Over Seas

Christmas break passed too quickly and I felt myself longing for more time away from school. Matt starred at me his arms crossed as I began packing my suitcase taking my dresses, shirts and pants off their hangers and folding them into my suitcase. He watched me as I carefully folded everything and then walked back to the closet to retrieve more cloths. I returned to find Matt pulling all of my folded things out of my bag and putting them on his dresser.

"Matt",I said placing the cloths I just grabbed on my bed and walking over to him,"What are you doing?"
I laughed but he looked serious,"I am unpacking your cloths",he said.
I tried to grab my cloths but he put his arms around me,"Well this hardly seems fair?",I said looking in his eyes.
"You leaving isn't fair",he smiled.
"I'm not going forever",I said trying to escape his grasp but giving because his hold on me was strong.
"I don't want you to go at all",he said.
I laughed,"Am I supposed to live in two places at one time,or something?"
"That's a great idea",Matt said.
"How would I even do that?",I asked him.
"You could live here on holidays and weekends",he said.
"Are you sure? what if your gone one weekened?",I asked.
"Yes I'm sure, I will let you know in advance so you can play to stay in your boring dorm",he laughed.
"Ok so what about cloths, tooth brush, shampoo conditioner..",I kept going but Matt stopped me.
"I will buy you whatever you need",he said,"I'll get you some cloths to wear here and a tooth brush and whatever you need."
"Matt, do you think it could work?",I said smiling at him.
"I know it will",he said kissing me and that was the end of that discussion, it was final I a was going to live with Matt.

Matt was true to his word and restocked his house with everything I needed, he even let me pick out all the cloths that I wanted. I felt so happy knowing we were kinda living together, I loved him and wanted to be with him everyday if I could. But we had to settle with the fact that I was still in college and for now this is how it had to be. Ellie couldn't believe it when I finally told her all about my winter break, Bollocks was used more than 10 times through out our conversation. Everything started to go back to normal as school started again. Especially the boy who'd become an extreme annoyance, Tom.

"How was your holiday?",asked Tom as he sat down in the desk next to mine.
"Fine, how was yours Tom?",I asked not really wanting to know.
"It would have been perfect",he said,"If this someone had returned my texts."
"Tom I'm sorry but I don't feel it right to text someone other than my boyfriend",I replied.
"Oh come on Lucy, I bet he's a real jerk",he said then he whispered moving closer to me,"I bet he only wants in your pants."
This made me very mad,"You know nothing about him so please don't go saying your unwanted opinion." I faced forward and didn't turn to look at him or in his direction the rest of the class.
I tried to hurry out the door as class ended but Tom beat me to the door,"I'm sorry Lucy",he said as I walked right past him,"I'm a jerk I know but I wish you would give me a chance."
Ellie walked up,"You don't deserve a chance from anyone you rat",she said taking my arm and we walked away.
"Thanks Ellie",I said,"He was bugging me all during class saying bad things about Matt, ugh he makes me so mad."
"Yeah that's Tom not just a rat but a roach as well always getting under your skin!",she said.
"I'm trying not to let him, I told Matt about him texting me and he got mad. He said some things that I don't think are very appropriate to repeat."
Ellie laughed,"I dated Tom you know",she said.
"You did?",I asked,"When?"
"Before I started dating Avery, Tom was a jerk to me and when we broke up and Avery and I got together he kept trying to get me back",she said,"He tried to make Avery break up with me and Avery would have too, it really tested our relationship but in the end your can't break up true love."
She smiled at her last part,"I think you and Avery have true love",I laughed,"I can see it when you two look at each oher."
"If it looks like you and Matt then it's true love",she said.
We laughed and then we parted ways until lunch, the day went by so slowly as I thought about stupid Tom and how I was going to rid of him. I was going to talk to Matt today and try to get his help on the matter. I sprinted to my room when class finished and began to dial Matt's number when I walked in my room to find him there.

"Hello",I said smiling at him.
He walked up to me and kissed me,"It's ok that I'm here right? Because if not I can leave..",he said but I cut him off with another kiss.
"No no you can be here",I said.
I sat down on my bed and he layed down on my lap,"I miss you, it is very lonely without you luce",he said.
I touched his face lightly,"I missed you too, sadly Tom has become a bigger annoyance than before",I said,"He started saying some bad things about you today and I got mad at him."
Matt laughed,"Did you tell him off?"
"I did",I said blushing.
"Well what are we going to do about this boy Tom?",he said.
"Maybe Avery might know what to do, Ellie said she and Avery had to deal with Tom when they started dating as well",I said.
"Ok we can ask them",he said sitting up his lips brushed mine. His arms moved up my back and I closed my eyes.
As his hands moved under my shirt Tom's words rang in my head and I couldn't get them out. Matt could feel something was wrong and pulled away looking at me,"Lucy",he said.
I opened my eyes and put my arms around his neck and layed my head on his chest. He put his arms around me and we layed down and cuddled with each other. Suddenly everything felt right again. I decided I wasn't going to let Tom get inside my skin anymore, and I began kissing Matt reassuring him that I loved him and it was ok for us to do what he wanted to do.

Matt got up and started putting on his cloths and layed there looking at him,"I don't want you to go",I said smiling.
He bent down and grabbed my face and kissed me,"I don't want to either."
"Then don't",I pulled at his shirt collar and kissed him again,"You could stay the night."
The look on his face said he was deeply considering it but then he said,"I can't", and he started to put his pants on.
I sat up feeling well kinda rejected,"Oh ok",I said and sat up puling the sheets around me.
"Don't be mad Luce',he smiled kissing me again and I pulled him back to me. He didn't fight it as he began to get back in the bed with me,"Dammit",he mumured and got out of the bed again putting on him shoes.
"I'm sorry",I laughed and he looked at me smiling.
"I hate not being able to stay, you know that right?",he asked,"Not because of the fact of what we might do again but that I hate not being with you Lucy."
"I know that and I know",I said and he sat down on the bed next to me.
He kissed my cheek and I felt myself blush as he put his arms around me,"Sadly I have work to do in america and I will be gone 2 weeks."
I layed my head on his shoulder,"You will tell me someday what you do right?"
He kissed my forehead,"Soon enough, but not soon enough."
I began laying down on my bed as he got up, I felt myself falling asleep as I said,"Love you Matt."
"Love you too Lucy",he smiled kissing my lips as he walked out the door.

I awoke to my light on it was 3 am and I remembered I was not dressed. I got up and put on my underwear and pajamas. I looked at my phone while I brushed my teeth Matt had left me a message saying he was on the plane and he would call me tomorrow and that he loved me. I smiled at this remembering I said I loved him as I fell asleep. Tom texted me a million times say hey, you busy?,what are you doing?,I'm sorry and so on. I delted all of his texts and walked back to my bed turning off my light and falling fast asleep.

Weeks passed by and so did the months as school went on. 2 Months went by so quickly I had forgotten about Matt's promise to me. I'd forgotten about Texas until Febuary 14th on Valentines day when I recieved a card from my mom.

Dear Lucy,
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write to you, I haven't known what to say to you. I still don't know what to say but your grandmam told me to try so here it is. I regret everyday of the day you were born, I regreted knowing I was bringing such a beautiful girl into the terrible world I lived in. I thought I needed to make you not love me to make you want to get out of the life we or you used to live. I don't think I made the right choice lucy but I felt I made the best I could for you. And I want you to know the day you left was the day I knew you would be safe and out of harms way.
Your father was crazy and I became like him because I thought I loved him. When we met in high school he told me all the time that I would never find anyone better than him. He convinced me that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough or smart enough to get any where in life. Hearing this everyday I began to believe it. When I got pregnant I considered abortion to save this baby, but my mother wouldn't let me and for months I tried to decided on what to do.
I wanted to have you adopted but your father told me he wouldn't let me give our baby away. He told me we were going to get married and be together forever, I was young and afraid so I married him. When we had you things were great for awhile, I got a job and put you in daycare. Everything was great until your grandparents started sending those checks. This was that started the bad, your father would buy beer and beg me to drink with him.
Not thinking clearly I started drinking and we started doing stupid stuff like having sex and leaving you alone for hours and hours. Then when you were 6 I could tell your father was getting tired of me because I would find him in your room kissing you while you were asleep. I decided I just needed him to love me so I convinced him to hurt you for fun and we would watch when we got drunk, then he and I would go downstairs and well you get the point. when you turned 8 he began getting up in the night and standing by your door, I hated you for taking away the man of my life so I tried to get him back to me. But it failed the day he hit me so hard I fainted and raped you in your room. I woke up to you screaming and calling out for me but I just stood outside your door mad at you.
I'm so sorry Lucy, I'm so sorry I let all this happen to you. I wanted to save you but I ended up hurting you instead and I can't forgive myself for what I've done to you. I just can't, and I don't know if I ever will. I never expected you to tell me you had forgiven me and that you loved me. I expected you to say how much you hated me but I'm so glad I was wrong. I'm so glad you are nothing like me, and that you got away when you did.
I do love you Lucy I always have but I've done a terrible job showing it. I wanted you to know I left your father 2 years ago and have been trying to get my life straight. I just moved back in with your grandmam and I haven't had a drink of beer since the day you left. I also wanted to tell you, you have a brother. His name is Christopher, and he is 2 years old and had blonde curly hair and the bluest eyes you've ever seen. I want you to meet him and be apart of his life so when you finally move back after college maybe we can start over again.
I just want to be a good mom to him and to you or at least do the best I can. I love you Lucy and I'm so glad you wrote me. Maybe you can come visit over the summer or we can all fly down to see you. Who knows? Please write back soon, and be safe especially with this boy. I know it's not really my place because of the terrible mother I've been but just be careful.

Love your,
Mom

I was sitting at Matt's house waiting for him to get back from the store when I read this. The letter slipped from my hands as Matt appeared in the doorway. He began talking to me but I didn't hear him I just sat there staring at the wall. She wanted me to come back to see my brother. Of course I wanted to see my brother and be apart of his life, but I wanted to stay with Matt even more than I wanted to go back. Something about going back there felt wrong being here felt right.

Matt was still talking to me but then noticed when I didn't respond and began walking over to me.

"Lucy",he said,"Lucy",he bgan waving his hand in my face.
I looked at his eyes,"I'm sorry."
He looked at me,"Are you alright?",he asked.
I picked up the letter and let him read it all. When he finished he said,"Lucy she wants you to go back."
"I don't want to go back though",I said looking up at him,"Matt I love you and I don't want to go any where you aren't."
"I love you to Luce",he said kissing my head,"But you can't abandon your family."
"You want me to go back?",I said jumping to conclusions like always.
"I want you to do what's best for you, I would love for you to stay here with me but I don't want to stand in the way of your family",he said.
I didn't know what to do,"Matt I just, I don't know. Your making me confused. I want to stay here and you want me to leave basically",I said.
"Lucy that's not what I want",he said getting mad.
"Yes it is",I said feeding his anger,"Your telling me to leave basically."
He was yelling,"How am I saying that?"
"Because your not asking me to stay',I said crying.
Matt was angry but he pulled me in his arms and held me,"Lucy I love you and I don't want you to leave, I want you to stay",he said taking my face tears streamed down my face,"I just want you to be happy."
"Matt I am happy, happier than I have ever been",I said putting my hands on his,"I want to see my family but you've become my family. Ellie,Avery and you have become a family of people who love me. That's something I've never had, and I don't want to lose that by trying to get something I never had back in Texas."
Matt kissed my forehead,"you've become my family too Luce."
"I will go visit them but I'm choosing to stay here, if you want me to",I said looking into his eyes.
"I want you here more than anything Lucy"he said kissing me and my worries slipped away.

I decided to write my mom back while Matt was asleep.

Dear Mom,
I'm so glad you wrote me back and I am looking forward to visiting you all during the summer, but I am not going back to Texas after college. When I left I found something I never had, love and a family. Of course grams has always been my family but I never had that with you. And I don't know if me going home and leaving the family I've found to get one I never had will solve our problems. Mom we won't have the relationship I have always wanted because we can't change the past. I have forgiven you, but you said you haven't forgiven yourself.
But you need to mom, for christophers sake or else you will always be afraid to love him. And he needs your love more than I do. He is going to be so strong when he grows up because he will have a great mother looking out for him. I promise I will come out to visit every summer and maybe some christmas's but I want to stay here. Mom I've fallen in love with someone who wants to look out for me. He wants to take care of me and I want to take care of him.
Everytime he walks in the room I never doubt that I love him, never. He has become my everything and I cannot lose him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I hope he feels the same way but the only way to know for sure is to find out. I just hope you understand and want to support me with my decision. I do love you mom and I always will, I can't wait for you to meet Matt when we visit and I can't wait to meet Christopher.

Love your Daughter,
Lucy

Sealing the letter I put it in a envelope and walked to the mailbox sticking it in. I felt the wind blow my hair and a weight come off my shoulders, I knew I was making the right choice. As I walked home I felt more and more excited about what was to come. Climbing in bed next to Matt I kissed his cheek and layed down closing my eyes with a smile on my face. The past can only hold us back but the future can move us forward to a new life and a new day....