To Be Extraordinary

School

This year, I want to be me in public – not hiding behind a computer screen.

UGH School. I am not looking forward to it, though I am looking forward to the social aspect of the year. I am excited for the bucket list and my project coming to life. I am not looking forward to the work or having to do college applications and scholarship forms and shit like that. I can’t wait for my life to begin, where I’m on my own and getting out there to experience whatever else is out there, and yet I don’t want to be bothered with any of the preparations.

Like Em and I said; I wish there was a hat like in Harry Potter where they just put it on your head and it tells you where you’re going to go to school and what you’re going to become/major in so that there would just be one less thing off of your shoulders, because being a teenager is fucking hard! Especially being a teenage girl!

Also, even though I hate the people in my school, I am going to go to Homecoming. I am going to participate in Lipsync and the Senior Scavenger Hunt. I’m not going to let my “social status” at school keep me from doing all these “right of passage” things. I don’t give a fuck about any of their opinions anymore. This is me. This is who I am, and I couldn’t give two shits if I embarrass myself. They can go fuck themselves because after this year I don’t have to deal with any of those burnout fuckers ever again! And who the fuck do they think they are to judge me? One of these days I’m going to be extraordinary, and they’ll just be wishing they were in high school again so they could be back on top.

Where I Think I Stand With My Friends

Well, since I did a friend overview before, I might as well do another one.

Courtney: Courtney is and will forever be my best and closest friend. I love the fact that I have so much influence over her because she’s kind of like the Shannon to my Nicole. I could show her anything that I love and she will soon fall in love with it too, and I love that about her. She’s the only one of my friends that actually kind of likes what I like and just sort of gets me. And I’m glad I have her for that because I feel that me and my group of friends are just still friends because we’ve grown up together, and we tolerate and some of us try to take an interest in what the others like, just because we are close friends. But, Court, I got her. We decided that we’re starting Relay fundraising early and we’re gonna learn how to make carnival food to sell so we have the best bake sales ever! We share boy dilemmas. And creeper stories. And we go along with each other’s crazy-ass ideas and plans until they fail or we just lose interest in them. She’s also been talking to him more and more, and well, when I said I still cared a little bit, here’s an example. I still wish it was me, but I’m glad that it is Courtney because she doesn’t think anything of it but sweet, platonic friendship. All-in-all, I love her. She’s my one true best friend that I know I will be friends with once we depart into college. I just don’t know if I can be away from her for that long. We’re gonna haveta video chat once a week…

Nicole: I’ve seen her a few times this summer and we’ve talked a little bit, but I kinda feel like she just wants to be left alone and be by herself a lot this summer. We don’t really have much in common, interest wise. Yes we have school, but what else? We don’t like the same music, though we do make each other listen to it and sometimes they’re catchy and end up in our itunes. We’re good at talking and listening to one another. That’s something I love about Nicole. I love the fact that I can talk to her about almost anything – things that I can’t tell Courtney and definitely no one else. When she went through her boy phase, I felt like we had this sort of bond, like we finally understood one another to some extent. When it comes to college, I don’t know if we’re going to stay close. With her it’s pretty iffy I guess. Though there is a slight chance we might go to the same school, and we might hang out every now and again if we do, but I feel like after freshmen orientation we’d go our own separate ways, and maybe only get together when we’re home on breaks.

Rhonda: We’re sort of starting to patch things up and get over the huge elephant in the room. We’re starting these crazy projects and things to make this year the best year ever; we’ll as Third Eye Blind just said I guess we’ll see. We haven’t talked about the past at all, and I kind of want to keep it that way. As for college, we may or may not end up at the same place, it’s pretty iffy too. But I think that we will maybe, minimally keep in touch because we both are insane and always have these crazy ideas running through our heads that we both like to go along with until they fail. I really don’t know where I stand with Rhonda. I want to say that we’re friends again, but, it’s hard. We’ll never be friends like we were before, and I think that maybe, just maybe, if we talk about it or anything that’s bothering us for that matter it will either make us stronger or just break us. I really don’t know. What I do know is that, well, Rhonda plans on us getting together a lot when we’re home on breaks and shit. That’s now though, who knows if I’ll fuck all that up too…

Bryanne: I’ve saw and hung out with her a couple times, not much though. She does seem to text me every day though… I know that Bry and I will probably – most likely not be going to the same college. And I don’t really know where our friendship will go. I think that we’ll probably text each other every now and again and maybe write on each other’s facebook walls. I don’t really know. I also don’t really think that I know Bry that well and I think that I should make it a point to get to know her more this year instead of constantly making fun of her like everybody else. I guess time will only tell with this one.

Matthew: He’s changed. My best friend has changed so much. He’s more of an arrogant asshole if anything, and sometimes it pisses me off; but I have learned over the years to tolerate him. I also feel as if we’re drifting apart. We used to talk every day, and now, not so much. He’s definitely getting out there and making other friends like the social butterfly he is, unlike me who likes to stick to myself and not deal with any of those fuckers. He likes to get fucked up and then brag about it days later. Even though I wish I could do that too, but I’m just not in the right crowd. Hopefully college will change that… But, anyway, I think we’re definitely going to drift apart when it comes to college, because we’re starting to now, as much as I don’t want to admit it. I need Matthew in my life, but he just doesn’t really seem like he wants to stay. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do if he’s not in my life. I need him. As much as he fucking annoys and pisses me off, I need him. He’s like the Chelsea to my Brian. I love him. It’s as simple as that.

Shannon: She’s insane. I love her. She’s so influential, but more to Nicole than anything, though we do both share a beautiful love for All Time Low and Jack Barakat. I rarely saw her this summer because her cousins were over from Ireland. I really hope that we do stay good friends through college because we’ve been friends since first grade, and I just don’t know what I’d do without her out-of-the-loop spy ways.

Ian: I saw him twice this entire summer. And, according to Matthew, he is now into drinking which is really surprising because he was one of the two people giving us shit about underage drinking a few months ago. As for the college realm, we are definitely going to drift apart unless this year makes us somewhat closer…

Kirn: I now have more respect for her after that one night. I also only saw her like twice at games and then she just stopped showing up. I think that Kirn’s going to be one of those people who get into a really great school and then just cuts off all contact from everyone from high school, except for Rhonda because they have some really great bond. And she’s kind of mad at me for those two sentences I wrote about her back in like December.

Crystal: Damn. This bitch is crazy and I love her loads. She is my tumblr friend and she makes my life interesting with all her drama with family and internet boys. I have a feeling we are going to be friends for a long while, unless she gets put into another psych-ward.

Dylan: He is Crystal’s best friend, and he’s just kind of in my life. I need him here so we can get the story straight on crazy, here. And I also need him in my life, well, just because he’s Dylan the heir to Wendy’s and he knows people. Namely the Squire’s. And his cousin Trey is in love with The Maine and knows people at Warner Bros. It would be very helpful if I do decide to go into the music industry to have Dylan around.

Criss: What do I write here? I’m on Skype with her right now as we try to write her chapter for Chaos but we keep getting distracted by tumblr. Yes, she’s my tumblr friend. We can talk for forever and ever and ever. I think we’ll be pretty close for a while, though I do feel like we’re drifting a little bit. But we will forever have Chaos to bring us back together. And Kennedy Brock too haha.

Personals I’ve Written on Tumblr

3 days ago: I feel like I’m a ten year old.
I’m so innocent and reserved in public and around others, and, god, this isn’t me. I’m fucking insane. If only social encounters were as easy as talking to my dog; she loves hanging out with me. And it would be a lot easier if people weren’t as judgmental right away… Idek. I just wish I could be me in front of everyone else.

1 week ago: So I was reading Wuthering Heights, and I was doing really good too - I got two chapters down, summarized all the five I’ve read, and then checked Sparknotes to make sure my summarization made sense. And I was getting really into the book too when my sister starts bitching around because she can’t find her “favorite shirt”, which she hasn’t worn all summer, might I add. And then because she’s a royal fucking bitch she sets my mother off so she’s bitching at me because she needs someone to take her anger out on and god forbid if it’s her precious Delaney. I fucking can’t stand it here anymore. It’s a constant headache. All my sister does is bitch and cry and whine like a two year old and she’s going into fucking 7th grade. And my mother is just a cunt all the time and tells me it’s my fault for Delaney turning out this way since I’m such an annoying bitch. Yeah, okay. I like to keep everything to myself and not associate with these people and their fucking problems. I have my own thankyouverymuch. That’s what I like about my dad’s house, we all just mind our own business and leave each other alone unless we absolutely need each other.
Well I guess I know where I’m going to be spending a load of my time the next year once the summer ends and I can drive.

2 weeks ago (I don’t know what the fuck I was on when I wrote this): You - as a human being - tend to fall in and out of love throughout your lifetime, and it tends to consume you. You don’t know if it’s a lie or a scam, or something that won’t last forever. You just know it as that raw, ticklely, tingly sensation that sets your heart and stomach a flutter whenever you’re with them. You think it’s the best thing in the world - that magical feeling that humans created - and you think nothing of it. You’re in it and that’s all that matters. But no matter how many times you fall in love, you’re guaranteed to remember two of them; your first love and your current love. For me though, my first love is my current, and I guess it’s true that you never forget your first - hell, I wouldn’t either. That bitch put me through a whole lot of ache’s and pains; physically, mentally, and of course emotionally. I guess that’s life though. You’re always falling and getting back up - if you’re lucky. And maybe, just maybe, life will work out beautifully and present you with the one. The one that would do anything for you to keep you in their life, and wouldn’t do anything intentionally or by accident to upset you. But, unfortunately, life doesn’t work out that way. There will be bumps in the road and flats and slashes to the tires, but if that feeling - that crazy, stupid feeling of love - is genuine and that is person too, then the bumps will seem to fade and the tires would start to fix themselves as long as you both are in it then the trips going good.

2 weeks ago: Things I will most likely get tattooed on my body:
• untangle me
• come back down
• we only breathe for so long
• the everything’s fine face
• the “m” symbol
• a dream catcher
• an anchor
• extraordinary
• CSWS
• The “2 <3 & <-” like thing in Joel’s handwriting

2 weeks ago: College applications come out on monday.
I am scared shitless. I kind of don’t want to grow up and spend 4+ years on my own away from the little sheltered place I’ve known my entire life. And to think that basically my entire childhood is over and this is my last year in high school. And I still have no clue where I want to go or what I want to do. And I have all these summer assignments that I have to do and I haven’t even started anything yet. And I’m most likely going to fail all my IB exams and being a full diploma student was pretty much a waste of two years of my life. And, in reality, I’m just really scared for what’s to come.

3 weeks ago: My mother wants me to console my uncle and give him encouraging words. Does she not know me? I am terrible when it comes to feelings and emotions and am the worst possible person to console someone. I hate dealing with my own emotions, so what makes her think that I can deal with someone else’s? I just don’t know what to do. Hell, I’m sad that Joan’s gone too, but I’m obviously not going to cry about it because, for some odd reason, I’m like emotionally detached from my life.
/pointless rant thing

3 weeks ago: holy fucking shit!
I just realized that July is pretty much over and I haven’t even glanced at my 500 thousand summer assignments, four of which are due august first.
And on August first college applications come out for Fall 2012.
And I’ll have to start filling said applications out and finding scholarships and schools that have the 70 things that I possibly want to major in.
And then the school year comes around and I’m a senior and I have all these IB things that actually count this year and this time I actually have to study for the SAT and ACT and I have to take the SAT II’s because I was too lazy to do them this year.
And then it’s spring semester and I will possibly know where I’m going to go to school.
And then it’s graduation and I find out if I get the IB Diploma or not. And I just graduated and my childhood is pretty much over and I’m going to have to grow up and live on my own and make friends outside of the internet and actually study and do school assignments.
And then I’ll finish my four years and what comes after that I don’t even know.
/paranoia.

Final Thoughts of the Evening

I need to lose weight. 30 pounds maybe?

I need to get motivated.

I need to be myself.

And I might just have to move in with my father.

We have just officially named the project The Outsiders L.I.[.b]. I'm excited for this :)