What You Mean to Me

Frank.

"I can't do this, I can't leave you," I whispered as I held Lena tightly against me, never wanting to let go.

I was in the middle of the airport with the rest of the guys, about to board my plane that was going to take us across to the other side of the country, to Los Angeles, for our recording session.

I should be totally psyched, right? I should be bouncing off the walls, ecstatic, joyous, happy… I wasn't feeling any of those things. Instead, I was feeling sad, terrified, miserable, and was feeling my heart breaking.

Why do you ask?

Because I was having to leave Lena behind in New Jersey. She had to stay in cold Jersey while I went to sunny Cali.

"Frank, baby, don't do this--not again," Lena pleaded, pulling away slightly so she could look at me. "Frank, this is your dream. You're going to California because you and the guys have scored a record deal…"

I shook my head. "I can't leave you," I repeated.

"Frank…" Her eyes looked pained, a tear rolling down her face. "You have to go."

I shook my head again, holding onto her jacket tightly, trying to keep her with me for as long as possible. "No… no, I… no, Lena… I can't."

"Frank, please don't do this. Don't do this to me, don't do this to yourself… You won't lose me, I promise. I'll be right here waiting for you. I'll wait for all eternity to be with you again. I'm not going anywhere. I promise I won't disappear. I promise I won't leave you… I will be right here. You'll see me again."

I held Lena tighter, starting to cry. I didn't care that I was a guy and that I was crying where others could see me. I was hurting. I was having to say goodbye to the girl I loved.

"Frank, you've changed my entire world around," Lena told me. "You've always been that guy that I've loved… even when you were just that three year old kid that befriended me when I was the new girl on the block… you've always been there for me, always encouraged me… I'm not gonna give that up. I only want you, and I will wait for you… until I can see you again."

She still saw the worry in my eyes.

Lena gave a small smile, hugging me close, before she began to sing softly, so only I could hear. "However far away, I will always love you… however long I stay, I will always love you… whatever words I say, I will always love you… I will always love you…"

I began to cry more, holding her hard enough to leave bruises. My heart was literally breaking. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think… everything was just hurting…

"Lena, I love you so much," I told her.

"I love you too Frank."

"I'm gonna see you again," I promised both her and myself. "I'm gonna see you again. As soon as this is all done, this recording session, I'll come back… I'll come back to you, baby…"

"I have no doubt about that," she smiled. "You're going to do great, Frank… you're an incredible musician, and I want you to give this everything you have… will you do that for me?"

I nodded. "Yeah… I will."

"Now boarding flight two eighty-three to Los Angeles."

Lena bit her lip. "You better go."

"I love you Frank," Lena whispered.

"I love you too, Lena. I'll come back to you." I promised before connecting our mouths.

But that was the last time I ever saw Lena.

I went to LA, and just like I had promised, I became an incredible musician. Me and the guys released our album, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, and it was a major success, launching us into the mainstream, and acquiring us thousands of screaming fans.

I talked to Lena, though, by phone all the time, and through email. She was doing well, had gotten a job dancing for a company in New York and as a choreographer there, too.

She was successful, I as successful, and I knew that it would only be a matter of time until we would be able to see each other again. Only a matter of time until I would be able to hold her in my arms again.

But then the voice messages I left stopped being returned; the emails I sent weren't responded to. I lost all forms of contact with my Lena.

And that is what caused me to feel alone, hopeless, and hollow as I now stand in front of a grave.

I was going to see Lena again. Me and the guys were having a concert back home in Jersey, that practically the entire state was coming to see. I wanted Lena to be there, to be able to see her again, to hold her and kiss her after so long.

While I was on the plane headed for Jersey to play the concert that night, I had been talking to Lena, all excited about getting to see her again. But Lena wasn't so thrilled, because apparently, she had to work late that night.

I got upset, wanting Lena to be there in the wings of the stage as I preformed, wanting to have here there with me. I remember that we ended up fighting and I hung up on her.
I was pissed off, angry at her, because she had to work that night. She couldn't make it to the performance, and I was being stubborn and selfish.

The concert started at eight, and she got off work that night at nine, so she wouldn't be able to make it, and I was pissed off at that. I was pissed off at her because of something beyond her control.

That night, a few hours before the concert, she called me back. I was tempted to hang up on her again, but she begged me not to. Then she told me that as soon as she got off work, she would get here as quickly as possible, and be here before the show ended, to make sure that she saw me play.

I was a bit happier, but even then, I still went of stage a bit pissed off. I wanted her to be here to see the entire show, but I had to live with the fact that she would get here as soon as she could, and be here for the end.

I could live with that. At least I would be able to see her again. I told her how much I loved her, and I couldn't wait to see her.
At the end of the show, I walked off stage with all the guys, happy that we had just played an amazing show, but my joy slowly drained away when I didn't see Lena anywhere.

She wasn't there.

She didn't come.

I suddenly felt anger, again, towards her.

I was angry that she wasn't there.

She told me she would be there, that she would come and see the show.

So where was she?

Mikey and the rest of the guys tried to assure me that there was a good reason to why she wasn't there, but I wouldn't listen. I got so angry at her, thinking that she didn't care, that she had lied to me. I was even crazy enough to think that she was with some other guy, betraying me.

Then her mother showed up. I was surprised to see her, but was even more surprise when I saw she was crying.

It was then that I learned that the reason Lena wasn't here was because she was at the hospital, fighting for her life.

Lena had gotten off work early, bending the rules of the company, getting off at eight thirty, so she could get here sooner. She was racing to get here, to get as fast as she could so she could see me, but she ended up getting into a car crash on the way.

She was speeding, and there as a drunk driver that collided with her. Lena's car flipped over it, and she went flying out the windshield.

While I was angry at her for not being here on time, Lena was dying.

Her mom finished telling me this, and I felt the entire world stop spinning for me. I couldn't believe it. All my hopes, dreams, wants, and needs were all just crushed in one single moment. Nothing mattered anymore.

Then her mother's cell rang, and she picked up anxiously, waiting to hear the progress of her daughter. Then she gasped, cried out no, and collapsed, Gerard having to catch her.
That was when I found out that Lena was no longer living.

So now I am alone, numb, hopeless, and hollow as I now stand in front of a grave; the grave of my Lena Haas. I was holding a rose so tightly that the thorns had cut into me long before, and was now dripping my red blood onto her gravestone.

I couldn't believe this was what was going to happen in my life. That would spend my entire childhood wanting to be with the girl I love, then I finally get to be with her for no more than a year, before I never get to see her again.

It was my fault.

Lena's death was entirely my fault, her blood was on my hands.

Everyone, Lena's mom included, kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, hating to see me so miserable and beating myself up, besides the agonizing grieving. But I didn't listen to them.

It was my fault.

I made her feel bad for not being able to get to the concert quick enough.

I made her feel guilty, thinking she was letting me down, leading her to speed instead of driving carefully.

I was the reason Lena was dead.

I dropped to my knees, placing the rose down, touching her engraved name, letting my fingers memorize the feeling of the rough stone underneath my skin.

"Lena, I miss you so much," I whispered. "But I promise you, I will see you again. I'll wait for eternity to be with you again… and we'll love again, we'll laugh again, we'll cry again, and we'll dance again… Lena, I promise you this… I love you."

Like so many times I had gone to this grave, I slowly walked away, disappearing into the world, becoming just another wandering soul awaiting the sweet day to be reunited with their true loves; where they will once again feel the sunlight on their face, the rain on their skin, and their inner fire will re-ignite, one which they believed was once extinguished forever.

The End.