Goodbye

I kept my promise to Justin, and stayed by the stage for the entire rest of his performance.

After we had walked hand in hand back to the stage, he gave me a hug and made his way back to where he had dropped his microphone. And even though I stayed well hidden from the crowd’s view, I still had a pretty decent view of the crowd. The only time my eyes ever left Justin, was when I checked to see if Andrea was there. When I saw that she wasn’t, my heart sank.

But I still kept my promise to Justin. I swayed along to every some he sang, and screamed louder than everyone else in the room. Every once and a while Justin would look over at me, giving me that secret smile that he used to always give me at school. But somehow, every time I smiled back, it was half hearted. It was like, I knew that somehow another goodbye was inevitable… The question was, was this goodbye going to be his fault again, or mine?

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“Pattie… I-I can’t breathe” I gasped into the woman’s shirt, as she held me close to her and smushed my face into her shoulder. She laughed and loosened her grip, but only so that she could pull me back a bit, look me over and then go back to strangling me.

“Mom, I think she gets it. You missed her. We all missed her” Justin said from the couch, where he was currently lounging, bottle of water in hand. Not that the bottle had touched his lips. He had always hated drinking water. She gave him a look, but let me go and walked me over to the couch, sitting me down in between her and her son.

“It’s been a long time” She said.

“Two years” I confirmed. She sighed and nodded, throwing a glance at Justin before smiling at me once more.

“Gosh, I know that you two probably need to talk, but I just can’t get over how grown up you are!” She said, making me smile, as she ran her fingers through the long ends of my hair.

“Mom, you’re right. We need to talk” Justin insisted after a couple seconds. Pattie threw him another glance, then sighed and nodded, standing up.

“I’ll go get everything ready.” She said, then walked out. Justin and I sat there in silence for a minute, before I looked over at him. He looked like he had zoned out, his eyes glazed over and his face emotionless. I assumed he was tired, which is why I felt so bad for all this being sprung on him last minute… But, it had to be done.

“So… How much longer are you on tour for?” I asked quietly. His attention turned to me slowly, his eyes taking their time to return to their crystal-clear chocolate brown.

“About a week, give or take. Just a couple more Canada dates, then I’m taking some time off” He said, nodding. I nodded as well, then sat on my hands and sighed, about to speak again when he spoke. “Look, Tash… I… I know this is a bit late, and I know that you probably don’t believe me, but I need you. Life has been hell without you. It’s like, for the past two years all I’ve done is miss you. And I couldn’t tell anyone” He said, his voice becoming a little bit more… wail-like, towards the end.

“Think of it from my perspective though, Justin… I gave you everything I had… My time, my trust, my heart. And then you left, taking all that with you. But when you left, you had something new to live for. You had your career, your fans, all these new, big shot friends. What did I have?” I asked. When he stayed silent, I continued. “I had nothing, Justin. I had my mom, and I had memories. Painful memories that wouldn’t leave me alone. So me and my mom moved… And I still had nothing” I said.

Justin sighed, and looked down, tears forming in his eyes.

“I didn’t know” He whispered. I laughed humorlessly and threw my arms out to the sides, in frustration.

“How could you not know, Justin! I told you I loved you! Was that not enough?” I asked, tears forming in my eyes now. He sniffled and wiped his nose on the back of his hand, still not looking at me.

“I didn’t know…” He whispered again. I said nothing this time, just sat there with silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Of course you didn’t know. You were madly in love with Caitlyn.” I said. He lifted his head and stared at me, hurt on his face.

“That’s not fair…” He said, his voice cracking. I sighed and wiped my eyes.

“Life’s not fair Justin. You leaving hadn’t been fair, me losing the closest thing to a best friend because of you wasn’t fair, the fact that you’re actually making me feel guilty about not forgiving you isn’t fair.” I stated, making his tears fall harder.

“I’ll make it up you… After the tour… I-I-I’ll make it up to you” He said, determination filling his oddly childlike voice.

“So then make it up to me… But until you do… I just want to go home” I said. He nodded and stood up, offering me his hand. I took it gingerly and allowed him to pull me into a standing position. But when he tried to hug me, I just walked towards the door. I heard him sigh softly behind me, but he soon followed me out of the dressing room, and then led the way to where the car he took was parked.