Save the Day

“What is your problem!?” I hissed at Nick as I walked next to him through the hallways backstage. We were walking to their dressing room for lockdown and this was the only time I could get Nick ‘alone’. Everyone was with us, but split up in groups as conversations flowed.

“I do not have a problem.” He replied casually, keeping his eyes straight forward.

“That’s total bullshit.” I spat. I really didn’t understand why I was this mad, but I guessed he just hit a nerve. “Where the hell did that conversation come from?”

“Now what conversation would that be?”

“You know exactly what conversation I’m talking about Nicholas.”

“Oh wow, my full name – I really must’ve hit a nerve.” He said smirking. I smacked his arm with as much strength as I could muster. “Ow! What was that for?” He said finally turning his gaze towards me, his hand rubbing where I hit him.

“Oh, did I hit a nerve?” I mocked.

He narrowed his eyes, “Very funny.” He said, sarcasm dripping from his words.

“I know, now tell me what your problem is.”

“I would if I had one, but I don’t.”

“So you stormed out of my bus earlier for no apparent reason?”

“I didn’t storm, I just left.”

I rolled my eyes, “Yeah okay and I have blonde hair.”

“Well what do you want from me Morgan because so far this conversation has gone nowhere?” He said quietly as we walked into their dressing room.

I pulled him towards the corner of the room to get some form of privacy and spoke as quietly as possible. “What happened on my bus this morning?”

“I think you know seeing as you were there.”

“OhmyGod, you know what I mean!” I hissed in annoyance. “Why were you trying to convince me that love exists?”

“Because it does,” Nick answered simply.

“What brought up the question in the first place?” I asked, dodging the face that he was trying to start the argument again.

“It was just a question Morgan.”

“That is not ‘just a question’ and you know it.” I argued, crossing my arms. “There’s always a reason.”

He sighed and shook his head. “There was no reason; it was just a random question. Why can’t you believe that?”

“Because it’s you Nick! You were trying so hard to get me to agree with you. Why?” I whined desperately.

I finally was able to pull it out of him, “Because I was trying to figure you out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out.” I lied.

“Not true,” Nick said.

Before we could continue the conversation, Mr. Jonas called everyone over for a prayer and the camp fire.

I took my usual spot between Joe and Nick, each one grabbing my hand and bowing their heads in prayer. What I noticed was that one of them was gripping my hand tighter than usual – Nick. It was as if he was making sure I was still there; making sure I wouldn’t leave; making sure I wouldn’t fall.

What is going on? I asked myself as I found my hand gripping tighter around Nick’s as well. He glanced at me from underneath his lashes, questions flooding his face – probably the same questions that were all over mine. What is going on? Why were we gripping onto each other so tightly, so securely? What were we arguing about? Why were we arguing?

I was pulled out of my mind as everyone started piling on top of another, forming the camp fire. I put my hands up half-heartedly before plopping onto one of the couches.

People started piling out of the room to get ready for the start of the show or around the TV to watch to show. I let the world around me swirl as I, physically, sat still and stared blankly. But my mind was racing. I thought of all the questions. I thought of this morning. I thought of my past. I thought about how horrible and shitty it was. I thought of what I needed to do and how horrible and shitty it will be.

Blankly, I saw the world move around me as I sat still. I’ve always lived this way – live life still as the world rushed by me as a speeding car on the parkway. I realized that coming out here, coming on tour, I tried to move. And look what happened – a car crash, or an awaiting car crash that is. Because whether or not, whatever happens first – me breaking up with Joe or Kevin telling Joe everything – it’s not going to be pretty. Not at all.

I knew I had to do it first (I couldn’t bear having everything out), but I didn’t know when. I couldn’t do it now, before the concert, because that would just be horrid. And I couldn’t do it afterwards unless I wanted to be stuck on the Jonas’ bus or have Joe stuck on mine all night. I was confused.

“You need to do it soon.” I heard Kevin whisper from beside me.

Was I speaking aloud? I asked myself. “I know.”

“Just reminding you. I don’t want to do it, but I will if I have to.”

“Why?” I whined. “Why would you hurt me like that?”

He sighed and directed his attention towards Joe who was talking animatedly with Demi and Nick. “I don’t want to Morgan.” He repeated. “But he’s my brother.”

I sighed and sunk further into the couch. “I know,” I said. “I just don’t know when I’m going to do it.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” He started, a smirk creeping on his face. “Tonight. I told my parents and Dani that me, Joe, and Nick are staying on your bus to work on a new song.”

“You what!?” I wanted to yell, but kept my voice at a sharp whisper. “What possessed you to do that?”

“So you can do what has to be done and when it’s over, you two aren’t stuck anywhere alone.”

“I guess that’s a good idea.” I said hesitantly.

“You’re welcome. Just remember, you put yourself in this mess, now you have to do what you need to get out of it.” Kevin said before standing and walking to his brothers who were talking amongst each other. Demi was gone so she was probably getting ready for her set.

The concert was going quickly, faster than usual I thought. I didn’t know if this was a good or bad thing. Did I want to just get everything over with? Or did I want to stall as much as possible? “Ugh, I don’t know anything anymore.” I mumbled to myself.

I sighed in aggravation and pulled my feet up onto the couch, reclining. As my mind raced, I let my eyes close and, eventually, I fell asleep.

***

I awoke hours later, my body shifting slightly left and right. I noticed that something was holding me under my knees and around my back, but mostly I was in the air. My eyes flashed opened to see Joe’s face above me, his features just barely lit by the parking lot lights.

I started shifting in his grip and his face turned down to me, a smile illuminating his face. “Hey, morning sleepy.”

“Hi, um… why are you carrying me?” I asked, still slightly squirming in his grasp.

“Because I didn’t want to wake you, and stop squirming; we’re almost to your bus.”

I groaned but stayed quiet. I forgot that they were staying on my bus. But I didn’t forget that I had to do it tonight; I could never forget that.

About five feet ahead of us were Kevin and Nick talking to each other, but other than that it was a quiet walk to the buses. All I wanted to do was get out of Joe’s arms, but no matter how much I willed his feet to move faster, they never did. As the time that I had to do it grew nearer, I just wanted to get it over with.

Finally, Joe, Nick, Kevin and I got to my bus and climbed on. We all got changed into more comfortable clothing (which took twenty minutes because of only one bathroom and no door to the back room) and just relaxed with each other for a little.

“So what’s this song you have Kevin?” Joe asked.

“Oh, uh… you’ll hear it tomorrow. I’m too tired to go into it now.” Kevin replied, trying to cover the fact that he had nothing.

“Well in that case, I’m going to bed. I’m pooped. Night guys,” Joe said to his brothers. “Night Morgan,” He said to me. He leaned forward to kiss me, but I shifted my head so he kissed my cheek. Joe looked dejected and confused, but didn’t question and walked towards the bunks (thank God that there were four).

“Wait Joe,” Kevin said, making both me and Joe stop in our tacks. This was it.

“Yeah?” He asked.

I sighed and stood, “Can I talk to you?” I said for Kevin.

Again, he looked at me confused but nodded. I led him to the booth in the back room, but kept that door open just in case.

“What’s the matter babe?” Joe asked noticing that I was distraught.

I took a deep breath and avoided all eye contact. “Joe, this isn’t working.” I said softly.

“Wh-what?” I heard his voice break.

“This, us, it’s not working.”

Joe voice grew hard. “So what, are you breaking up with me?”

“Well that is really the only way to say it.”

“So you’re going to break up with me after three weeks! Are you serious!?” He started yelling, probably alerting Nick and Kevin to what was happening.

“I’m sorry Joe.” I said, trying to stay calm.

“Save it! I don’t want your apology. How could you do this? Did you even like me in the first place?”

“Apparently not as much as you,” I said, sighing. “Joe, I tired. I really did. There’s just no… chemistry.”

“So you stung me along this entire time! You are the biggest bitch I’ve ever met!”

Now I was angry. My gaze flashed up to his, my eyes flaming. “At least I gave it a chance and I didn’t end it with a twenty-seven second phone call!”

“You are seriously bringing that up! You have no idea what the circumstances were.”

“It’s still a sleazy move Joseph.” I spat.

“OhmyGod Morgan, you are such a heartless bitch. No wonder why you live with your uncle.”

“Joe,” Nick’s voice appeared from the entrance, a warning laced through it.

“Stay out of this Nick,” Joe hissed.

I ignored Nick and concentrated on what Joe said, “What” I seethed. “What did you just say?”

“I said,” Joe started, snapping his attention back towards me. “It’s no wonder why you live with your uncle. Your parents probably left you because you are a cold, heartless bitch.” He said, emphasizing his last words.

My eyes narrowed as anger flooded my entire body. That was a low blow. I stepped closer to him. I raised my hand and smacked him clear across the face, leaving a slight sting in my hand. “For your information,” I spat. “My father left because he was the ass, not me and my mother’s dead, you ass face. Don’t ever fucking talk to me again. Ever.” I said through gritted teeth, pushed past him and walked out of the booth. I slid between Kevin and Nick and occupied the archway to the backroom and jumped into my bunk, whipping the curtain shut.

Laying on my side facing the wall, I took a deep breath as I tried to calm my seething rage. But as I calmed down, I started to become upset as Joe’s words rang through my head and tears started to fly down my face.

But even though I was an emotion wreck and I probably just completely ruined my relationship with Joe (and possibly his brothers); it was over. I was free from the confining and stressing relationship that I had with Joe the past few weeks. I know that I put myself in that situation but I kind of felt… liberated slightly. But I couldn’t help but feel horrible. What Joe said was true. I did string him along. I gave him a false sense of security. I told him that I liked him even though I didn’t. I told him that I wanted to date him even though I didn’t.

I am a heartless bitch.

Someone pulled the curtain open gently, light spilling into my bunk when all I wanted was the darkness. “Morgan?” Nick’s soft, worried voice weaved through the air, hitting my ears gently. “Are you okay?”

I turned over to face him, revealing my tear stained face and red eyes. “Yeah, just peachy,” I responded, my voice cracking.

He smiled sadly as his eyes searched my face, “I’m sorry about what Joe said.”

I attempted to shrug, “Don’t be sorry; you have no control over what comes out of his mouth.”

“But it still wasn’t right for him to say.”

“Well it wasn’t right for me to lead him on, so I guess we’re even.” I said, turning back over to face the wall again. I heard Nick take a deep breath before my mattress started moving and the curtain was shut, sending me back into the darkness. I didn’t even bother to turn over, “What are you doing?” I asked, knowing Nick was lying centimeters away from me.

“Giving us some privacy so I can comfort you.” He responded as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears tried to escape. “I don’t deserve to be comforted. Didn’t you hear? I’m a heartless bitch.” I pushed out, slightly choking on my words.

“No you’re not. Joe just said that out of anger, he didn’t actually mean it.”

“But he’s right,” I said more firmly, but tears began to fall again. “It actually makes a lot of sense.”

“Morgan look at me,” Nick said, pulling on my waist, turning me over. When I didn’t look him in the eye, he grabbed my chin and forced my face up to his. “Morgan, you are the furthest thing from a bitch, especially a heartless one.”

I tried to blink back the tears. “Really Nick? Then why did I string Joe along? Why didn’t I say no even though I knew I didn’t feel the same as he did? Why do people always leave me alone? Why am I always left to fend for myself? Why can’t I trust anyone? Why don’t I believe in love? It’s all because I’m a heartless bitch.”

“I don’t believe that.” Nick said defiantly. “I think that you’ve been through hell and back and are just trying to protect yourself.”

“Oh you don’t even know.” I mumbled, tearing my head out of his hand.

“No I don’t, but what I do know is that you are just trying to play with the cards that God has dealt you. Forget about Joe and whatever happened just now because it means nothing. He’ll come around eventually and be the same guy you met a few months ago.”

I huffed, “No he’s not. He’s going to hate me forever.”

“He may surprise you.”

“If he’s like everyone else that’s been in my life, which he is, then he won’t.”

“Why?” Nick asked, completely perplexed.

“Because that’s what they all do. They hate me for trying to make them happy even though it doesn’t make me happy.”

“Morgan, what are you talking about?”

I sighed and flipped onto my back, “Nothing, just forget it. Thanks for trying to help me Nick.”

“No Morgan,” He said placing a hand on the opposite side of me, lifting his body up. “I’m not going to let you put your wall back up. Tell me.” He demanded, his face hovering just inches above mine.

I wasn’t able to divert my attention elsewhere; his eyes were right in front of mine. He gazed at me so intently; I swear he was looking right into me, right into my soul. His face was filled with emotions – worry, interest, confusion, need – and his eyes persuaded the words to fall out of my mouth.

“When I was six, my mother died in a car crash.” I started wearily. I hoped that Nick would stop hovering after I started, but he stayed where he was as he watched my every move as I told my story. “It was devastating. I don’t remember her much but I remember that all the people at her funeral were really upset. My father probably took it the worst. From what I remember, they were really in love – the love that you continually tired to convince me of its existence.

“He started drinking every day. At first it was a few beers, but as time progressed so did the amount. I don’t really remember a time after my mom’s death when he was sober. He barely paid any attention to me. The neighbor’s would take me to and from school and the only interaction my father and I had would be when he threw a piece of cold pizza in front of me for dinner. He also started going out all the time and left me alone in the house. He would leave while I was sleeping – though I always heard him leave – and come back by the time I woke up. But one day he didn’t come home. It wasn’t until the next day when he wasn’t home to give me my daily slice of pizza that I realized that he left me. It was probably because I reminded him too much of my mother and how quickly she was taken away from him.

“I ended up in an adoption agency, at this time I was seven years old. Within the first few months I was adopted by some family. They were nice at first and I tried to please them as best as I could. But after a few months I couldn’t pretend anymore and they didn’t like it. They brought me back to the agency and said I was ‘emotionally disturbed’.

“This pattern continued for years, until one point – I think I was about twelve or thirteen when couples just stopped trying. Yeah, I would get interviews but once they saw that I went to thirteen different families and always came back, they passed.

“I was one of the oldest in the home, but I wasn’t completely introverted. I was friendly with all the kids and was the younger one’s mentor; I guess you would call it. But none of them knew what I went through, except Jenn who I met there. She was one of the only people that I told at that time and only because she went through something similar, so we liked to compare stories. It was a strange fascination of ours.

“By the time I was fifteen, I had very few interviews with couples. But one woman, Julia Glidden, took a chance on me. Knowing that I was probably going to go back to the home, I put little effort into pleasing her. But she was fine with that. She was the only person that understood me without telling her anything. She allowed me to be myself. She didn’t try to turn me into her ideal daughter like every other family tried to do. It was amazing. I was able to develop my music again – before my mom died, she taught me how to play the piano – and I was finally able to live like I wanted without the fear of going back to the home.

“When I was sixteen, Julia filed and was granted full custody over me. She officially adopted me. It was one of the best days of my life. I was finally someone’s daughter again.

“But that was short lived. About four months before I came out here, Julia was mugged and stabbed on her way to the subway one day after work in the city. In her will she gave custody over to Uncle John which is why I’m here.

“So now do you understand why I am the way I am? Everything that was good in my life has been painfully ripped away from me. That’s why I don’t let anyone get too close to me. That’s why I don’t do things that make me completely happy. Because I always loose it in the end. And all the people that I’ve tried to please in the meantime just end up hating me like your brother. That is why I am a heartless bitch. Because it was taken away from me a long time ago.”

Nick stayed hovered over me with a shocked expression his face.

We stayed like this, still and quiet, for a long time as my story hung in the air around us, capturing every thought.

“I’m not going to leave you.” Nick finally spoke.

I shook my head, “Yes you are. Eventually everyone does.”

“That’s the thing Morgan, I’m not like everyone else.” He said firmly. His voice was filled with so much conviction that the only thing I could do was believe him.