The Edge

Brian:

For whatever reason, I didn't want to part with Zacky the next day. As soon as his mom got him, he started yelling at me to hide so I could stay.

“Relax, Zacky! I can always come visit! It's not like I'm moving across the country! My god.” I called to him, putting my things back into my backpack.

He suddenly tackled me out of nowhere, flipping me over and sitting on my chest, “But what if I want you to stay!?”

I laughed, scooting his small body off of mine and pulling myself to my feet, “I have school tomorrow! But I can play with you later in the week if I don't have too much homework, okay?”

“Okay,” he mumbled in defeat, “But you better come, or I'll tell your mom you were mean to me!”

Just then, Gale walked in, smiling at us, “Hello Brian! I hope Zachary behaved himself okay. How much do I owe you?”

“Oh no, that's okay. I enjoyed myself, he's an amazing kid and he was just fine. No need to pay me, ma'am.”

She led me to the door, insisting on pushing a ten into my hand even though I protested, before waving goodbye and telling me I was welcome over any time. Before she could close the door, though, Zacky walked up to me and pulled on my sleeve. I leaned down curiously, and Zacky shuffled closer to me, pressing his lips to my cheek.

My eyes widened, but I didn't pull away till he did. I blushed, glancing down at him to see him smiling like a kid on Christmas, “Bye Brian. Thanks for babysitting me...”

“B-Bye Zacky...” I hugged him briefly before turning down the same winding path, down their driveway and back to my own tiny tan one-story.

~

I downed my cup of coffee quickly, adjusting the straps of my backpack as I headed for the door, “Bye Mom!” I called.

I looked over the frosty lawn, walking through it was purpose. I love walking through frosty grass. The way it crunches under your feet, like you're some kind of giant smashing little trees and houses. It's awesome.

I turned left and headed down the street. I hated going to school, but It was close to my house, so I tolerated it. I glanced at the trees in each yard as I passed, beautiful golds and oranges slowly spreading through the tree's remaining leaves. I absolutely love the autumn time, cool breezes and rainy nights and the leaves changing, of course.

In seemingly no time, I was in front of the school, making my way through crowds of kids, earning yells of “Fag!” and “Emo!”

I didn't care, though, their opinions didn't matter to me. I just wound my way through them, ignoring the jeers of the stupid popular pricks and winding my way to two dudes leaning up against the wall. One was gangly and tall with crystal blue eyes dressed in gray and black, the other with short brown hair and a pair of sunglasses on.

“Hey guys,” I said, nodding to my best friends and then gesturing to the cigarettes in Matt's hand “Can I have one of those?”

He nodded, offering me one that I gladly accepted. Jimmy lit me up, and I nodded, puffing out breaths of smoke. The silence was broken by Matt.

“So, how was babysitting that mental kid who lives next door?” he asked in the least polite of ways.

I tapped ash off the end of my smoke, “Not as mental as you'd think. He isn't that bad, I mean, he wasn't your average kid, but he didn't try and eat me or anything. Actually, I think he has a thing for me.”

Jimmy laughed, “Wait, the twelve-year-old is perving in on the womanizer?”

“Whoa whoa whoa.” I said, holding up one hand for emphasis, “I only have five girlfriends as of now. I am no womanizer.”

Matt rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses, “Right, Haner, and you don't sleep with four women at a time. Sure.”

“That was once, Sanders, and you're only bitching at me because you never got to do it and you're jealous.”

“Okay, okay, I get it, you're both idiots,” Jimmy interrupted us, “Now, Bri, you said the twelve-year old had a thing for you. So, he's gay?”

I shrugged, “No idea. I mean, he told me I'm pretty and kissed my cheek before I left. Weird thing is, I didn't mind it so much...”

“Aw! Little Brian's turning gay! You can date the mentally retarded kid who lives next door!” Matt taunted.

“Mkay, first, I said I 'didn't mind it' as in, I see him like a brother. I didn't say 'Oh my god I just got so horny' or anything like that. Second, he isn't mentally retarded, and I won't stand for your jokes because you've never met him, nor do you understand his conditions.” I finished my rant, glaring at Matt.

He held up both hands in surrender, “Okay dude, sorry, I was joking... I won't do it again!”

“Good.” I said, nodding, “Wait till you meet him to judge, please, Matt. Sorry for getting snappy at you... He really is a good kid though. Like, he can't help it!”

Jimmy rolled his eyes, “Can we stop talking about your freaky little kid now? Please?”

“Sure, Jimmy. Anything important you'd rather talk about?” I asked scathingly.

The gangly teen mumbled something about 'you won't be able to talk with a mouthful of my fist' before lighting up another cigarette. Matt laughed, catching the comment and shaking his head at us.

“Guys, guys,” Matt said, “Calm down, please. Jimmy, you have anger issues. Brian, you're in love with a twelve-year-old kid. See, both of you have issues!”

Jimmy and I glared at Matt, I shouted, “I am not!” while Jimmy shouted, “I do not!”

Of course, I certainly was not in love with my twelve-year-old neighbor. Especially when the kid had...issues. I mean, he may have been funny, but that didn't change the fact that he dreamed about people being literally torn apart.

Jimmy did have anger issues, though. No argument there.

Just then, the bell rung, interrupting Jimmy's “I am about to punch you so hard” rant to Matt. Matt smiled like he'd won the lottery and ran off, leaving me and angry Jimmy. Not my cup of tea...

We walked to our respective first hours, parting where he went for the B hallway and I went for the D. I walked alone to my first period, down the dingy off white halls with scuffed-up tiled floors, seeing couples openly kissing each other goodbye and in welcome near the lockers. I don't know why it bothered me, but for whatever reason, I felt a pang of loneliness as I reached my first hour and took my usual seat.

It seemed I was the only one out of my friends who was still single. Jimmy was dating his two-year boyfriend, Johnny, and Matt was always with his Val. It seemed like, out of my close friends, anyway, I was the only one who was without a companion.

As Matt had said, I had a reputation around here for being a womanizer, and most of the smarter girls had learned I wasn't good news. It never felt real with any of them anyway, just a fuck so they could brag to all their friends about sleeping with Brian Haner. It was no longer even an accomplishment, every hot chick in the school has slept with me. That's how girls were divided into hot and ugly. If you slept with Brian Haner, you were hot. If not...

But I was getting tired of the same thing, the same routine, the same making out that led to touching which led to sex. There was no substance to any relationship I had ever had. That, it seemed, was what I craved. Someone I could hold, but who was with me for more than my reputation and my dick. Someone who'd love me, like for real. It was funny, because I'd never really loved anyone before.

Yet there were couples like Matt and Val who were so happy, who loved each other and cuddled and did little things like that, the things I missed. With me, the way I planned my life, it was hit and run, hit and run, never a time when I stayed after to hold the girl as she fell asleep. It never felt right. It never felt right to hold a girl like the sluts I slept with.

Hey, maybe I'd be doomed forever. Maybe I'd never find a girl I could love and touch and be with no matter what and call at two in the morning and have serious talks about “us” with. Well, I didn't know if I wanted that last part, but honestly, the whole package, fights included, seemed better to me than this... this emptiness.

“Daydreaming again, Mr. Haner?” Mr. Mayo said loudly, snapping me out of my deep thought. I'm sure he thought I was thinking about sex or something useless like that. Wow, I just called sex useless. I really am in a mood, aren't I?

I pinched the bridge of my nose irritably, “No, sir. I was thinking about something extremely serious, actually, and I'm sorry I cut into class doing it, but I couldn't get it off my mind. It won't happen again.”

“Oh...” Mr. Mayo said, obviously surprised by my answer, “Is everything alright, Brian? If you need a minute, take a step outside.”

There was one reason I could tolerate World History, and it was Mr. Mayo's personality. He just seemed to understand.

“Thanks so much, sir. I'll just be a sec...” I stood and walked out of the class, pressing my back to the white brick walls and sliding to the tiled floor, pulling my knees to my chest.

What was wrong with me? I'm never depressed! Then again, I try to avoid serious thinking for that exact reason. When I thought deeply for a long time, I often came to conclusions about my life I didn't like too much. The first epiphany I'd ever had was realizing I gave my virginity to a stupid whore who would never care two years ago. I also realized that half the girls I'd slept with had done the exact same thing.

Since then, I avoided deep thinking.

~

It had been the longest day of school I could ever remember experiencing. Every time I thought it was almost over, I was proved wrong at it just dragged on and on... but it didn't last forever, thank god. Before too long, I was making my way home, watching the autumn colored trees swaying in the wind. It was pure beauty, and it was one thing I wouldn't mind spending my whole day doing.

I was in front of my house when I cast a wondering glance towards little Zacky's. At first, the old Victorian house appeared just as menacing and empty as it had the very first day I ventured inside it, but then I glimpsed a small form huddled over the driveway, drawing with what looked to be chalk.

Hey, detours never hurt...

I headed next door, creeping right up behind the little boy and admiring his art. The picture proved to me not all of his talent was spent in the field of gruesome death depictions. In the picture, a boy was running with a dog, and over head a bird flew. I wondered what they were supposed to symbolize.

“You know, you have some real talent there.” I said from behind him.

Zacky whipped around, staring at me with the widest smile on his face, “Brian! You came to visit me!”

“I sure did, kiddo,” I was cut off by his short arms being thrown around me and his face pressed into my chest, “Er... Zacky, don't you go to school?”

He shook his head, looking up at me with gleaming jade eyes, “My stupid mom said I can't cause I'm retarded. How dare she say that! She isn't even my real mom! Oh... whoops... I wasn't supposed to tell you that...”

“If Gale isn't your mom, Zacky, who is?” I asked cautiously.

He opened his mouth to reply, but Gale poked her head out the door, glaring like she'd heard everything, “Playtime's over, Zachary. Time to come inside.”

Zacky, rather than letting go of me, clung tighter. I felt his heart rate increase until he was panting,
“N-No... Brian... she's going to hurt me for telling you... Don't make me go back...”