Glitter Babies

I spent the night in oblivion and I watched the black car pull up into the drive way next door. I saw three shadows enter the house. And I heard the shouts as the fight began. But I didn't do anything. I sat on my bed, looking out the window and trying to figure out how anyone could fix anything. I couldn't.

Willow's mother rang on my door bell the next morning. I moved slowly and realized that dawn had arrived and the pink and orange lights penetrating the window were real. I opened the door.

Her gray lines seemed etched into her face and she looked at me pitifully.

"She wants to talk with you," Lee said monotonously.

I said nothing, but Lee looked at me, "She loves you she says."

I nodded, "I don't know what to think of her," I said stealthily.

Lee eyed me suspiciously, "I know exactly how you feel, Finley. Trust me; I don't know who Willow is sometimes. But I know for sure, that she is sorry. And I'm going to forgive her soon. Maybe not today, but soon."

I nodded.

"She keeps crying your name, Fin. Please come," Lee said earnestly.

I nodded again, I was sure a dismal look had taken over my face.

Lee gave me a jerky nod before turning around and trudging back to her own home.

I was sure that if I went to their house, I'd see that jackass Teddy. And I didn't want to risk a fight. I didn't even want to talk to Willow. I really and honestly didn't at all. I wanted to forget I'd ever known her. I wanted to erase every trace of her existence and to disregard her scent of lilacs and her red hair and aquamarine eyes and her small body and her stupid questions and everything she had ruined for me. I hated her so much but it was awful, because even though I hated her, I couldn't stop caring. I just wanted to stop giving a shit about anything and go back. I just wanted to go back and live in that place where no one could touch me and I didn't feel.

But everything was a hurting now. My head, my thoughts, my memories, everything was so fucking there. And as much as I tried to drive everything out of my head, they were permanent. Nothing had ever hurt so much. Nothing ever.

The sun had set as I fought with my thoughts. My head ached but I willed myself to move. I was outside and I folded my arms against my chest as if this move would protect me and make it better. I knocked on the door and a stranger answered. I took it to be said jackass

"You must be Finley," his icy blue eyes hit me and I rolled mine.

"You must be the asshole who is making her life hell," I said in mock cheeriness.

He didn't let me pass and I sighed tiredly. We were about the same height but we looked nothing alike. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and he looked generic.

"I need to see my girlfriend," I said.

"Teddy, don't be a dick," Louis said huskily.

"Come on in, son. She's in her room."

I nodded in thanks to Louis who had never said more than a paragraph to me in the whole time I had met him. I bet he liked Teddy as much as I did.

I walked carefully into the hall on my right and ignored the daggers Teddy was glaring into my back. I had bigger problems to worry about. I heaved a breath before turning Willow's doorknob. Her bed was made. She was on the floor in her pajamas and her hair was a mess. She was still crying. I winced and tried to look somewhere else.

"Finley?" Willow croaked.

"Yeah. It's me," I said, my words were hard to get out.

Willow's eyes were red and swollen and she had patches of scarlet around her neck and face. I could hardly look at her.

"Listen, Fin, you need to listen," she whimpered.

"You heard my diary, but only the first part. I love you. You know I l-love you," she cried.

But I couldn't look at her and my ears didn't connect with my brain. I wanted to be mad for a little while longer. I wanted to make her feel bad. So I shouted the words that came to mind first. The words that had echoed over and over again, not letting me concentrate or focus or try to let go of any hate I felt.

"You were supposed to be the girl!"

Willow started to sob again, and I made myself watch.

"Why couldn't you just leave me alone, Willow?! Why couldn't you have just stopped playing a game?" I yelled.

"No, no, no," Willow cried, tears ran everywhere and her nose ran. She was crouched on the floor and spoke into it.

"You were supposed to fix me," I cried.

"I can't! I can't, I tried," she sobbed.

"It was all a joke, then? You just wanted to fuck me up? Teach me a lesson?"

"No! Fin, it's not like that. It wasn't like that!" She cried, finally looking up from the carpet and her eyes were earnest and gazed afar. "I thought that if I could do you good –if I could help you, I'd get right with God. I thought I could make my problems go away by helping you!" She cried and I sneered in disgust.

"You are such a bitch, Willow."

"I know. I was wrong."

I stared at her as she cried harder. It was hard to watch, her tears flowed endlessly and her whole body shook as her nose ran and she wiped at it with her flannel sleeve.

"But I'm no cliché, Fin. I can't fix you and I'm not the girl. You expected too much," She whispered.

"You fucking played that card, Willow, like you were some saint sent down to fucking help me. I hate you. You just wanted me to look like an idiot."

"I'm just a person, Finley! I am a person," she cried angrily and pounded her fists on the floor.

"I know!"

"Then what do you want? I can't even keep my shit together! My mom and dad hate me right now! I've ruined my life, and all you want is for me to help you?!" she screeched.

"Yes," I breathed and I felt my eyes prickle again and for once, I was glad Willow couldn't see me.

"Well, I can't," she said blankly.

"Please Willow," I finally stepped forward and crouched down to her. She immediately reached her arms out and grabbed me. She started to cry harder and harder into my chest. And I've seen this happen in movies and stuff, where the girl cries into the guy's chest and it's really sad but the guy comforts her. And this wasn't like that. I felt awful, knowing what this girl had done and knowing I couldn't shake her off or be mean to her for long. I hated that.

"I'm so sorry. I am so sorry," she hiccupped.

I held her tighter, even though I didn't want to.

"I... I'm... horrible. I h-hate... this..." she continued to cry.

"Me too," I sighed.

She pulled away and looked at me, her eyes were miserable, "I wish I could see for you."

"Don't say that, don't say that," I murmured, my vision was blurred.

"I wish you c-could understand. I just want to see your face. I just want to know. I'll never know. I'll just be w-waiting for you to tell me and for you to g-guide me. And I c-can't live like that. I just wish you could understand," she sobbed into her hands now and I couldn't touch her. I really couldn't.

"Please, Willow, stop talking," I begged.

"You could never understand, I can't give you what you want," she sobbed.

"I want you, Willow. And that’s it. I can't change what you are, neither can you," I murmured.

She shook her head and her shoulders trembled. She put her head on her knees and shook her head, "You don't g-get it. You just don't get it!"

"Willow, you can't expect me to understand when you won't explain yourself!" I cried exasperatedly.

She looked away and looked into my face.

"You need better than me. I am a mess. I'm a mess," she said desperately.

I looked at her and she wiped at her eyes.

"Well, maybe it's my turn to fix you," I murmured.