Journey to the Past

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I never, ever in a millennium thought I’d come to this again. I looked in the mirror of the bathroom, staring at my ghostly white skin and my eyes that held the worst of sights. Scout wasn’t here. She’d gone to go get coffee and would be back soon. Every day girls come in and pretend they’re Andrea. Scout’s right. She’s just dead—like everyone else. It’s hopeless.

But… I have nothing to live for now.

So why live?

I stared at the razor I gripped in my left hand, and I gripped it even tighter. Was I honestly going to? I knew it wasn’t right, that I was being stupid, but I just felt like I had to, I needed to. I wanted to.

Thirty seven?

I might as well be sixteen again and being pushed around and called emo, faggot, cutter, who knows what else, but the upsetting emotion that I’d gotten from that had slowly and painfully built up inside me again and I couldn’t take it any more. I wanted it gone now. I had to let it out.

I wonder why Scout puts up with me. I can’t help but appreciate the love and support she gives me, but why does she put up with me anyway? I’m not worth it.

I lifted the razor up to my right wrist and hesitated.

The door opened.

Fuck.

“ANDYDEAN WE’RE GOING OUT! YOU NEED TO GET OUT!”

I couldn’t help it. I smiled when she said, “Andydean.” I dropped the razor and walked out, thankful she’d come right on time.

“Where?” I’d asked when I was down at the front door.

“I dunno. Out? You need to get out of this hell hole of a house, Andy.” She gave me a sad smile and I nodded, a smile coming up again. I haven’t smiled like this in a while. It felt kind of great. She took my hand and we ran to her car.

Fuck that. Inside, I’m not even twenty. I’m still a kid inside, and so is she. Can’t the world see that? = ]

---
ANDREA’S POINT OF VIEW

One week later.

I’ve realized Logan, Haley, and Alex like to keep to themselves a lot. It’s saddening. Erin, Vinnie and I would go one way and the other three would go the other. Vinnie thinks we’re crazy because he yet has to meet them. It’s so weird. Whenever he comes around, the three disappear off somewhere. I don’t get it, but we’re all traveling anyways.

California.

Long Beach California, that is.

This beach was pretty awesome. We’d hit the mall and gotten clothes and what not and bathing suits and towels. I actually know how to swim. I simply knew it. I didn’t understand how though.

The trouble was that after a few hours of lying on the sand and splashing around and stuff, I’d noticed someone on the beach that gave me chills and made my heart pound like crazy. Hadn’t I seen him back in Vegas? I swallowed hard. I had to quickly look away when his head snapped quickly to look at me. I really don’t like him. Why is he following me like that?

Haley, Logan and Alex had gone off to go get a hotel. I really want them right now.

“Guys, can we go?” I asked softly.

“Sure? What’s up?” Vinnie asked.

“There’s someone here I don’t like. That’s what’s up.” Something weird was happening. I know it. I packed up our stuff quickly, Erin and Vinnie helping, and we headed off. As we did, though, I glowered at this guy. His eyes never left me and I shuddered when they traveled up and down my body.

My stomach twisted uncomfortably and I hugged Vinnie and Erin. They didn’t question, at least, and we kept on walking.

While in the car, we stopped over a meadow. What an interesting meadow. I told Vinnie to stop driving so I could look at it some more. It was gorgeous. I’ve never seen anything like it. I smiled and stepped out of the car and ran towards the meadow.

I felt so drawn here for some reason.

I stood in the middle and smiled. It was beautiful.

Not really.

The roses were all dead.

I knew they were roses, but the meadow was covered in them all, and they were all dead.

Kneeling down, I laid in the grass and just stayed there for a long time. I wanted to be alone now and just forget the world. This was crazy. I needed to be alone now. I took in a huge, lovely deep breath and let it out. It was so peaceful here. I don’t ever want to leave. It’s so lovely and perfect.

Lovely.

Roses are love.

I heard people talking, suddenly, and I sat up.

A girl with dar, shiny, pretty hair and a boy with pale white skin and black teased hair walking and talking.

My heart pounded and something inside me exploded. I didn’t understand this feeling. Actually, my whole body was about to explode. I don’t understand. I looked down at the roses and took one in my hand, ripping it softly from the ground.

I gasped.

The dead rose bloomed, the crushed and hardened and brown petals moving, turning into the bright red shade and perfectly curved and soft petals that layered each other. How could that happen? How… how could a flower do that? It’s impossible!

I looked up at Vinnie had climbed out of the car, looking at me to the two people walking, his eyes wide as the sky. Erin came out also.

I stood up slowly and stared at the two people walking. My head had NEVER hurt like this. It hurt so much I was crying. I didn’t understand.

Logan, Haley and Alex were suddenly at my side. I gasped. Where had they come from?!

They all smiled at me and Alex tugged on my jeans so I could crouch down to him.

“I love you, sister,” He whispered. He threw his arms around me and I hugged him back just as tightly, and I cried, cried and cried and cried because of the pain and because something in my head was suddenly turned on—as if when Alex had said that, something had woken up.

I stood up then and looked at the couple walking.

“DAD!” I yelled, and started to run.

He turned and his eyes softly widened. Blue eyes. A lip ring. Teased hair. Tight ass jeans, leather jacket and a very skinny figure. I remember that face! I remember him! He had given me the paper and the teddy bear. The head band was his originally. I remember, I remember! I cried even more as memories of this person—my dad—had started coming at me. I’ll tell you, though, the memories were painful each time I remembered something. It overwhelmed me. I suddenly ignored the pain and when I’d gotten to him, I hugged him.

I never cried so much in my life, but Dad walked me slowly back to the meadow and sat me down again.

When did ALL the roses bloom?

When I wasn’t crying anymore, dad looked at me, taking me in. His eyes studied me and smiled sometimes at random. He sat me down on his lap and I reached into my pocket and gave him the song he’d given me. He looked confused at first and took it, unfolding the square paper.

But when he started to read it, his eyes were watery and a tear escaped his left eye.

He hugged me ever so tightly and he buried his face to my shoulder. He cried. He really did. I couldn’t help but cry again. I can’t be anymore clear than that. The feeling of finally finding my own father here—after having these dreams and everything else, and no memory of my past for ten years—is unexplainable—a good unexplainable.

Alex was standing there, facing me, smiling, right behind dad.

”I love you, sister.” He’d said.

I swallowed and pulled dad up and turned him around to face Alex.

His eyes widened also, and his face was in complete disbelief. “It can’t be…” He whispered, crouching down to Alex.

Haley and Logan appeared from nowhere and they were very transparent, but they smiled. I noticed Alex was beginning to be transparent, also. Dad looked at them also and his hand went to his mouth, at a loss for words.

Why were they transparent?

But the answer hit me like a train.

“You’re…” I whispered.

The three of them nodded.

“Andy! Andrew Dennis Biersack!” I heard. I turned around at the sound, not seeing the source of it. Dad stiffened and picked Alex up, who started giggling. Dad had stopped crying by now, but I think he was looking for the source of the voice too.

Another transparent figure I’ve never seen before had come running to us like it’d be the end of the world. Dad put Alex down and he took my hand so I was closer to him. The girl running to us was maybe a bit older than Haley, but something about her drew me in even more than everyone. Her hair reminded me of my own. Her eyes were like mine, her smile was like mine, her paleness along with Dad’s…

“Mom,” I whispered, my voice breaking at the sight of her.

“Andrea Michelle! Look at the trouble you’ve gotten into!” She told me. I gasped. She’s talking to me. She tsked at me and smiled, kissing my forehead. “Buy my how you’ve grown. You’re so beautiful! Oh my gosh. I feel older than I am. Oh damn.” She laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh also while I cried. “Something tells me you don’t quite have all your memory back.”

How did she know?

“Mothers know everything,” She told me with a smile so much like mine. She looked at Dad and her smile faded softly. I looked up at Dad who looked about ready to explode, but he was definitely keeping it cool—trying to, at least. “Ohhey, love.” She told him.

“Michelle,” He whispered.

“I’m not worth crying over, so don’t.” She snapped at him.

“B-but!”

“Don’t be a kid.” She told him.

She kissed him.

“D’awwwwwwwww.” Logan said sarcastically.

“You little shit brain!” Haley told him.

They both hugged me tightly and kissed my cheeks. I giggled while a few tears escaped. “We’ll always be with you,” They whispered. I nodded, believing it strongly. The two of them looked sadly at me as they backed away, and Logan looked at Haley, sticking his tongue out at her. She started to chase him, and he ran off, as they ran, they dissolved away.

I sniffled and Alex came to me.

“Please don’t leave,” I whispered. “I haven’t gotten to know you much.” I pleaded. “You’re my little brother. I want to know more!” I begged. “I want to be there for you and love you and care for you and just… please don’t leave.” I whispered, crying a bit. I felt like Alex—though I didn’t know him, really, at all—seriously meant the world to me. He smiled sadly and patted my head.

“I won’t really leave.”

“But I want to see you. I know you’ll be here, but—”

He hugged me.

“I love you sister. Thanks for trying to save me. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister, anyways. I’ll watch over you and keep you safe, ok? It’s the least I can do for you being such a great sister to me while I was alive. You won’t forget me, right?”

How could the little brat do that to me?! I’m already sad as it is!

Ohmygosh. Sisterly love.

I kissed his cheek and nodded. “You’re so cute,” I told him. He smiled toothily. I giggled. “I love you, brother.” I told him.

“Back atcha!” He said, and hugged me once more before he took out a pixie stick. “Mom! Don’t get mad. I don’t want Andrea to waste her money, so I HAVE to eat this.” He skipped off with the pixie stick in his mouth, and he disappeared too.

I couldn’t cry anymore. I think my tears had fallen out for the day. I stood up and mom was smiling at dad, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. She looked at me now and embraced me.

Memories flooded back, coming at me nonstop and all at once. I whimpered and my head killed. I vaguely heard mom say, “I love you” and kiss my cheek, but I blacked out after that.

---
ANDY’S POINT OF VIEW

Erin was sleeping in one of the guest rooms, and I had on a permanent grin when I learned Vinnie was THE Vinnie, our Vinnie, but my grin couldn’t compare to the feeling that Andrea was here in my life again. It was unexplainable—the good unexplainable.

I can’t believe I saw Alex again. The little goober, getting high off of sugar, basically. I smirked and wiped away a tear. What a sly little boy. Haley was there, also. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t even believe seeing the infamous Logan. I remember even back when I’d met Michelle and she still hated me at the time, but she had asked me kindly to drive her to the cemetery so she could visit Logan’s grave. I didn’t know ghosts could travel so far.

Angels, I mean.

Michelle…

The minute I saw her, I honestly couldn’t breathe. Funny thing was she was just… so beautiful to look at, and she was talking and smiling and her eyes sparkled, and what? She’s dead. I haven’t seen her for ten long, dreadful years, and this all suddenly happens out of nowhere. Michelle had kissed me, and I just wanted to keep her with me forever and protect her and never let her go, but I knew it couldn’t ever be again. I’m thankful to even have had a miraculous chance to see her again—to see Alex again.

I’m usually not good at this.

I placed the warm, wet towel over her forehead as she slept. It scared me how much she looks like Michelle and I as one. My daughter. Here. With me. Now. The feeling is so overwhelmingly perfect. I’ll protect her always and love her and everything a father should do. I need to give her ten years worth of that soon. She needs it, and I need my daughter now, too.

There was a soft knock in—what is now—Andrea’s door, and I said, “Yeah?” cause I’m cool like that. Scout had come in and was smiling brightly at me.

“I can’t believe it,” She said.

“Me neither,” I agreed.

She sat down next to me on the bed and we looked at Andrea in silence. “She looks a lot like you,” She told me.

“Thank you,”

“And she looks like Michelle—maybe even more like Michelle than you, by like ten percent more, so it’s like sixty percent Michelle and forty percent you.” I love how she was, making every mood lighter. I smiled at her and nodded in agreement. “Her friend Erin is adorable.”

“I know.”

“And Vinnie! I can’t believe it!”

“Yeah. Gunna have to keep an eye out.” I mumbled. Scout smacked my chest, rolling her eyes.

“She’s eighteen,”

“Shit, she’s an adult.” I muttered. “What if she doesn’t want to stay?”

“I’m pretty sure she will, Andy.” Scout said, and I looked at her. She was serious. I nodded. We looked back at Andrea as she stirred in her sleep. She was talking in her sleep now. I tried to listen as it became more clear.

“Nate stay away from me…” she mumbled, and her legs jumped up to her so she was now curled up in a ball.

Nate.

I’ll kill him if it’s the last thing I do.

He’s not getting anywhere near Andrea. Fuck no.

-Phantasmagoria-
Noun: 1. a shifting series of phantasms, illusions, or deceptive appearances, as in a dream or as created by the imagination. 2. an optical illusion produced by a magic lantern or the like in which figures increase or diminish in size, pass into each other, dissolve, etc.