When You Look Me In The Eyes

“How do you feel?” He asked.
“Like crap.” I muttered.
“I’m sorry.” He said.
“It’s ok it’s not your fault. It’s mine.” I said and sat down on a big rock.
“What were you thinking?” He asked.
“I wasn’t I guess. I just got so pissed off one moment and then the next I was floating down the river. I don’t even remember deciding to go down or even getting in the raft.” I said confused.
“Why were you mad?” he asked. I knew this question would come up. I needed to answer him.
“Yesterday my baby niece would have been one month old. But my sister miscarried. At full term.” I said looking down at the ground. The words coming out of my mouth felt like stabs to my heart.
“I am so sorry.” He said catching his breath.
“Me too. I guess I haven’t really gotten over it.” I said and finished my cigarette. We got up and sat down on a small patch of grass.
“Her name was Lizzie Kaylene Crawford.” I said.
“I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. I was sitting on my bed reading Burned by Ellen Hopkins. Ricky came running through my bedroom door at Lilly’s and said ‘Sarah lost the baby.’ Those were his exact words. At first his words didn’t hit me. Before he left my room he said that we were going to wait for Alex, my sisters best friend, to come to my house and then we would all go up to my sisters. Ricky went back to his place and got some clothes and I stayed at Lilly’s till he came back. Since Lilly wasn’t home I decided to call her to tell her what was going on. As soon as I said that my sister lost the baby I just broke down and cried. It was like it just hit me like a brick wall.” I explained and now started to cry and then continued.
“After I hung up the phone I started shoving things into my backpack not even caring what it was. I was done in less then five minutes. Then I started getting really angry. Like I wanted to punch something. I was crying so hard. So I went outside to get some air and once I got out I just puked. Eventually Ricky and Alex came and picked me up but it felt like it took them forever. The entire two hour drive up there was excruciating. Ricky had gotten a call from Cameron saying that the doctor still wasn’t finding the baby’s heart beat. The entire drive I just kept hoping and praying that somehow it was just a mistake. Lousy equipment maybe.” I said wiping away tears.
“But when we got there she had just given birth to a still born. When I walked into the tiny waiting room I saw all of Cameron’s family there and I just broke down and cried when I saw Cameron. I sat in the waiting room for hours just waiting to see my sister so I could know that she was ok. I didn’t get to see her until two in the morning. When I first saw her I cried for her. I just wanted to make it better, but I couldn’t. After awhile they let us see the baby. I remember she had my sisters long skinny fingers and Cameron’s mouth. She was black and blue. As much as it hurt me to see her like that I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. My sister said I could hold her little hand but I didn’t.” I cried.
“I was too scared. I thought I might brake her or something. Now I regret not holding her hand. At about four in the morning Cameron drove me back to his place to get some sleep and he went back to my sister. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I finally gave up around six and just got up. I took a shower and did my hair and then I sat out on the couch in the living room. They didn’t have cable so I couldn’t really do anything. I remember just sitting there. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was going crazy. Eventually they came home and the rest of the day was just quiet. Later on that night Cameron saw the diaper bag that they had got for Lizzie and broke down. He went outside and started kicking and punching his car. It was heart breaking. I stayed up at my sisters for two weeks. The day I met you was my first day back. Ever since then I haven’t been the same person. I have nightmares every night about Lizzie. It’s like I’m reliving that night over and over again. I just can’t forget it. I hadn’t even thrown her a baby shower yet. I was just getting everything ready. I had only just made the invitations. I was planning on going and taking the samples up to her so she could see them a few days before Lizzie died but then the weather was too rough so Ricky didn’t want to drive up there. After that I through them all away. I never said another word about them until now.” I confessed. I liked how he just sat there and listened to me. I have never been able to talk to someone about this. I needed him.
“Everyday I wake up. And I remember that my little niece isn’t here. It’s the first thing that crosses my mind in the morning and the last thing before I go to sleep. And then I remember that I will never get to see her grow up. Or take her first steps. Or watch her go to prom. And I will never get to hold her. And that kills me inside. My heart, it just hurts so bad.” I cried into Nick’s shoulder.
“I just want it to stop. I just want to forget what happened. It just hurts so bad.” I cried. I cried harder then I have ever cried before. I let it all out. It felt good. But it tore me apart just a little bit more.