Anything for a Laugh

"I like to play games," he says, a slight edge to his tone. I mentally prepare myself for what he's about to say. "Especially ones between the sheets. I mean, sheets are so soft, you know?"

Oh, Jesus. There's always that catch after the normal statement. More sex jokes? I don't voice any of these thoughts, but instead, bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. Smiling only encourages him to be even more sexual.

He doesn't give up. "And sometimes it gets so hot I have to take off my shirt. What? What's with that face? You were thinking of something else weren't you? I'm just talking about board games! I really like board games."

I nearly lose it then. I feel my lips curling up into a smile and force them back down while simultaneously trying to say, "Yeah. I can tell." It comes out muffled as I try to keep a straight face.

"I'm just trying to tell you about stuff I like," he explains, holding his hands up in surrender.

I give him a sarcastic look, eyes looking upward, head cocked, smirk in place. "Sure you were."

"Hey, it's not my fault your mind is in the gutter. You shouldn't be thinking such thoughts."

"I'm completely innocent!" I say innocently, trying to make my eyes as wide as I can without looking like a total idiot.

"You're anything but innocent," Kyle counters from my right side.

I glare at him. "Shut up."

I hear Lenny laugh and turn my gaze on him. "You shut up too."

He laughs harder. "I'm not the one thinking nasty thoughts."

I roll my eyes and give up. I'm just digging myself deeper and deeper. I sit back in my chair and cross my arms, signifying the end to this conversation.

-x-

"You know, I'm fine with gays, but lesbians just freak me out," I say honestly. "They're just so...manly. You know?"

Lenny gasps at me. "What?! That's so discriminatory!"

"What? It's just what I feel! I love gays! I just told you its lesbians that freak me out!"

"What do you have against gays? They're people too!" He grips Naveen tightly by the shoulders. Naveen doesn't react.

"I don't have anything--you know what? Whatever. I'm done with this." I shrug in surrender. I can't be bothered to argue about gays when I really have no problem with them.

Lenny blabs for a little bit about how gays are people too and Naveen backs him up. I focus on the movie and try to tune them out. I'm done with the gay stuff. They're not getting a reaction out of me. Not this time.

After ten minutes of harping on me, they finally give up and go back to talking about other gay stuff.

Whatever.

-x-

The bell eventually rings and I book it out of there real fast. No more gay stuff for me.

Unfortunately, it's not fast enough, because right by my side is Lenny. He just slinks up to me like a cat. I don't even realize he's there until he opens his damn mouth. I sigh internally as Naveen pops up on my other side.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

I'm definitely not religious.

"You know, I think I'm going to go home and have a nice good cock rub," Lenny states crudely.

I stare at him. What the fuck? Did he really just say that? "Um, ok?"

"That's a good idea Lenny," Naveen sucks up. "Tell me how that feels."

"Oh, believe me. I will. All the JUICY, HOT details of cock rubbing."

I squeeze my eyes shut to make sure I'm not dreaming. Nope, no such luck. It's all real. Cocks and everything. Lenny follows me to the end of the hall where he splits to go to the bathroom and I can finally take a breather.

Amber eyes me funnily. "I was about to call you but then I saw you walking with Lenny." Her tone is suggestive.

"Ohh no. Nothing is going on. Seriously." I thwart her attempt before she even attempts it.

"I didn't say anything. But what if he asked you to prom?"

"He has a girlfriend. I don't know how she stands it." I pity her. Lenny is unpredictable in a way.

Amber nods her head from side to side. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I never knew he was that perverted or that big of a flirt."

"Oh trust me, he is. He just spend the last five minutes talking to me about masturbation and how it feels."

"Eugh, I'm sorry girl."

"Yeah. Me too. Me too." And my answer is completely honest.

-x-

Over the weekend I contemplate how to tackle AP Euro on Monday. Maybe, if I'm lucky, Lenny will sit far, far away. But, fat chance of that happening because Brian sits near me. And they're practically glued to the hip.

Plus, if he really did sit far away, class wouldn't be so amusing. I weigh the pros and cons. It doesn't help so I give up and wait for Monday to come to me.

And come it does, in full battle mode. Most surprising class of them all.

September twenty first.

I walk into class and all the seats in the back are open. I take the middle seat of one the tables. Kyle sits to my right. There are two opens seats on my left and two behind me. Am I setting myself up?

Maybe.

Brian walks in first and approaches the table quietly. I look up when I hear the chair clanking against my chair. Oh, he wants to sit here? Huh.

"Here, I'll move the chair. Just a sec."

I shift my chair back and loosen the chair he's chosen. He plops down beside me and says, "Feels just like Computer Programming huh?"

"What? Oh, freshman year? Yeah. It kind of does," I agree flatly. Where is this going?

My nervous radar goes haywire and I glance at him quickly. He's staring straight at me. What the hell?
Ok, something is definitely up.

Cindy walks in next and takes a chair behind me. Fifteen minutes into class and Lenny and Naveen walk in. Lenny takes the far chair next to Brian, thinks better of it, and moves to sit behind me. I gulp nervously.

Ok, something is DEFINITELY up. And it's killing me not knowing.

Almost instantly, the torture begins. I talk to Kyle for two seconds. Lenny reprimands me for being too friendly and hitting on Kyle. Which I totally wasn't. I never would.

"Leave the poor guy alone, Dylan," he says.

I open my mouth to complain. "I'm not--whatever." I turn back around quickly but I don't miss his smirk.

Why is he so good at this game?

Again and again, Lenny props his feet on my chair, makes sexual references to everything I say, and straddles Brian's chair.

At one point, I try to move his feet of, one at a time. I push the first on off, but this makes Lenny look like he's spreading his legs toward me and I immediately regret.

"Ooh, spreading my legs, Dylan? What is it that you want?" He winks at me and raises his eyebrows.

I push his other foot off in disgust. "No effing way, Lenny. I wasn't thinking anything."

They pretend to have a little gay fest a couple times. It's awkward, to say the least.

It usually starts with Lenny leaning over Brian, one arm wrapped around Brian's shoulder, patting his nipple. I don't miss the little rubbing and circles. Holy shit. That is so gay, I think.

"How does this make you feel, Dylan?" Lenny asks in his calm, but clearly mischievous tone of voice.

"It makes me feel....violated. Ok?"

Dylan: 1, Lenny: one million. But hey, at least I have one point against the guy.

Lenny's techniques continue to fail so he starts in on me.

First, it's merely taps on the shoulder and small strokes. I shiver and glance back at Lenny a couple times.

"I know it's you. Stop it," I say sternly.

Lenny opens his eyes wide at me. "What? I don't know why you think people keep touching you."

Fuck this, I think, and cross my arms.

On several occasions, I find myself leaning forward to avoid being touched, only to realize that his arm is still pretty long. Fail, Dylan, fail.

Cindy gets up momentarily to get a book from her car and Brian shifts back to join forces with Lenny.
Not. Good.

For the rest of the period I am poked, prodded, getting my hair pulled, and weirdly of all, getting blowed on the neck. If that makes sense. It was chilly.

"Stop blowing on me!" I snap at them.

Of course, this sounds sexual and Lenny pounces on it.

"BLOWING? Who said anything about blowing?"

"Not THAT! Christ. At least stop tapping me." I try a new tactic.

It doesn't work.

"You tapped Dylan?" Brian asks jokingly.

I expect this from Lenny, not shy, quiet Brian. Now I'm speechless.

They laugh in unison behind me and I can't wait for the period to end. Only, I'm really not prepared for what the end of class brings.

Lenny is at my side in a heartbeat after I get off the phone with Amber.

"Where you headed?"

"Bridge. To meet Amber."

"Cool." He pauses. "Hey, what would you say if I said Brian liked you?"

I stare incredulously at him. What? Did I just hear right? "Ummmm....I don't know?"

"Well, what if I said Brian thinks you should rape him?"

Ummmmm...WHATTHEFUCK.?????

"Yeah...I'm not into that stuff. Sorry. Raping is not my thing."

Lenny looks at me, dead serious. "Well, I think Brian likes being dominated. And raped. He wants you to rape him."

I swallow and take a moment to think this through. What the f am I going to say to that. What does anyone say to that?

"uhhhhh...no," is all I can come up with.

Lenny laughs and then talks about how he's a middle man. "You see, I have a girlfriend so I'm a middle man. And by the way, all the touching was Brian. He started the thing."

I have no idea what he's saying, half the time I don't, but I get the feeling that he's talking about setting me up with Brian. "Okkkkk," I respond.

Yadda yadda yadda. More middle man stuff.

Right before we reach the boys bathroom Lenny stops me. "So what would you say if he asked you on a dinner date?"

I tilt my head back at him as I walk away. "Well, when is he going to ask me?" It comes out sassy and teasing, not what I meant to do.

I walk away before he can respond.

It takes me a moment to realize that probably wasn't the right thing to say.

Oh, fuck. Now Brian probably thinks I want him to ask me.

I am in a dilemma.

Thought: if Brian really wanted to go out with me, why didn't he have the balls to ask me himself?

And why have Lenny, OF ALL PEOPLE, do the dirty work for him?

I mean, it's LENNY. Can I trust him? Or is he just being meddlesome and trying to hook his friend up with a girl?

But Lenny usually isn't one to lie about things like this, so what does this all mean?