What You Mean to Me

Frank.

I leaned back in the chair, then leaned forward again, as I had been before, unable to put my mind to rest. My arms rested on my knees, and I had my face buried in my hands, trying to concentrate on my breathing.

Breathe in, breathe out…

Breathe in, breathe out…

I love Lena, so she's gonna be alright…

I let out a frustrated sight, reaching for Lena's hand, taking it in mine, and kissing the top of it. Why wasn't she awake? Why were her eyes still closed? She had to make it.

The doctors said the surgery was successful. They said that she has lost a lot of blood, that the bullet wound was close to being fatal, but she should survive.

Should.

There was not definite. They said she should survive. Not that she would survive, or will survive, that she should survive. I couldn't live with that. I needed to know Lena was going to be okay. I needed to know that my Lena would be alright.

She was going to live. She had to life. She needed to open her eyes. She was going to open her eyes. Why wasn't she opening her eyes?

I swallowed hard, allowing all these thoughts to run about my mind, my breathing becoming uneven again, I began to tremble, my brain feeling as if it were about to explode with a mixture of stress, anxiety, and grief-- to put it simply, I was turning into a basket case.

I felt tears starting to sting my eyes as the thought of Lena leaving me entered my mind.

No. No, she couldn't… she wouldn't… Lena would never leave me. She was my best friend… I love her. She can't leave me. She has to open here eyes. I need her hear her voice again.

I need her…

"Lena, wake up," I whispered. "Lena, wake up… please wake up…" I begged.

I rested my head against the edge of the bed, on her hand, which I was still holding, feeling the tears coming.

I love her…

"Frankie?"

I knew that high-pitched voice too well, and it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I lifted my head to see Nora in the doorway.

"Oh my god, Frankie!" I squealed, probably terrified at my blood shot eyes from no sleep. "Are you okay?"

"No," I answered honestly. "I'm not okay… Lena's not waking up…"

Nora just stared at me for a while. "Frankie, let's go get something to eat. Have you eaten anything?"

I shook my head. "No…"

"Come on," she held her hand out to me. "Let's go. I'm sure she'll be fine… if she wakes up, the nurses will attend to her, or whatever. Come on, let's go." She sounded a bit impatient.

I slowly turned my head to look at her. "No," I repeated. "I'm not going with you." I let go of Lena's hand to stand up and look at Nora in the eyes. "I can't leave her."

Nora sighed, flipping her hair. "Frank, she's in a hospital bed, and isn't even awake. It's not like her foot is broken and you need to carry her around."

That did it for me.

"Get out," I said.

She turned to look at me shocked. "What?"

"Get out," I repeated. "Get out, get out, just get the hell out!"

Nora jumped back a bit, startled. "But Frankie…"

"Don't call me Frankie," I told her. "Get out of this hospital room, and get out of my life."

"What?" She shrieked. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"Yes," I answered simply.

"No! Why?"

"I can't do this anymore," I told her. "I can't try to replace Lena with you-- no, not anymore. I'm done."

Nora looked like she had just been slapped. "Replace Lena with me?" she repeated. "Frank… what… I… oh my god… this can't be happening…" she finally turned her eyes back to me. "You're breaking up with me in a hospital?"

I nodded.

"I knew it… it's all because of Lena… I knew it…"

"Nora, just get out," I repeated. "You know nothing…you never have, you never will. Just leave… please."

"But Frank…" she began to cry. "I… I love you, Frank. I've loved you for so long now… we've been together for almost two years now… I love you."

I just looked away, not saying anything. "Don't love me."

"What? Why not?"

"Because I love Lena," I told her.

Nora began sobbing as she heard that. "Goodbye Frank," she said quietly before walking out the door, closing it behind her.

I returned my attention to Lena who was still lying unconscious there. I went to her side, lying beside her, holding her hand, and placing my arm around her, resting my head on her shoulder, beginning to talk to her.

"Hey Lena," I said. "You probably can't hear me, but sometimes… some people say that you can… The doctors said the surgery was successful, that you're gonna make it… Lena, you have to make it… I… I miss you. Lena, please open you eyes… I'm terrified right now… terrified that I might lose you… we've been side by side ever since we were three years old… how do you expect me to carry about my life while you're here?… you need to open your eyes, Lena… you've gotta come back… come back to me… I need you… and I haven't ever been able to say this before, but I'm gonna tell you now…" I sighed. "Lena, I love you."