Goodbye

Was it strange for me to feel resentment? Anger, hurt, jealousy; but most of all resentment? Really, the boy had done nothing wrong. And I had always sworn to myself that I would never, ever hate him for leaving, for not having time for me. But he still had time for Ryan, and Chaz, and Christian. Hell, he even had time for Caitlin still. I know we’d never been upfront about our friendship, but that’s because we liked keeping it private. It was like our little secret, the one thing we never told anyone else.

But you would think, that even if he still wanted it secret; that he would at least text? Maybe call once and a while? Perhaps make mention in an interview to that special friend that he wishes he still had contact with. Unless he didn’t want to keep in contact with me. And if that were the case, I had no idea why. I had taken his news well, congratulated him and never once tried to stop him. I felt like screaming ‘What did I do?! Why don’t you love me anymore?!’

Maybe… Maybe he never did love me. Maybe it was just one of those petty childhood ‘I think I want to marry my best friend’ sort of deals, that you eventually grow out of. So then why couldn’t I grow out of it? Why couldn’t I grow out of him. He was like an obsession that I couldn’t shake, yet I also couldn’t stand looking at him, or listening him for too long. Memories just always found their way to me at the worst times.

”You’re perfect for me. You’re the only girl you gets me, the only girl who treats me the way I want to be treated. You’re perfect for me”

The words rang in my mind, over and over again. The day Justin and I had been sitting in the tree by our spot. It had been hot, and sticky. We wanted shade, but couldn’t find it. So we opted to sit in the tree, high up where no one would see us. Then he sang for me, while I closed my eyes and rested my head against the tree branch behind me. We were in our own little world, the world where nothing could touch us.

I love you. More than you even know

That’s what I would think to myself every time his secret little grin reached me. The one he would give me every time we met eyes in the hallway at school. It was one of those smiles that melted away all jealousy that I felt towards his other friends, and it melted away all anger or sadness that would wash over me when I wondered why we couldn’t be more public about our friendship.
I even remembered the first time I had even told him I loved him. I’d always said it in my head, or as a joke when hanging up the phone; but never had I said it with serious, never had I truly opened up that part of my heart to him. He had been dating Caitlin at the time, but it was just one of those moments, where saying something felt right.

”Nat, you gotta know how to skip a rock. It’s like, essential to being a kid” Justin said next to me, as my frustration grew. I held a slim rock in my hand, and in all honesty; I just wanted to throw it at him.

“I can’t do it!” I shrieked in frustration, making him laugh.

“Here I’ll show you” He said, then came behind me, and wrapped his arms around me; like he was hugging me from behind. But instead of him placing his hands on my stomach, her reached forward and spread his palms out over the back of my hands, his fingers lining up with mine. “Loosen up, let me move you.” He muttered in my ear, making me laugh. I loosened up a little, and smiled as he curled his fingers around the rock a certain way, naturally curling mine as well. Then he flicked his wrist and uncurled his hand. I did the same, and we watched as the rock skipped across the surface of the water.

“I did it!” I said happily, turning to hug him. He laughed and hugged me back.

“Technically, I did it” He said. When I dropped my arms, he didn’t let go. I smiled and buried my face into his neck, my arms wrapping easily around his waist.

“I feel so different around you” He said quietly.

“Good way or bad way?” I murmured against his skin.

“Good way. I feel like myself” He said. I smiled and nuzzled my nose under his ear, closing my eyes as his arms tightened around me.

“I love you Justin.”

“I know”

“No… I mean… I really love you”

“Nat, you tell me that everyday” He said, sounding confused. I sighed and tightened my grip around him as well.

“How about this… I’m in love with you”

Justin was silent after that, but he never broke the embrace.

“I think I would feel wrong saying I love you to” He said.

“Caitlin?” He nodded. “Do you?” I asked.

He nodded again.

Part of me was considering just canceling on Andrea. She would want to know why, but I would have to just tell her that I didn’t feel well. And it wouldn’t even be a complete lie; since the thought of seeing Justin again made me feel sick to my stomach. And seeing all those girls, screaming for him, swooning over him, reaching out to him. And having to see him reaching back, intertwining his fingers with theirs, smiling. That smile, that used to be just for me; was now being shared with the entire world. It made me sick, knowing just how perfect Justin and I had seemed for each other; and now it was like… Nothing, nothing at all. It was as if he had never met me.

Sniffing, I curled up into a ball and closed my eyes. I needed to sleep, I needed to escape the memories. Even just for a few hours; I had to get away from him.

But he was haunting me, which made it hard.