he moved closer to me and began to wonder. Who was Ellie? And why was she back in Chris’s life? Nothing made sense.

Well, whoever she is, I’m going to meet her, I thought as I fell asleep for the second time.