Sinful

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

I tried, Father, I tried so very, very hard. I swear to you, my Father, I did.

The attraction I feel cannot be willed away though, it’s always there, always lurking. It can be from something as sinful as having my way, taking these women, marking them as mine, using them, all the way to something as needlessly harmless as my eyes drifting ever so slightly, eyeing off the contours of her body, watching the way her clothing fits, clinging in some places, flowing in others.

But it happens, Father, I cannot help myself.

I always watch them as they go about their daily business, I stare, sometimes. I can see them when they bend down to get something, I watch the way they sit. The girls in my classes at school, I see them every week, I watch their bodies flex and contort as they partake in physical education.

I know that one girl, bites her lip every time she serves in badminton. I know that another has a naval piercing, because I’ve seen it as her shirt rides up when she goes for a spike in volleyball.

I know that the girl I sit next to in social studies will play with her fingers when she’s nervous, I know that the girl I’m with in English will run her hands through her hair in frustration when her work doesn’t go right.

I know their quirks and I can’t help but love them, Father.

I can’t help it, but I feel so dirty. I do not like to defy His law, Father, but it’s so hard, the temptation is always there.

I had sex with a woman not two nights ago, Father. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was disgusting, I knew I was breaking His law and committing the ultimate sin, but I could not stop, Father. For no matter how many times I told myself it was wrong, I found another part of her body that I loved, that I could worship.

I despise myself, Father. I must repent for my sins but I’m afraid that I will just go out and commit them again. I want to be better, Father.

I want this demon to leave my body.

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

Amen.