What You Mean to Me

Frank.

It had been about three weeks since I had broken up with Nora, and I was a complete and total mess. I thought that by breaking up with Nora, I would be able to move on with my life, and not have this girl holding me back from these feelings I had for Lena.

But what was happening was the exact opposite, because Lena still has a boyfriend.

Lena is still very happily with Jordan, spending her nights with him, doing things to him that I could only dream of doing with her. And that was driving me to the point of insanity.

At least when I was with Nora I had a distraction of some sort.

Okay, yeah, I know this sounds really bad-- I'm making it sound like I was using Nora. But the truth is, now that I look back at out year and a half long relationship, I really was. I was using Nora to get my mind off of Lena. That was it. Nora was never anything to me.

It's sad, but true. Nora was never anything to me.

Lena is constantly with Jordan now. He got back from where ever the hell he was while she was in the hospital, and as soon as she got out, a few days later, they have been with each other nonstop.

It's sickening.

It's painful.

Just thinking of the two of them together, rolling around in bed; Jordan making her scream and moan his name-- it was driving me over the edge. And I know that very soon I'm gonna hit rock-bottom, and that won't be pretty.

No, it really won't be.

Lena won't be happy when she has to witness her best friend being taken off to a mental institution because he lost his mind.

She won't like that at all.

So I keep a happy face in front of her. I pull myself together when I'm around her, for her sake. Because I don't want to cause her any pain. I smile and laugh with her around everyone, and leave the rocking back and forth with silent stares at the wall for when I'm alone in my room.

Like right now.

My mom isn't home. Lena is with Jordan again. It's Saturday night, and I'm all alone, sitting on my bed, with my back against the wall, listening to a stupid love song about heartbreak on repeat, sinking lower in this quicksand called depression.

It's a never-ending, downward spiral it seems, and I really don't see myself ever getting out of it.

There was a tap on my window, and then it opened to reveal Lena sticking her head in.

"Hey Frank," she smiled.

I just stared at her as she climbed in my window, shutting it again as it began raining harder outside. She crawled over to my side, sitting next to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"What's wrong Frank?"She asked quietly. "Ever since I got out of the hospital, you've been so… distant. I'm sorry about Nora, really, and I don't wanna say to just get over it--"

"It's not Nora," I cut in. "I'm not all broken up over her like you think."

Lena lifted her head from my shoulder, looking at me. "Then what is it?"

I stole a quick sideways glance at her, my voice colder than I had intended. "It's you."

Then I saw a different look cross her face-- Lena's mouth opened slightly in shock, and her eyes flashed with pain and sadness.

"Me?" She whispered, her voice cracking, her eyes darting away to look at my black bedspread as they began to fill with water.

Oh no, I didn't mean to make her cry. I don't want her to be sad-- wait, was she about to cry? Why?

"Lena," I reached out holding both sides of her face, making her look at me.

And that's when I saw it-- a single crystallized tear rolling down the side of her face.

"Don't cry," I choked out. "Don't cry, I didn't mean that, Lena, I--"

"It's me?" She whispered. "I'm the reason you're so sad now? What did I do wrong? I hate seeing you like this Frank, I don't… I'm sorry to cause you whatever pain you're going through, I didn't meant it, just… tell me whatever it is that I did wrong, Frank, please…" Then she broke down crying.

I pulled to her me, feeling her tears against the skin of my neck where her face was hidden, as she clung to me. I felt her body tremble slightly as she sobbed on my shoulder, and I felt my heart explode in my chest.

"You didn't do anything," I whispered into her hair. "You didn't do anything, Lena…"

"Just just said it was because of me…"

"I didn't meant it," I told her as she rested her head against my shoulder, the majority of her tears stopping. "I didn't mean it, Lena, honestly… I just… I need you in my life, and…"

I let my voice trail off to nothingness, and Lena pulled away so she could look me in the eyes.

"Is that it?" she breathed. "Frank, you're afraid that I'm gonna leave you?"

I nodded.

"That's not gonna happen," She told me. "I'm not leaving you… Frank, that's why I came over here tonight. All I've been doing is spending time with Jordan, and I felt like I had brushed you aside after I got out of the hospital. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it… I never meant to do that."

I brushed away the last of her tears with my thumbs, feeling a deep pain within me for being the cause of her crying.

"I'm sorry too," I told her.

She shook he head, giving me a weak smile.

"You wanna watch Pirates of the Caribbean?" I asked.

"But you hate that movie," she stated.

"No, I'm just not a big Disney fan like you are," I reached over to grab her copy of the DVD that she had left the last time she was over. "But I know you love it… so let's watch it."

I got up to pop the DVD in, before joining her on my bed again to watch the movie.

About two hours later, I was struggling to stay awake, since it was after midnight and I had gotten up really early that day. Glancing over at Lena, I noticed that she was asleep, and realized she must have dozed off sometime during the movie. I attempted to get up to stop and take off the movie, but Lena reached over and held into me, pulling me back close to her.

"No," she moaned tiredly. "Don't go…"

"I'm just gonna go take the movie off," I told her, trying to remove her hands from my shirt, and sitting up.

"No," she repeated again, tightening her arms around me, and pulling me back down on the bed with her. "Just stay here with me… I want you here with me…"

I felt her nails sinking lightly into my skin, and I was honestly starting to get turned on. She was holding onto me so tightly, and was pulling me closer to her, and I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I had to hold myself back. This was my best friend, who had a boyfriend.

I nodded. "Okay. I'll stay right here with you."

She nodded, cuddling into me, hiding her face in my neck. "Stay with me until the end of the world, Frank."

"I will," I promised. "I'll stay with you until the world, Lena."